


Shifting

by AmaranthPrincess21



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/M, TitanShifter!Reader
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-28
Updated: 2015-08-23
Packaged: 2018-02-07 13:11:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 24
Words: 87,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1900191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmaranthPrincess21/pseuds/AmaranthPrincess21
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sent on a mission from a far away land, your three companions and you make your way to the Walled Cities with the intent of wiping out the population. When other titan shifters beat you to it, a rivalry pops up and during the chaos of Shiganshina, you find yourself alone. A boy named Bertolt teams up with you and the two of you make it out alive. But all bets are off when you enroll in the military and reunite with him.<br/>Completely cut off from your homeland, alone, and with nothing going right in your mission, you need to stay on your toes if you want to make it out alive.<br/>You can't afford to stay in one position for too long.<br/>Nothing is stable.<br/>Everything is shifting.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and your comrades arrive at Wall Maria, and all hell breaks loose.  
> Trigger warning for suicidal thoughts and death.

An azure sky stretched above you, smooth as silk. White clouds dotted the sky, fluffy and tinged with the warm and pure golden light from the sun. The emerald grass beneath your horse looked soft and lush. Clusters of wildflowers were splashes of color on the grassy fields. Trees soared to the sky; it almost looked as if they were supporting the silky sky above you. Mountains rose above the flat ground, giving voluptuous curves to the earth. It was warm today, but a cool breeze kept the heat at bay, defeating it every so often.

You and your comrades rode on horseback, determination and focus gracing your young faces. You were in the lead, clad in a muted green tunic and black leggings. You were barefoot; you had never been one for shoes. All they did was hinder you. You bit your rosy bottom lip, utterly focused on the field ahead of you. You let your shiny [h/c] hair flow in the wind as you scanned the plains, looking for titans. You had been told there shouldn’t be too many until you reach your destination. But as the leader of your group, you couldn’t afford to let your guard down for even one second. Your [e/c] eyes, bright like jewels, had a certain coldness, a certain focus to them. Everything about you was graceful and powerful. You were the cream of the crop, the best of the best. You constantly told yourself this. Nothing was going to stop you from your mission. 

The creamy beige stones of Wall Maria came into view, and you felt your heart swell with purpose. Grinning like a cat after her prey, you urged your mahogany horse forward. You were so tantalizingly close, and you were eager to prove yourself to your comrades and your people. Titans were crowded around the wall, but you weren’t worried; they wouldn’t bother you. But as you approached Wall Maria, you noticed a titan taller than any other you had seen before. Crimson muscle, no skin. Thick, trunk-like legs and a small head compared the rest of its body. Well over sixty meters tall, a whole ten meters taller than your titan form. You noticed it had kicked a hole into Wall Maria.

“FUCKIN’ _BALLS,_ WHAT THE SHIT IS _THAT?!”_ you shrieked hysterically as you and your comrades rode closer to the wall. 

“It . . . it knocked down the gate!” the blond boy said. 

“Oh, FUCK NO!” you screamed, your voice an octave higher than usual. _“I_ was supposed to be the one to knock down Wall Maria!” 

“Well, at least your job got done for you,” the red-haired girl shrugged cheerfully. You glared at her.

“HELL NO, ‘AT LEAST MY JOB GOT DONE FOR ME!’ I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE ONE TO TAKE DOWN WALL MARIA! ME! AND NOW THAT PIECE OF SHIT’S TAKEN AWAY MY JOB!”

“I don’t see how that is -”

“FUCK YOU I WAS SUPPOSED TO TAKE DOWN THAT HUGE ASS WALL!” you screeched hysterically at your comrade. Gritting your teeth, you saw a flash of lightning and a falling body. You were too far away so you couldn’t tell, but you could see that somehow the falling figure had slowed itself and landed to the ground safely and gracefully. “Another titan shifter? Oh, that bitch is going DOWN!” Not even thinking, you made your horse speed towards the figure, now joined by two others and making their way to the gate. 

“[First]!” you heard your comrades call after you, but you didn’t turn back. All your small, childish, and pissed-off self could think of was punching that son of a bitch that broke the wall before you could. Your comrades loudly sighed and changed course to follow you. They were used to this. You made a bee line for the three figures, but they had slipped through the gate undetected by both humans and titans before your could reach them. You let out a screech of anger: revenge would have to wait. 

“All right, we’re going to ditch our horses and make a break for Shiganshina!” you commanded, grabbing your pack and throwing it on your back. Your comrades followed your lead. You jumped off your horse once you got to the wall, dodging the titans that tried to grab you. You had wished you had been given swords to kill titans, but your superiors had told you you wouldn’t need them. _That was bullshit,_ you cynically thought as you nearly got scooped up by a particularly creepy titan with a slasher smile on its distorted face. You heard screaming from behind you. Quickly whipping your head back, you saw the red-haired girl had been grabbed by a titan and was about to get eaten. Your eyes as wide as saucers, you looked away and focused on the road in front of you. You tried to block out her screams as you entered Shiganshina, your remaining two comrades on your heels. 

You weaved expertly through the dirty streets enclosed by dingy buildings; you had memorized the map of Shiganshina so well it was as if you had lived there all your life. Racing past the devastation and titans, all you could think about was getting to the second pair of gates. 

“[First]! Where are we going?” the raven-haired girl asked you. You had kept them in the dark about the plan for most of the trip. You were going to tell them right before you entered Shiganshina, but you had forgotten in your rage against the other titan shifter.

“We’re going to the gate, and from there we’re getting to the evacuation boats!” you answered, making a sharp turn to head to the gate. The sight of a cluster of titans halted you suddenly in your tracks, making your two comrades slam into your shoulders. You fell face first into a puddle of mud. “You idiots!” you yelled at them, getting up and looking down at your ruined clothes. The blond boy grabbed the back of your shirt, frightened as the titans noticed your presence. The raven-haired girl screamed and took off without you two.

“Wait! Wait for us!” the blond boy yelled, and you two ran after her. She turned the corner and disappeared from sight, leaving you and the blond boy in the dust. You hurried, and when her screams reached your ears, you sprinted to catch up with her. Making another turn, you saw a titan had her in its mouth. The blond boy and you looked in horror as the titan ate her in half, her blood raining down on you two. The boy grabbed your hand, leading you out of there before the titan could get to you and him. 

“We have to get to the gate, [First]!” he screeched, his face coated in sweat and silent tears running down his face. 

“Really? I didn’t know that already!” you told him sarcastically. “Come on! It’s this way!” 

The two of you weaved through the city streets, desperately trying to reach the gate. You were trying hard not to panic, but you started to unravel. First you had lost the red-haired girl, and then the raven-haired one. _I will not die today. I am making it inside Wall Maria no matter what!_ you told yourself, gritting your teeth and taking off for the gate. The blond boy was starting to slow down, running out of energy.

“Come on! We have to keep moving or the titans will get us!” you yelled at him when he stopped.

“Can’t we rest for just one second?” he asked, and before you could answer, a large hand grabbed him. You screamed, falling over backwards. _Where did that come from?!_ you wondered, watching in paralyzing horror as your friend was swallowed whole by the titan. It had somehow gotten on top of a building and was watching for humans. _An Aberrant,_ you thought with horror. Scrambling to your tiny feet, you started running, but the titan had noticed you and decided to pursue. You knew it was going to be futile to try and outrun it, but by God you weren’t just going to give up. You were a fighter through and through. 

Your hands grabbed random pieces of debris, throwing them at the titan to try and distract it. It wasn’t working, but you kept it up, childishly believing it would work at some point. 

But then again, you were only eleven years old. You were still a child. Childish thoughts were expected. 

The Aberrant picked up speed, and you couldn’t help but scream in terror. Its large, fleshy hand reached out for you, its disturbingly long fingers nearly grazing your back. Tears were streaming down your face. _I don’t want to die!_ you internally sobbed. _I don’t want to die!_ The Aberrant’s fingers poked your back, and you let out an ear-piercing, throat-splitting scream. Your tears increased as fear started mingling with the adrenaline you were running on. _This is it, this is where I die,_ you thought, wiping away the salty tears from your eyes. You chanced another look behind you, and saw the Aberrant had gotten even closer, its fingers once again reaching for you, and you knew this time it would capture you. 

But you felt something slam into your side, knocking you down and to the side. Before you could even register what was going on, you felt a hand grasp yours and pull you up, making you run with the hand’s owner. It was a boy, and although he looked your age, he was already quite a bit taller than you. You were running slightly behind him, so you couldn’t make out his facial features, but you could see his chocolate brown hair and his tanned skin. He wasn’t alone. He ran with two other kids that looked your age, a blond boy and girl. The boy noticed you looking at him and gave you a concerned look.

“Are you okay?” he asked, joining your side.

“Yeah, I’m fine, but I need to get to the gate,” you told him. 

“Shouldn’t you join your family?” the brunet boy asked. His voice was cold.

“I just need to get to the gate,” you avoided his question. You four ran into a cluster of titans. Before you could protest, the brunet boy pulled you to the road on the right while the two blonde took a road to the left. The raven-haired girl’s death flashed in your head. “Wait! We’re going to get separated!” 

“That doesn’t matter,” he said sharply, tugging at your hand. You hadn’t realized you were slowing down. “Let’s just get through the gate and to the boats.”

“Yes, it does matter! What if they die?!” you yelled at him, speeding up so you were in line with him and could give him a proper death glare. He just looked at you coldly, his face drained of color and sweat shining on his face.

“Why should it matter to you? You don’t know them,” he asked you.

“If lives of strangers don’t matter to you, then why did you save me back there?” you retorted. He looked away, looking forward.

“Let’s just get to the gate,” he mumbled, emerald eyes fixed dead ahead. You and he ran to the river, avoiding titans and desperate humans, holding hands all the while. You had never held hands with a boy before, and you found the feeling comforting, even if his hand was slick with sweat. But you figured that was just because he had been running. His face was getting paler and paler by minute, his eyelids starting to droop. You were halfway to the gate when he lost his footing, falling to the ground. 

“Come on! Get up!” you told him, looking around. You didn’t see any titans in the area. _Good._

“I-I-I’m trying,” his voice contained a note of fear as he tried to push himself up. His arms gave out and he fell back to the ground. You knelt beside him, putting his arm around your shoulder and your arm around his waist. “What’re you doing?”

“Returning the favor,” you gritted your teeth. He was heavy and wet with sweat. He looked deathly sick. He must’ve had a really bad cold. You surveyed the area. You knew with him hanging off your frame, you both wouldn’t make it to the interior of Wall Maria. But he had saved your life, and you were going to save his or die trying. The two of you slowly made your way to the gate. 

“We’re going to die,” he said casually, as if commenting on the weather. “Let me go. I don’t want to be a burden.”

“Shut your mouth. I’m going to save us both.”

“You know that’s not possible.”

“I don’t tell you how to live you life. Don’t tell me what I can or can’t do,” you growled at him, thoroughly regretting leaving your horse behind. You wondered for a moment if you could call her, but she was probably kilometers away from you. 

“I don’t want more people to die. Please. Just leave me here,” he begged you.

“Ask me to leave you here one more time and I will fucking punch you in your mouth and knock out all your teeth,” you threatened him, skirting a dead soldier. _Dead soldier?_ Your head whipped back to the corpse. A part of the Garrison, you could tell. You weren’t sure if it was a boy or a girl, but that’s not what you were concerned with. The body’s gear looked beat up, but in tact. You glanced at the boy. He would ask questions if you used the gear to save you both. But then again, your superiors had told you to stay alive at all costs. You bit your lip. _If he asks too many questions, I can silence him. Cutting out his tongue would be good enough to keep a secret._ You let him down gently and hurriedly went to the soldier, starting to undo the harness. 

“What are you doing?!” he yelled at you, voice hitching. “We need to keep moving!”

“Hold your horses, I’m getting this gear free!” you told him. “Watch out for titans, would you?” You removed the gear and harness. It was going to be big on you, but you had no choice. _Beggars can’t be choosers,_ you thought as you hurried put the harness on. It was very big on you. You took out your knife and poked crude holes in the leather so you could make it a little more form fitting. You had never been that great at maneuver gear, so you needed all the fit you could get. You ignored his dumbfounded stare as you buckled the harness straps tightly before attaching the gear, the familiar heaviness almost comforting to you. It reminded you of home and training. “All right, can you hang on to me?” you asked him. 

“You’re not seriously going to try . . . ?” he asked, eyes the size of the moon. You rolled your own [e/c] eyes at him.

“What does it look like I’m doing? Now come on, titans could show at any moment,” you told him. He looked scared, but obliged, hugging you, his legs awkwardly wrapped around your waist and his arms around your neck. His wet face was nuzzled against your neck. You took a deep breath, and took off into a run like you had been trained to do. Pressing the triggers ( _Too touchy, not a good setting,_ you lamented), you two launched into the air. Your balance was off, due to the boy’s extra weight. You had briefly been trained in carrying people, but it had been a session you hadn’t excelled at. 

The wind whipped through your hair as you struggled to keep your balance. You had never felt so reckless or endangered before in your life. But you and the boy were moving faster than you could on the ground, and that was all that mattered to you. You could see the gate, and titans didn’t seem to be in sight yet. But you still flew as fast as you could. There was no way you were going to back down now that you were so close to your goal. The front of your shirt felt warm and damp from the boy’s body pressed tightly against yours. You could feel your shirt staining with his and your own sweat. His hot and slick face against your bare skin felt warm and almost comforting in a sense. His lips were moving against your skin, as if saying something.

“Are you trying to tell me something?” you shouted at him, wobbling and pushing your hips up and forward in order to prevent to two of your flipping over. The boy’s face removed itself from the crook of your neck, but he still hovered a few centimeters away from your skin.

“Bertolt. My name is Bertolt,” he told you.

“I’m [First],” you replied.

“I-it’s nice to meet you,” he said, his voice wavering. He seemed to realize how awkward the introduction was, and quickly continued nuzzling your neck. 

You reached the wall in no time, and clumsily you touched down, almost falling forward from Bertolt’s added weight. He seemed thankful to put his feet on solid ground and you quickly took the gear off. Despite the fact Shiganshina was getting evacuated, it seemed like no many people were going through the gate. _Maybe they didn’t make it,_ you thought as the soldiers let you and Bertolt through. You wondered how you were going to knock down this portion of the wall. There was nowhere to hide to transform now. _I’ll just have to come back in the dead of night in a few days and knock it down,_ you improvised a plan in your head. Now that you were inside Wall Maria, all you could think of was getting to a safe place. You were done with titans for today.

“Are we going to wait here for your friends?” you asked him, bracing yourself for his response. You figured he was probably going to tell you to leave him, now that he was safely inside Wall Maria.

“No. Let’s get on the boat. I’ll meet up with them inside Wall Rose,” he surprised you. You simply nodded, and the two of you hurried to the dock. Bertolt seemed to feel a little better, as he was able to walk most of the way there without your help, but in the last half kilometer you had to help support him. You had to fight to get onto the boat, but due to your young ages, the soldiers let you on the boat. The two of you found a small nook to sit in, your arms pressed together so hard it felt like they would mesh together at any moment.

You don’t know what brought it on. Maybe it was just the feeling of someone so close to you. Maybe it was hearing the gut-wrenching sobs of the people around you. Maybe it was watching as a titan broke through Wall Maria, letting a new barrage of titans in. But the horror of the past hour slammed into you. The image of mutilated corpses flashed in your head. You heard the ginger girl’s screaming. You saw the black-haired girl get chomped in half. You relived the blond boy dying. You saw your comrades die in front of you. And you had just worried about your own skin and left them to their own devices.

You let out a blood-curdling scream into your hand, tears falling from your eyes as a wave of sorrow and self-disgust slapped you in the face. You were their leader; you were in charge of them. You had only cared about yourself, and the result was their gruesome deaths. For the first time ever, you felt so hateful about yourself you seriously considered throwing yourself into the river. It was all your fault they were dead. _If I hadn’t been so terrible, I could have saved them,_ you thought as you sobbed, your tiny chest heaving violently. 

“H-hey, don’t cry. I-it’s going to be okay. Just take a deep breath,” you heard, Bertolt’s hand on your hunched over back, timidly rubbing you in a vain attempt to comfort you. You were crying too hard to talk to him, instead howling in sorrow into your hands to muffle the heart-shredding noise. Despite the fact that he sat so close to you, you had never felt so alone before. Your self-preservation cost you your teammates. You were going to be alone for the remainder of the mission. 

_Alone like all these people,_ a small voice in your head popped up. Trembling, you looked around. Your mission was to kill all these people. Sure, it was for the greater good. You were saving them from a worse fate. But they were people, it hit you. They looked like you; they had the same emotions as you. Biting your lip, you snuggled into the side of Bertolt’s body, allowing his shaking arm to slide around your shoulders. He was trembling as much as you were. He must have been feeling sick again. _How will I do this?_ you thought, removing your hands from your mouth and letting yourself cry without restraint. 

_Just remember, if you don’t do this they’ll have a fate worse than death. They’re better off dead,_ the small voice in your head reminded you. _Stay strong. You can do this. You may be alone, but you can do this. You are the hero. You are saving them._

Except for your slowly dying sobs, the rest of the boat trip was silent for you and Bertolt. You anchored his arm around you, refusing to let him go or remove yourself from his side. You never once looked up at him. You missed the occasional looks he gave you. Exhausted by riding, running, and sobbing, you eventually dozed off, still curled up beside him. You slept soundly, unaware you had just befriended the titan shifter that brought down Wall Maria.


	2. Chapter 2

Taking a deep breath, you looked dead ahead at the grounds of humanity’s military training academy. You looked like the rest of the cadets. You wore the same basic white ensemble with the tan jacket and black boots. Underneath your right boot, you had your ankle wrapped. You had sprained it badly the previous year when you had borrowed a few loaves of bread from a bakery. The injury had been serious enough to keep you from enrolling in the military that year, and it still occasionally hurt if you moved the wrong way. But it was healed for the most part, and although you knew your superiors were going to be mad when they found out you had such a serious setback, you didn’t concern yourself that much with the injury. Wrap it and forget about it was your philosophy.

Most of the cadets were waiting on the grounds, waiting for Instructor Shadis to show up. You strided towards them, your hips swaying with every step you took. It was a habit you had picked up while living on the streets. You didn’t like using the term “manipulating boys by being coy” when talking about how you made boys do things for you, you preferred to call it “flirted with them and then politely asked them to borrow food for you.” _Maybe that’ll help me here with getting extra rations,_ you mused as you approached your fellow cadets. Your [e/c] eyes scanned the crowd, seeing what kind of kids you would be serving with. 

_And then betraying,_ a voice in your head reminded you. 

You snuffed out the voice, looking at everyone. _He’s cute. I do like freckles,_ you thought as you caught wind of a dark-haired boy. _The boy next to him’s okay looking. Not my type. He’s got nice eyes though, I guess,_ you observed, looking at the ash-blond boy standing next to him. _Well, at least there’s not a shortage of cute guys,_ you mused as you wove your way through the recruits. You also noticed a black-haired girl and a blond boy that reminded you of your own raven-haired and blond comrades. 

_Mm, now that’s what I call a man,_ you thought as you laid eyes on a very tall cadet with brown hair. _God, I’m not an ass kind of girl, but I think he just made me into one._ A faint grin found its way onto your face as you looked the boy over. His friend ( _God, he looks familiar,_ you thought. _Maybe I flirted with him once_ ) must have noticed you checking out the tall boy and said something to him. The tall boy looked back at you, his cheeks painted with sweat and a light blush. Your face flared once you realized who it was. 

_“Bertolt?!”_ you squeaked incredulously, thoroughly embarrassed and surprised. 

_“[First]?!”_ his voice, deeper than it was when you had first met him, matched your tone. A choke-like laugh made it out of your throat, and you hurried over to him. You would have liked to engulf him in a hug, but given you had just been caught staring at his ass, you imagined it would make things more awkward. Instead, you gave him a brief side hug. 

“You never told me she was your girlfriend, Bertolt,” the blond boy teased him. 

“She’s not my girlfriend,” Bertolt denied as you laughed. The blond boy gave you a cat-like grin. 

“We never had the chance to properly meet. My name’s Reiner,” he introduced himself, offering you his hand. You shook it hard. 

“Nice to meet you. I’m [First],” you informed him, before turning back to Bertolt. “What’re you doing here? I had no idea you were going to join the military too.” 

“I want to join the Military Police. I want a safe life inside the interior,” he shrugged. “What’s your reason for joining the military?” his voice had an edge to it, sharp as steel. You remembered him screaming at you in Shiganshina when you had put on the dead soldier’s gear and used it to save your lives. _Is he suspicious? Ugh, I_ knew _I should’ve cut his tongue out,_ you kicked yourself, notes of panic rising in your body.

“I felt like it,” you blurted out before thinking about it. Reiner gave you a funny look while Bertolt raised an eyebrow. 

“You joined the military because you felt like it?” Reiner asked you, folding his arms across his chest.

“Y-yeah, of course,” you had to go with it, there was no other option. “I mean, the military sounds cool and all, right? Getting to fight titans and, and stand on the wall, and that sort of thing.”

“You joined the military so you could potentially stand on the wall?” he questioned you.

“Yeah,” you mumbled, rubbing the back of your neck. “I like heights.” The two boys stared at you in dumbfounded shock for a moment. And then Reiner lost it, doubling over in laughter.

“Bertolt, your girl is a riot," he said, slapping your friend hard on the back. "[First], I thought you were serious for a moment." Your laughter was nervousness mixed with relief.

"Well, I'm glad someone besides my mom finds me funny," you joked, sending Reiner into another fit of laughter. Bertolt refused to even crack a smile. _What's got his panties in a knot?_ you wondered. A loud yell for the cadets into ranks stopped you from asking. You took a place next to Bertolt, standing at attention along with your fellow cadets.

"One hundred and fourth trainee corps, I don't welcome you here warmly," Instructor Shadis boomed from his spot in front of a building. _Probably offices,_ you guessed. "Right now, you're nothing but titan food. In the next three grueling years, will you still be?" he strode down the stairs, back straight as an arrow and hands behind him. He entered the formation, going down the line, insulting and yelling at each cadet. _Ah, initiation._ I remember my own, you reminisced. 

_"You! In the pigtails, who are you?!" your instructor had yelled._

_"Cadet [First] [Last], sir!" your eight-year-old self had replied._

_"And why are you here wasting space, [Last]?!" he had yelled. "What makes you think a weakling like you will make a great soldier?!"_

_"I don't know, sir! I was chosen to become a shifter soldier! You should ask the Committee why they chose me."_

You had stayed passed out for a day from the blow to the head he gave you. _Note to self, don't do that again._ you grimaced. 

"You! Who the hell are you?!" Shadis screamed at the boy who reminded you of your blond comrade.

"Armin Arlert, sir!" the boy said.

"That's a fucking ridiculous name!" Shadis spat. "Who gave you that stupid name?"

"My grandfather, sir!" _Armin looks rather well-composed,_ you noted. _Guess he's stronger than he looks. Well, at least mentally. He doesn’t look like he can carry his own weight._

"Why are you here, Cadet Arlert?!"

"To help humanity achieve victory!"

"Great! That's what I love to hear! We can throw you to the titans as a snack!" Shadis went to stalk the rest of the line. _Wait, he missed that one girl,_ you thought as you looked to the tall girl next to Armin. You couldn't her facial features, but you felt like you knew her somehow. As the ceremony went on, you noticed that Shadis was skipping over certain people besides the tall brunette girl. He didn't pick on you, Bertolt, or Reiner (you were disappointed; you wanted to know more about them), and he didn't verbally attack a blonde girl with a permanent bitchface ( _Annie, friend of Reiner and Bertolt's,_ you vaguely remembered her), a glaring boy with messy brown hair, and the stoic black-haired girl that stood next to him. 

You made mental notes about your comrades. _Thomas Wagner. He looks like fun. Mina Carolina. She looks too much like my friend._ A pang of guilt slapped you when you realized you couldn't remember your raven-haired friend's name. _Marco Bott. He seems nice. Super cute. Jean Kirstein. Not as cute, but I like his honesty. Connie Springer. Meh. Sasha Braus. I like her sass, but I should keep her away from my food. Krista Lenz. She's not going to last long. Shame, she seems like a sweetheart._ There were a lot of cadets, more than there had been at your training academy. But then again, it was only for titan shifters, and there had only been twenty chosen for the program. Only you and your comrades had been able to graduate and participate in the mission.

_The mission._

You bit your lip as you looked at the sea of faces. These people would be dead in the next three years, if the mission was a success. The thought made you unsettled. _Maybe I can convince some to go back with me. We always need more people in the village._ you mused, but you imagined only the desperate weak would agree to go with you. _I could always take them as prisoners._ You chanced a quick glance at Bertolt. He already looked like a great soldier, and training hadn't even started. _I wonder if I asked him, if he would come with me?_

*Four Hours Later*

"That was the worst running I have ever seen in my life!" Shadis screamed at all of you after completing laps. "Double laps tomorrow!" You fought back a groan. You _hated_ running. You had gotten out of shape during your stay in Wall Rose, and now you were paying the price. "Hit the showers, you pathetic excuses for trainees! Except Cadet Braus! Keep running, Potato Girl, and no dinner for a month." Sasha looked neutral at being told to keep running, but her face fell in devastation as Shadis told her to miss dinner. She didn't complain though, and went back to running. The cadets disbanded, making their way back to their sleeping quarters to grab fresh clothes and towels. The majority looked exhausted.

"Some conditioning regiment, huh?" Reiner asked you, thumping you hard on the back. 

"Yeah, I thought I was going to die in those last few minutes," you laughed. "You seemed to excel at the whole thing, though."

"I have to, if I'm going to get into the top ten," he grinned at you.

"I'm sure you'll be in it," you encouraged him. You turned to Bertolt. "What about you, hot shot?" You lightly punched his arm. "You acted like that was nothing!"

"It's just conditioning. It's not a big deal," he shrugged.

"I guess. But God, I haven't ran like that since Shiganshina!" you commented. You raised an eyebrow at the boys' paling faces. _They're probably still traumatized,_ you rationalized. _Hell, I still have nightmares about it._

"[F-First], I-I-I'd really appreciate it if you never talked about that again," Bertolt asked you. "To anyone."

"Why? It's . . . Oh! Bert, you don't have to be embarrassed by it!" you told him, waving away what you thought were his fears. "I completely understand, but come on. Having to get help to the Wall shouldn't isn't a bad thing! You were sick, after all! But I'll keep my lips sealed about it for you."

"You were sick?" Reiner turned to his friend, who seemed to be sweating more than he had been while conditioning.

"Yeah, he almost passed out after we got separated from you and what's her face, Annie," you frowned, casting Bertolt an inquiring look. He looked extremely uncomfortable.

"Please stop talking about it, [First]m" he pleaded.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to bring up bad memories," you apologized.

"I know," he replied shortly, avoiding questioning looks from Reiner. You felt guilty at bringing it up, and vowed to make it up to him.

"I'll see you guys at dinner," you said as you reached your dorm building, giving a short wave to the boys. Reiner waved good-bye while Bert only gave you a curt nod and the faintest nervous smile. You entered the one-room building, looking around at your roommates. You hadn’t had the opportunity to introduce yourself earlier, or even pick out a bed; all of you had only had time to drop your things off before you had to show up to training. _All right, I have Annie, Mina, Krista, a few girls I don’t know. I can do this._ You retrieved your bag from a wardrobe and went to take the bed next to Annie, but you saw Mina had already claimed it. _Oh well. The one time I met Annie she didn’t seem to like me all that much, you shrugged. Maybe a bed in the other bunk is open._ Picking the left-hand bunk closest to the door, you climbed the ladder to check if a bed was available. There was a red-haired girl sitting on the bed.

“Hi, is this bed available?” you asked, pointing to the one next to the ladder. The girl nodded. 

“Yeah, go ahead and claim it!” she invited you cheerfully. You smiled at her, hauling yourself onto the bed and dropping your bag onto the thin blankets. “I’m Hannah.” she introduced herself, extending her hand to you.

“I’m [First],” you shook her hand back, returning her smile. “It’s nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you too!” she said, hands digging inside her bag and pulling out her civilian clothes. “Do you know where the showers are? I didn’t have time to explore before I got here.” 

“No, I have no idea where they are,” you admitted, fishing your green tunic that was more of a shirt nowadays and black leggings out of your bag. “But I’m sure other people know where they are, and we can just follow the other girls to the showers.” 

“That’s a good idea.” she nodded, and the two of you climbed down the ladder and made to go out the door when you heard a voice call out, “Wait for us!” You glanced behind you to see little Krista Lenz hurry towards you, her clothes nestled in the crook of her arm like a baby. Beside her was someone you wish hadn’t seen you. _Oh, GOD NO!_ you internally panicked, eyes widening as the tall brunette besides Krista gave you a wide grin. _Ymir! What’s she doing here?! She shouldn’t be –_

“[First]! I thought I heard your voice a few moments ago!” she said grandly, throwing her arms wide open and striding towards her. You cringed, and she gave you a hug. “You know, for a while there I thought I was never going to see The Cat ever again.” she whispered in your ear, her breath scalding your damp skin. Her words made your intestines knot themselves. 

“You know each other?” Hannah asked. You grimaced at her. 

“Yeah, sorta,” you said, trying not to sound as nervous as you knew you looked. 

“‘Sorta?’ [First] and I are practically best friends for life!” Ymir stated as she kept an arm around your shoulder, pulling you into a side hug. “Now, come on! I don’t know about you guys but I could really use a shower right now!” 

*Four Hours Later* 

_You really should talk to Ymir, though, and tell her to keep her large mouth shut,_ thought as you walked alone to the mess hall. _I don’t want exactly want anyone else to know about that part of my past._ You sighed. _She’s going to be trouble, I know her well enough to know that._ The mess hall didn’t seem that crowded when you arrived. Everyone must have been taking their time with bathing before getting food. That, or they were avoiding eating the food. It did look awfully bland, but with the food shortage, you figured any food was good food. Living on the streets had taught you that. 

You spotted Bertolt and Jean at a table, and went to sit with them. “Hey, mind if I join you?” It wasn’t really a question; you sat down before either could say anything. 

“Yeah, sure,” Bertolt weakly responded, glancing nervously at you. _Why is he looking at me like that? I already promised I wouldn’t say anything about the Shiganshina thing, seriously,_ you thought as your teeth tore off a chunk of bread.

“The instructor didn’t pick on you, did he?” Jean demanded, looking almost accusatory at you. You swallowed your food as you nodded. 

“Mmhm. Thank God. I’m [First] [Last]. You’re Jean Kirstein, right?” you extended your hand over the table. He shook it, nodding his head. 

“Yeah. So, where’re you from?” he asked. 

“Shiganshina,” you lied flawlessly. 

“I’m sorry to hear that. Was it really as low-key as that kid’s making it sound?” he asked, jerking his head to the small crowd that was surrounding the table next to yours. You saw your friends die in front of you. You remembered the mad dash for the wall. You shook your head. 

“Maybe it wasn’t that bad for him. But I thought it was terrifying. There were titans everywhere. I almost didn’t make it to Wall Rose. My three friends I was with didn’t make it,” you explained. 

“I’m sorry,” Bertolt told you quietly, and you shrugged. 

“It’s fine. It happened ages ago,” you replied, trying to brush it off. 

“So, did you see the Colossal Titan?” Jean demanded. Before you could answer, you felt a warm liquid attack the left side of your body. You looked down at your ruined shirt: it was completely covered in stew. _Great! My favorite shirt, ruined!_ you thought, irritated. 

“[First], I-I-I’m so sorry, I meant to put my hand down on the table, and I caught the edge of my bowl, and made it . . . oh my God I’m so sorry!” Bertolt apologized profusely, his face redder than a tomato. 

“It’s fine,” you told him tersely. 

“I’ll get you a new shirt the next chance I get, I promise!” he promised you. He grabbed his untouched bread, handing it to you. “Here, have this. I’m sorry.” 

“Bertolt, it’s fine. And keep your bread, I don’t want it,” you told him, sighing as you looked at your tunic. “I’m going to go change. Can you guys watch over my food and make sure no one takes it?” 

“Sure,” Jean nodded as you stood up. Bertolt stood up with you. 

“I’ll walk with you to your dorm,” he told you. 

“All right,” you shrugged, and the two of you left the mess hall.

“I really am sorry about your shirt. I’ll replace it, I promise,” he said. 

“No, it’s fine. Really. It’ll wash out, I’m sure of it,” you assured him. “And it’s just a shirt, after all. It’s not a big deal.” 

“It was the one you wore when . . . you know,” he pointed out.

“That doesn’t make it special. It’s just a shirt at the end of the day. It’s honestly not a big deal. If I was keeping souvenirs from that day I would’ve kept the you-know-what.” You figured openly talking about stealing a dead soldier’s gear in a military facility was no a good idea.

“I guess. I still feel bad about it,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck. “You know, this has been bothering me for a while, but how’d you get so good at it?” He put a light emphasis on the last word, and you knew he was talking about maneuver gear. “I mean, I’m not complaining, but I’ve been wondering about it.” _WHY DIDN’T I CUT OUT HIS FUCKING TONGUE?!_ you moaned.

“I, well I just had a basic understanding of how it worked, and I just tried it out and got lucky,” you tried to brush it off. “I mean, it was go for that or die. What else could I do?” you finished sharply.

“I’m not accusing you of anything!” he exclaimed, throwing his hands up. “I was just curious about it. I mean, I’m glad we got lucky, otherwise we’d both be ash in the wind, but it just stuck in my mind.”

“I remember that day perfectly,” he said gravely.

“As do I.” You reached your dorm building, and you went to open the door, but you paused. “Bert, why did you save me back then?”

“Why?”

“Because you’re not the only one with a question burning in their head.” He looked reluctant to answer you but he finally spoke after what felt like an eternity.

“I just wanted one less death that day,” he replied quietly. “And . . . and I just couldn’t stand there and not do something when you were clearly going to die if I didn’t try something.” You heard the ginger girl’s bloodcurdling screams in your ears, joined by those of the blond boy and the raven-haired girl’s death cries. “Did I say something wrong? Why are you looking at me like that?” he asked tenderly, concern in his emerald eyes. Your face was stained with heartbreak and despair. 

“I, I, no.” You pressed your lips into a tight line, trying to get a hold of your feelings. You were not going to break down in front of him. “No, I’m fine. I’m totally fine.” _He risked his life for you, a stranger, and you didn’t even risk your life for your comrades,_ you tortured yourself. _If you can’t even do that, what kind of soldier are you going to make. Hell, what kind of person are you going to become if you keep being so selfish?_


	3. Chapter 3

“This is the easiest part of your training! If you can’t do this, you’re not good enough to be titan food!” Shadis yelled at the trainees as they stood clumped together in front of the practice rigging for the three-dimensional maneuver gear.

"Doesn't that look like fun? The Cat always liked heights, from what I remembered." Ymir whispered in your ear. You swatted her away. 

"Lay off me, Ymir. Jesus. And don't call me that." you squirmed away from her. 

"All right, _Kitten,"_ she pushed your buttons, making you grit your teeth. 

"Seriously, f-" 

"Cadets! Is there a problem?" _Well, fuck me,_ you thought. Shadis had noticed you two talking. 

"No, sir." you told him. 

"Great, then you two can be the first to go." he grabbed the collars of your jackets, dragging you forward before the practice rigging and shoving you two none too kindly to them. You swaggered to the rig, allowing yourself to be hooked in. _Time to show them what I'm made of,_ you thought. _Back straight, weight on my feet, arms out, feet flexed,_ you recalled your previous lessons, your breathing calm. Glancing at Ymir, you saw she was also strapped in and ready to go. She gave the smallest of nods, as if to challenge you. You returned the gesture as Shadis yelled for you two to be hoisted up. Slowly, your feet left the ground and you found yourself in the air. Your expectations of yourself were to glide perfectly into the air, looking like a rising goddess. Everyone would look at you in awe and wonder. Instead you struggled to keep your balance, feet shifting to try and find a good position. _What’s going on?! Why can’t I stay steady?!_ you thought, and although you were staying upright, you were wobbling pretty noticeably.

The Instructor and your fellow trainees looked unimpressed, making annoyance and frustration well in you. _I had a year of training in this! I should be perfect at it! What is this?! I mean yeah, I was always wobbly, but never this bad! Maybe a clasp is broken._ The blond boy had broken a clasp during training, resulting in him going upside down several times. _Maybe that’s my problem. It can’t be me; surely it’s got to be something else!_

You looked to Ymir, hoping she was as wobbly as you were. To your chagrin you saw her body was perfectly calm. _Damn it! What the fuck is UP with this?!_ you gritted your teeth, squeezing all of your muscles so hard it hurt. Shadis ordered you two to be let down, and you felt the ground connect with your feet. Bertolt was staring at you, and you met his gaze only for a second. You imagined he wasn’t impressed, just like everyone else, and you didn’t want to see that look on his face. As the next round of trainees went up in the air, you hid behind a few cadets, taking off your harness to make sure it was in working order. _No broken clasps! Everything’s perfect! What the hell?!_ you screamed in your mind, glaring at the harness. 

You put it back on swiftly, watching as Bertolt got hooked up to rig. You watched him ascend, his long limbs looking almost loose. He hung in the air perfectly like an ornament on a Christmas tree. _WHAT? He can do it but I can’t?! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?! THE LAST TIME HE WAS IN GEAR HE WAS SO SCARED HE HAD HIS FACE HIDDEN IN MY NECK THE ENTIRE TIME!_ you screeched, starting to fume at everyone’s ability to hang better than you. You hadn’t realized you were staring daggers at Bertolt until you noticed how nervously he walked towards you, Reiner in tow. 

“I-I’m sorry?” Bertolt apologized in a questioning tone as your face softened.

“Sorry, I spaced out. Didn’t mean to stare at you like that.” you muttered, rubbing the nape of your neck. “You’re good at it. I thought you were going to be scared and flailing, to be honest.” you admitted, a twinge of envy coating your words. 

“It’s not too bad when it’s in a safe environment.” he chuckled, shrugging. 

“I was kinda surprised you were so unbalanced, [First].” Reiner piped up. “I would have thought you’d be great at this sort of thing.” _Ouch._

“So was I.” you commented bitterly.

“I’d offer to help, but I’ve got some important things to do later today,” he told you. “Maybe Bertolt would like to help you.” Reiner slapped a nervous-looking Bertolt’s back.

“Well, I, I guess I could try to help you,” Bertolt agreed, beads of sweat dripping down his face. “But, I don’t think I could do much. I mean, I know you can do it. Maybe you’re just stressed and it’s affecting you.”

“I’m not stressed,” you mumbled, folding your arms across your chest. “I appreciate the offer, Bertolt, Reiner. I’m not sure who to thank. Anyway, I really do appreciate it, but I’m sure I’ll get it next time I go up.” _I just haven’t in a while,_ you defended yourself. 

But when you went back up for a second time, you weren’t better. But you weren’t worse. Weight focused on your feet, you still had difficulty staying still. _WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!_ you were nearly crying of frustration. _Just breathe normally, place your weight on your feet so you’re ready to go, and stay calm,_ you reminded yourself for the umpteenth time, but it did nothing to improve your skill. You were put back down, your feet landing on the ground with an audible _thump. How am I going to get respect from the others if I can’t even do this properly?_ you asked yourself as you went to stand with Bertolt and Reiner. As much as you hated to admit it, you needed help.

“All right, what time do you want to help me?” you asked Bertolt, folding your arms across your chest. 

*Four Hours Later* 

“Is your harness all set?”

“Yes.”

“You’ve double-checked?”

“Bitch I _triple_ -checked it.” 

“Okay then, I’m going to hoist you up now. Just remain calm. There’s nothing to be afraid of.” You heard Bertolt wind the crank. The balls of your feet were the last to leave the ground, and once again you tried to keep you balance. 

“You look really tense.” Bertolt said as he walked to you. He planted himself in front of you.

“Really? I had no idea.” you said sarcastically, rolling your eyes.

“Loosen up a bit. You can’t go into battle being that tense.” he suggested. “But don’t completely stop keeping everything together. You need to be loose and tight at the same time.” You unclenched your muscles a bit, but it only made you wobble more. You tensed back up. 

“I don’t think I can be loose and tight at the same time.” you told him.

“Yes, you can. Try it again.” he commanded. You let go of your leg muscles a teeny bit. You steadied a little more, but you felt uncomfortable with the new pressure you felt on your hips. “Try to stop moving your legs.” he told you. 

“That’s what I’ve been trying to do this whole time.” you reminded him impatiently.

“Just try it. Please.” he asked of you. You sighed and reluctantly obliged him. Snapping your legs together too fast, you lost your balance. You shrieked as you lurched forward.

“OHGODBERTLHODLTHELP!” you screeched hysterically. With cat-like reflexes, he thrusted his hands to your shoulders. The impact hurt, but it kept you from tipping over. You put your feet back down to steady yourself a bit. 

“Did you just call me Bertlhodlt?” he asked you, grinning good-naturedly and obviously holding back laughter. 

“Maybe,” you played along with him, a mild glare in your [e/c] eyes. You didn’t find it _that_ amusing, and you sure as hell didn’t like being teased. He coughed, regaining his composure. 

“Sorry.” he stated, watching you struggle to stay still. “Maybe you just can’t find your center of balance,” he muttered to himself, looking at you curiously. “Um, [First], would you mind . . .” he gestured vaguely at you.

“Would I mind what?” you asked, wiping some sweat off of your forehead.

“I-Is it okay if I touch you?”

“You can touch me anytime you want.” you joked, winking at him. His face flared up in color. 

“I-I meant your waist.” he clarified. 

“If that’s what floats your boat, Bertlhodlt.” you teased him, adding the last part so he knew for sure that you were just joking around. He said nothing. His large hands grabbed your twisting waist, steadying your upper body.

“See how this feels? How you have a centered balance?” he asked you, fingers lightly digging into your sides. _I just feel uncomfortable with this,_ you replied silently, disliking how much weight was on your hips. _Although I wouldn’t mind you keeping your hands where they are. That I’m totally fine with._ “I’m going to let go, and I want you to focus on keeping this kind of balance.” You nodded and he let go of your body. You managed to keep your upper body straight for the most part, but at the expense of flailing your legs all around in order to try and find a good balancing point. “Stop moving your legs.”

“I’m trying to find a good balance point!” you protested, and he raised an eyebrow.

“What are you talking about?” he inquired, emerald eyes looking at you confusedly.

“‘You balance on your feet so you’re ready to go when the moment comes!’” you quoted your instructor from your homeland. 

“You’ve been putting all your weight and balance focus on your feet this whole time?” he asked. His tone was curious, you noted. Not accusatory. 

“That’s what you’re _supposed_ to do!”

“No, it’s not. You keep your weight on your hips.”

“No you don’t!” you said, irritated. He sighed. 

“You keep your weight on that belt around your hips. Look, try this and then tell me I’m wrong.” he said soothingly, his voice overflowing with patience. That was a first in your life. “Bring your feet up behind you, so your knees are pointing straight down.” he commanded.

“Why the hell would I do that?!” you argued, surprised at his suggestion. _I’ll fall over if I do that!_ “Then I’m not going to be able to balance at all!”

“And that’s why you don’t keep your weight in your feet, because it screws you up.” he explained to you. You stared at him defiantly. _I was taught correctly, and I’m sticking to it,_ you thought stubbornly. _I’m going to do it, damn it, and show him he’s wrong._ You brought your legs up slowly, transferring your weight to your knees. The belts on your thighs pulled your skin up as your knees tried to fall through the harness. You fell back this time, and Bertolt stopped you from completely falling over, grabbing your arms almost lazily and pulling you back. You glared at him. You hated being wrong. 

“Fine, you’re right. I admit it.” you grumbled. 

“I’m just trying to help you.” he reminded you. 

“I know.” you replied, taking a deep breath. “So, how do I do this?” you added in a defeated tone. 

“Put all your weight on the belt around your hips. I’ll even hold you, if that makes you feel better.” he said. You nodded, looking to the ground. You felt his fingers lightly dig into your sides. It did make you feel safer and more comfortable, though you would never admit it to his face. You focused your weight on the belt around your hips, tightening your core to keep yourself steady. It felt wrong. Wrong and alien. It was against what you had been taught back in your homeland. But Bertolt was right, as much as you hated to admit it. You no longer wobbled around like a baby first learning to walk. You were steady as you floated in the air. 

“I’m going to let go now, I think you have it.” he said. There was a pause, and you realized he was waiting for you to give the okay.

“Yeah, go for it.” you said quietly. He let go, and you still remained still in the air. Elation was building up in your stomach, side by side with irritation and something else you couldn’t place. _How could I have been taught the wrong way to do this? No wonder everyone’s ranks were so low in this area!_ you thought as Bertolt went to the crank and brought you down. _But, how could my superiors have not known the right way to do this? Did they not know this was how to do it? Or did they choose to teach us a difficult and unsafe way?_

“[First]? You can unhook yourself now.” Bertolt’s deep voice ripped you out of your dream world.

“Oh? Yeah, I’ll do that.” you said, starting to undo a clasp. He came over and undid the other side for you. “Thanks for helping me with this, Bertolt.”

“It’s nothing. It’s the least I can do.” he shrugged. The two of you walked towards your dorms, talking and joking around. You felt a rush of gratefulness to have someone like him in your life: patient and a wonderful listener. So unlike everyone else. They didn’t like putting up with you, and simply ignored you when you spoke. But not him. He drunk in every word, serious or not, that came out of your mouth. And he seemed to value everything you had to say and everything you were, even if you could be insufferable.

For the first time ever, you felt like you truly had a friend.


	4. Chapter 4

A smug smile on your face, you silently cheered at being let loose for sparring. Gears, while you had gotten the highest score for it in your homeland’s training academy, wasn’t really your thing. And conditioning, well, it wasn’t your strong suit either. Sparring, however, was your favorite thing to do and quite possibly what you were best in. You looked around the practice ground, [e/c] scanning for a victim. _I could spar with Armin, but I want a challenge. Reiner’s already with Eren. I could spar with Annie but I think that’d be too much of a challenge, and besides, she slacks off anyway._ Your eyes found Bertolt. _He looks like he could put up a good fight. I’ll go for him._ But before you could reach him, you felt a hand on your shoulder. 

“You want to spar with me? The Cat and I got a score to settle, after all.” It was Ymir. You turned back to face her. The smug look on her face matched yours from moments ago. 

“If I spar with you and win, will you stop calling me The Cat? I’m not that girl anymore, Ymir,” you propositioned her.

“All right. You best me, I’ll stop calling you The Cat,” she agreed. “Although, I seriously doubt you’ve changed from our time together on the streets,” she added in a drawl, pointing a wooden knife at you. 

“You’d be surprised,” you flipped some loose strands of [h/c] hair out of your face, getting into a fighting stance. “Now, let’s get this done with. I want to stop being called by that nickname.” Ymir smirked, and charged at you. You backhanded her knife-laden hand hard, turning her and landing a punch square in her shoulder blades. She kicked back, hitting you in the knee. Pain shooting through your system, you allowed yourself to drop to the ground. _She needs to think I’m weak,_ you planned, watching Ymir’s arm swing down, the wooden knife getting closer and closer to your face. You grabbed her wrist and leaned back, narrowly avoiding getting stabbed in the face. With a hard tug forward, you brought Ymir down. You scampered onto her back, your foot pinning her free hand while your hands pried the knife out of her other hand.

“Psh. I let you win,” she blew the whole thing off, and you could tell she was rolling her eyes. She sharply drew in breath as your foot put more pressure on her wrist. 

“Don’t be a sore loser, Ymir. No one likes that,” you told her, freeing her hand and getting off her. 

“And no one likes a girl that reacts quickly and violently to small matters, Kitten,” she retorted. Anger and irritation flared in your body, making you pull your face into a scowl. 

“I thought you said you wouldn’t call me that,” you reminded her.

“I said I wouldn’t call you The Cat. I said nothing about calling you Kitten,” she pointed out. You glared at her. “What? Kitten’s not a bad nickname.”

“It is considering what it’s derived from!” you argued.

“And being called The Cat’s not a bad thing, either. If you don’t know the pathetic story behind it, it sounds cool and mysterious.”  

“Fuck off, Ymir,” you stated, making her grin smugly. 

“Always fast to swear at someone when you have no argument,” she taunted you, before looking over your shoulder. “Well, it looks like Krista’s done taking down Armin. I’d love to stay at chat with you, [First], but I’m going to go spar with Krista. Later.” She walked away, leaving you fuming and alone. _That bitch, thinks she’s so high and mighty. I hate her,_  you thought, beginning to walk towards Bertolt, who seemed to still be partnerless. 

“Hey, how come you’re all alone?” you asked him as you approached him. 

“Annie decided she’d rather go for a walk than do hand to hand combat,” he explained with a shrug. “And no one can tell her what to do.” You chuckled.

“Yeah. You wanna be my sparring partner? Ymir went and left me for Krista,” you asked him.

“Sure,” he shrugged. “Do you want to be the thug?” he offered the knife to you, and you took it wordlessly. “All right, whenever you’re ready.” He got into a fighting stance as you backed away from him. You wanted to be able to get a good running start at him. You took a deep breath, and came at him with the wooden knife. You aimed at his stomach, but intended to switch and go for his neck at the last minute. He charged at you, and before you could swing your arm up to his neck, his long fingers gripped your wrist and twisted it painfully. A pained gasp escaped your throat as you involuntarily dropped the knife. Before he could grab it, your other hand grasped it. _Damn, he’s good. Not holding back._ You grinned. _Just the way I like it._ You kicked him in the shins, and while he did let go of you, he didn’t fall down like you’d hoped. He did, however, let go of your wrist. The knife was returned to your dominant hand, and you swung at his ribs. 

Bertolt’s arm forcibly caught your torso, making you lose your balance and fall to the ground. You coughed painfully, body pulling itself into fetal position. _That fucking HURT!_ you thought, trying to catch your breath. Sharply exhaling, you didn’t allow yourself to rest. Taking advantage of the fact he looked dumbstruck, as if surprised by his own strength, you flew at him and landed a good punch into his stomach. He took a step back from the impact, and your foot caught his leg and kicked it out from under him. He fell to the ground, and you went to tackle him and pin him down. He caught your shoulders with his hands, and swept up your legs with his shins. You emitted a small shriek as he suspended you above him. The surprise movements made you drop the knife a few centimeters from him. Desperately, you tried to reach the knife, but he was good at keeping you up and in place. Fortunately, this meant he couldn’t get to the knife either. You were in a stalemate. Sudden laughter filled the air.

“Bertolt, you’re supposed to keep her down, not lift her up,” you heard Reiner say. You looked up and saw him approach you two, Eren at his side. Your face flushed a dark red, embarrassed at being caught in such a ridiculous position. 

“I think as long as she doesn’t have the knife, it doesn’t matter,” Bertolt replied, looking up at his friend. He was ignoring your flailing figure above him. _Why won’t he give up, or fling me off?!_  you questioned his motives, beating your fists against his arms. 

“But you don’t have the knife either,” Eren pointed out. Bertolt shrugged, shifting you forward slightly. 

“Then neither of us wins. It’s better than losing,” he reasoned. 

“That’s not the point. Someone needs to get the knife. In real life you’d be scrambling to get the knife before she could,” Reiner jerked his head towards you. Bertolt sighed. 

“I guess you’re right,” he sighed. He flung your body away from him easily, your back hitting the ground with a thud. Before you could move, he grabbed the knife. “There. I got the knife,” he told Reiner, waving the knife lazily. It slipped out of his fingers, and he fumbled to catch it again. You snorted. _What a dork,_ you thought lovingly. As if he could hear your thoughts, he looked down at you, surprised. Silently, he offered a hand to help you up. You decided to take him up on his officer.

“I guess it’s your turn to be the thug,” you told him. 

“Don’t you want to take a break? You look a little red, you must be exhausted from all this fighting,” he said. 

“Or maybe she’s the opposite of exhausted,” Reiner smirked, and you shoved him hard in response.

“Oh my God Reiner, get out,” you told him, and he only snickered at you. “Eren, go beat the shit out this asshole for me, why don’t you?”

“Can do, [First],” he nodded, playing along with you. Reiner simply laughed, clapping Eren on the back. 

“We probably should get back to sparring, anyway. I’d rather not get head butted by Shadis,” he commented. 

“Really? I would have thought getting head butted is the only thing that your head gets involved in,” you snarked, making him roar with laughter.

“Oh God, Bert, you know how to pick ‘em!” he chuckled as he and Eren walked a few feet away from you two. Apparently, he didn’t want to stray too far from Bertolt. “This one’s hell-fire.”

“Damn right I am,” you muttered with satisfaction before looking up at Bertolt. “All right, it’s your turn to be the thug.” You braced yourself swiftly, and he came at you. He feigned a punch, and you unfortunately fell for it. Instead, he kicked you in the shins, successfully taking you down. He pinned down your torso with his free hand while his other hand went to mock stab you in the face. You gripped` his wrist, pushing back on him as the knife neared you. _God, [First], get your head in the game! Focus on getting that knife and showing him I’m not completely useless!_  Your were getting tired of getting shown up. Your legs wrapped around his waist, and you planted your shoulders onto the barren ground beneath you. Squeezing him as tightly as possible, you rocked your hips violently side to side, shaking his body. 

"[First], you're supposed to go up and down, not side to side!" Reiner joked from a few yards away, making your face turn crimson as you shook Bertolt even harder, determined to get him on his back. 

“Get back to work, Braun!” you scolded him, trying desperately to keep your shoulders stationary on the ground. You glared up at his sweaty face, and you imagined yours was probably just as sweat-strewn as his was. He stared right back at you, green eyes bright with determination and what looked like chaotic confusion, and cheeks slowing turning tomato red. _Is he . . .?_

“Are you _embarrassed_  by this?” you asked him bluntly, eyes flitting to your swaying legs. 

“No! Of course not!” his face turned an even darker shade of red, making you smirk. _A weakness. Just what I need to exploit the situation._ “Why -” You took advantage of his flustered beginning to an answer by using every ounce of strength you have to throw him to the side. He gave, and you rolled him onto his back, legs still wrapped around his midsection like a boa constrictor around her prey. His wrists were trapped in the cell that was your strong fingers. He was pushing back on you, trying to land a knife strike that would call the exercise off.

“[First], I’m sorry about this,” he apologized, and before you react he sprung onto his feet, pushing your upper body towards the ground, and you tightened your legs around his waist in response.

“You’re not getting rid of me that fast,” you spat at him before releasing his waist from your grasp. Your foot slipped on the dusty ground and you plummeted onto the hard ground, taking Bertolt with you. Both of you cried out, him in surprise and you in pain, feeling as if someone had taken a sledgehammer to your foot and torso. _Goddammit, not again. What is with me and injuring my feet?_ you gritted your teeth, the searing pain making your eyes water.

"Are you okay?" he asked, getting off you and standing. Once again, he helped you up. It hurt like a bitch to put pressure on your foot, and when you tried to stand you found that it couldn't support your weight. You would have fallen again is Bertolt hadn't been holding onto you. _Dammit, what do I? Let it heal on its own or try and heal it all at once and risk fucking up my foot again?_ As a titan shifter, you had a faster healing process than humans, but as you found out with your first foot injury, there was something wrong with the strain of shifter potion you were given. You had been vaguely aware of it back home, but you found out last year that unlike your companions, if you tried to focus on healing a wound quickly, it healed wrong and caused issues.

“Whoa, [First], that was quite the fall,” Reiner commented concernedly, walking to you and Bertolt while dragging along poor Eren in a headlock. 

“It’s totally okay. _I’m_ totally okay,” you told him, trying to brush off the injuries.

"I think you should go to the medical wing, [First]," Eren said concernedly as you kept a hold of Bertolt for support.

"No, I'm fine! Just let me gather myself for a moment," you replied. 

"You can't keep fighting like that," Reiner said. "Just go to the infirmary."

"I'm fine," you seethed. _The military isn't going to let me keep going like this! I need to risk healing it, and fast._ "Seriously. Lunch is in a few minutes, I'll rest it then."

"Do you expect it to get better in the span of forty-five minutes?" Bertolt asked incredulously.

"Yes. It's not that bad, I promise. The initial pain just took me by surprise," you tried to convince them; they all looked skeptical.

*That Night*

Luckily, you had been able to heal your ribs just fine, and your foot well enough that by the time gear training came along, it only felt sore. You were in the girl's dorm talking with Hannah when you heard a knock on the door. The girls fell silent, looking curiously to the entrance. Everyone was inside, and no one ever knocked anyway.

"Maybe it's one of the girls from the one hundred and third trainee squad," Sasha suggested to everyone. “I heard rumors about them wanting to haze us.”

"Let's find out." The cool, collected Mikasa stood from the bench she was sitting on and went to the door, swinging it open.

"Uh, hi, Mikasa. I-I was wondering if [First] was here. And if she is, can you please send her out here so I can talk to here." You felt your cheeks heat up as everyone's attention went from Bertolt to you. _What’s he doing here? Is something wrong?_ You descended the bunk bed ladder quickly and pushed past Mikasa to join your friend, shutting the door behind you for some privacy. 

"What's up?" you asked, folding your arms across your chest.

"I just wanted to see how your foot was doing," he admitted, and you noticed even with the low lights that he was sweating more than usual.

"It's a lot better now, thanks," you informed him. "I wasn't lying when I said it wasn't serious."

"I figured, I just wanted to make sure you were okay," he said, his voice almost nervous. You had to fight to keep a grin off your face. _He's pretty cute when he looks flustered like this._

"Thanks for checking up on me, that's really sweet of you," you told him, lightly punching his arm.

"I, well, it's what comrades do for each other, right?" he shrugged.

"I actually think it's more of a friend thing," you told him. You could have sworn he flinched at the word "friend," but then again it was very dark outside, so who could tell for sure? "I mean we are friends, right, Bertld . . . Bertl . . . What did I call you yesterday?" you asked. 

"Bertl-something. I don't remember the last bit," he admitted.

"Damn, I only remember that it was a good name," you lamented. 

"Just Bertl's a good nickname, I guess. I've never had a nickname before, or known anyone with one, so I don't know what makes a good one."

"[First]'s nickname is Kitten." You shrieked as you heard Ymir's voice interrupt the conversation. Her head was between the cracked-open door and the door jamb. She smirked at your shocked face and closed the door, leaving you two alone once more.

"'Kitten?'" he repeated, almost as if he was trying to assess it. You blushed, but not from irritation. No, Bertolt's voice lacked the maliciousness of Ymir's. His was full of innocence and trial, trying out the name like one would try on clothes. "Your nickname is Kitten?"

"Yeah, sort," you failed to elaborate.

"I've seen you and her before, you don't get along well. Do you not want me to call you that?" he asked, taking you by surprise. No one had ever asked if you had been okay with the names you were given before.

"Well," you began. If anyone was to call you that, you'd want it to be him. For all he knew, Kitten came from the fact you were adorable and on the smaller side. He didn’t say it with Ymir’s bitchiness. "Yes. I'm okay with you calling me that."

"Okay, Kitten." He paused before letting out a nervous laugh. "That's . . . I feel kind of uncomfortable calling you that, since we barely know each other," he admitted, flustered. "I can just keep calling you [First] and you won't be offended, right?"

"Yeah, of course," you nodded. "I-I don't have to call you Bertl, either." 

"No, I don't mind. I mean, I'd rather not have it catch on, you know? But I'll allow you to call me that." You smiled at him, and the two of you continued talking about mundane things.

Inside the dorm, unbeknownst to you, Ymir had kept eavesdropping after she had interjected about your nickname.

"Hey, everyone!" she announced to everyone. "Bertolt Hoover wants everyone to call him Bertl! Let's respect his wishes and start using his nickname!"


	5. Chapter 5

“It’s just a little ways from here, don’t worry, we’re almost there.” the cadet from the one hundred and third trainee corps told you, her hands on your shoulders as she guided you through God knew where. A black blindfold was covering your eyes, and you had long ago lost your sense of direction. Not that you really had one in the first place.

“Thank God, my legs are getting tired.” you said. 

“They’ll just get more tired. Remember, you have to walk through the haunted building and bring back proof you made it to the Suicide Room.” the girl reminded you. There was an abandoned building on the edge of the training facilities, and the rumor was it was haunted by long dead cadets that driven to commit atrocities in the basement and kill themselves in the tower room. Why this was, there were several versions of the legend. Some said they were driven mad by drill sergeant from hell, others said they were possessed by the spirits of cadets that died during training, and wishing for some retribution for their untimely demises, would take control of live cadets and force them into villainy. 

But either way, you thought it was complete bullshit. 

_The whole thing was just made up by some trainee corps so they have an excuse to haze the younger cadets,_ you snarked in your mind. _Ghosts don’t fucking exist. Seriously, do they think we’re five years old?_ You heard a door open, and the girl presumably lead you into the building. 

“All right, you can take off the blindfold.” the girl said. 

“It’s about time,” you muttered under your breath. Ghosts or no, it was pretty fucking creepy in the room. Everything had a layer of dust on it, and it just looked _old._ God knew how long this building had been abandoned. _Hell, with this, I’m going to die from falling through a rotted patch in the floor, not by ghosts,_ you thought, nose crinkling at the moldy, disgusting smell of the house. 

“Alonso, Mickey, bring out the other cadets in her group!” the girl, Rose, you thought her name was, called out, and you saw familiar faces emerge from the room on the other side of the foyer. You internally breathed a sigh of relief: Reiner, Marco, and Bertolt were going to be with you the whole time. _Good. So glad I didn’t get Jean or Connie. They’d make this so unbearable,_ you grinned. 

“You know the drill. You have to carve your initials into the walls in the tower room.” Alonso instructed you. You all nodded in confirmation. “We’re going to lock you in until we hear three knocks from this door,” he pointed at the front door. “Only do it once you’ve completed your task.” 

“Yeah, yeah, we get it. Let’s just do this.” you rolled your eyes at him, and he shot you an irritated look. 

“As you wish, [Last].” he told you gravely, and he and his two companions left, audibly locking the door behind them. 

“So,” Reiner clapped his hands together, looking at all of you. “Where’s the staircase?” 

“Inside the building.” you snarked. He rolled his eyes. 

“No, really?” he asked you sarcastically. “I say let’s make our way to the other side of the building, where the tower is. The staircase must be by there.” 

“Do we even know where we are in here? For all we know, we could be in the corner that the tower is in.” Marco pointed out. 

“No, we’re across from the tower.” Bertolt injected. “They want to scare us. There are probably loads of cadets waiting in crevices to scare us. It wouldn’t make sense for them to lead us in on the side the tower is on, because then that gives them less scaring opportunities.” 

“Bertolt’s got a point,” you agreed with his logic. “Let’s go across the building. The staircase has got to be over there.” With Reiner leading the way, the four of you walked through the next room. A table and chairs were set up in the middle of the room, cobwebs anchoring the chairs to the ratted rug. A layer of dust and dead bugs was the furniture’s tablecloth. A faded china set was set up on the table, and you could see a cluster of spiders in one cup. Your stomach turned, feeling sick at the disgusting sight. You never cared the mixing of bugs and food. 

“Does anyone actually know what this building used to be?” Reiner asked, going to the tea set and picking up a tarnishing spoon. “Why the hell is there a dining room here?” 

“I had heard it was a dorm building for cadets before they switched to using what we have now.” Marco piped up. 

“I had heard it was that crazy drill sergeant’s home” Bertolt added. 

“Funny, I thought it was supposed to be the old infirmary.” you said, looking around the room at the cracked mirrors. _Looks like the older cadets had fun smashing mirrors,_ you commented. As much as you hated to admit it, the place was a lot creepier than you were expecting and you felt a little nauseous from the fear of being scared by some bratty older cadets. Something shiny on the floor, wedged between the wall and a cabinet, caught your eye, and you went to investigate it. You reached for it and pulled it out. It was a dagger, clearly weathered by the ravages of time but still looked like it could cause some damage. “Who the fuck puts a dagger between the wall and a cabinet? That makes zero sense.” 

“Alonso probably put it there so we could find it.” Marco pointed out. “We do need something to carve our initials with; he probably planted it there so we could get it as soon as possible. I’m sure with all the recruits and limited night hours, they’re pressed for time.” 

“Good point,” you stated, looking at your blurry reflection in the dagger. “Speaking of being pressed for time, let’s find the staircase already. I want to back to bed.” Not waiting for them to lead the way, you strided past them and through the double doors. It was an unfortunate decision, as you walked right into some cobwebs. You froze, trying to keep yourself together. You hated bugs with a passion, but you couldn’t show fear. You wouldn’t let yourself show fear. You didn’t want the boys to see you scared; they’d lose respect for you. Marco and Bertolt came to your rescue, helping you remove the spider webs while you stayed planted in your spot, still as a mountain. Inside you were screaming and shaking, your stomach a violent sea of panic. 

“You okay, [First]?” Marco asked you tenderly, his hands on your shoulders reassuringly. 

“Yeah, I’m fine.” you lied, trying to brush it off. 

Reiner strode across the kitchen to an ajar door to the left of you all. It opened into pitch blackness, and he stuck his head through the doorway. “I found a hallway, maybe?” You three joined him. 

“Where does that end?” Marco mused quietly. 

“We could throw something and see how long it takes to collide with something,” Bertolt suggested. You looked down at the dagger in you hand, and idea sparking in your mind. 

“All right, bitches, if there’s anyone standing in this hallway, you better get on your knees. I’m throwing knives and I don’t want to take someone’s eye out.” you shouted, thrusting your head into the darkness. Bertolt caught your arm, emerald eyes full of hilarious concern, as if he didn’t trust you to do this. You didn’t really blame him. 

“You can’t just throw a knife down there!” he told you, and you pulled your arm out of his grasp. 

“Yeah, I can. I just gave them a warning, everything’s fair game now.” you said, and before he could stop you, you threw the knife into the darkness. The silence was tense between the four of you; none of you knew what to expect. But the quiet didn’t last too long, for a few seconds later you heard a small thud of the knife sticking into something wooden, probably a door. 

“How did you do that?” Marco asked you, looking completely impressed with your skill. You grinned. 

“I’ve been throwing knives for most of my life.” you revealed. “Now, we need some light source. Who knows what kind of debris is on the floor? I don’t want to help carry anyone if they hurt themselves after tripping.” 

“I’ll grab the candelabra off the counter.” Bertolt offered. He fetched it, and pulled some matches out of his pocket. The box had strange symbols on them, but for some reason they looked familiar to you. It was on the tip of your tongue what it was, but you just couldn’t recall where you had seen those symbols before. 

“Why do you have matches?” you asked, raising an eyebrow at him. 

“I figured we’d need them, so I put them in my pockets before they took us out of our dorms.” he informed you, lighting the candles. 

“Smart move.” Reiner commented, taking the candelabra from Bertolt. “I’ll go first.” He hesitated before making his way into the dark. Marco followed, and you tailed him. You felt safe between him and Bertolt, but you couldn’t help but feel a bit nervous. The old floor creaked under your bare feet, and you wished you had thought to put shoes on. There were doors on either side of you, and you were wary of them. _Who knows when one of those assholes will pop out and scare us?_ you thought, slightly hesitating before each door. 

“Are you scared?” Bertolt’s breath was hot on your neck as he asked you this, his voice concerned. 

“No!” you vehemently denied. There was no way you were going to admit you were tense and creeped out by this whole hazing ritual. “I’m not wearing shoes; I’m just worried about stepping on something sharp.” It wasn’t a complete lie. You could see, thanks to the candles, but it was still pretty dark and you couldn’t see well enough to see every little detail in the hallway.

“I-I-I guess, if you wanted, I could carry you through the hallway until we get to a place with better lighting.” he offered quietly. 

“No, it’s fine.” you waved away his offer. 

“I’d hate for you to get hurt during this.” he insisted. 

“Are you so scared you need Bertl to carry you, [First]?” Reiner teased you, turning his head back to talk to you. Your chest puffed out indignantly while you folded your arms. 

“No! I’m not scared. This is the stupidest hazing ever! And the only scary thing about abandoned buildings is the absurd amount of dust and copious amounts of toxic mold.” you boasted. 

“Don’t let the ghosts hear you, [First], or you’ll be the first to go.” Reiner replied with a smirk. 

“Ghosts don’t exist. They’re a part of bullshit stories parents tell their kids in order to keep them out of places like this.” you rolled your eyes. The four of you reached the end of the hallway. Your dagger was stuck into the wood. You smiled, proud of your skill, as Marco removed the knife and handed it to you. Reiner tried the door, but it was locked. 

“You don’t happen to be good at picking locks, do you?” he asked you. You shrugged. 

“I’ve done it before, but I’m not that great at it.” you admitted nonchalantly. You never really had to pick locks with you were on the street; others did it for you. “I’ll take a crack at it, though.” as you stepped towards the door, it audibly unlocked and swung open a little. 

“I think the ghosts are trying to show you up,” Reiner snickered as he went into the next room. You smirked smugly. 

“Thank you, ghosts, for opening the door.” you said sarcastically with a bow, before dropping your voice to a lower pitch and adding mockingly, “‘Nooooo proooblem, [Fiiiiirst].” The other boys laughed along with you as you all filed into the room. It was an old shower and bath room, and you could smell the stench of stagnant water mixing with the odor of mold. At least the room had a lot of moonlight filtering in from the dirty window. 

“Looks like we took a wrong turn,” Marco sighed. “I was so sure we were heading in the right direction. Bertolt, what’re you doing?” he added as your tall friend went towards a bathtub filled with water. You went to join him, rolling your eyes. You knew something was going to come out and grab him. Best be near him to save him. 

“I thought I saw something in here.” he said. And indeed, you could see a hazy figure in the water. A thought struck you: _How about we scare the hazer before he has the chance to scare us?_ Without warning, you plunged your arms into the bathtub, grabbing the figure and pulling it to the surface. Marco gave a high-pitched shriek when you pulled up not a hazer, but a decomposing body. Well, decomposing dead body prop, you figured. 

“[First], put that back!” Bertolt begged you urgently. He too looked freaked out, his face completely drained of color. 

“Why? It’s fake. An outstanding fake, really,” you added, looking at how realistic it looked. If this wasn’t a hazing done to purposefully scare kids, you’d assume it was real. And to be honest, it did scare you a little bit. It was _too_ realistic for your liking, and it did not help the wild nerves flaring already in your stomach. “But I mean, come on, it’s obviously a fake. This is a hazing, after all.” you reminded them. 

“Just put it back, Kitten, it’s freaky to look out.” Reiner told you, his voice unusually stern. You guess it freaked him out too. You shrugged and laid the body back in the bathtub. 

“Fine.” you obliged him. “Ugh. I feel like I need to wash my arms now, though. God know what kind of bacteria was growing in that water.” 

“You’re more concerned about that?!” Marco squeaked, his face paler than porcelain. “You’re either entirely fearless or just desensitized to dead things.” 

“It’s not real, Marco. It can’t be.” you rolled your eyes. “Now, come on. Let’s find the Suicide Room. I want to get back to a functioning bathroom to wash my arms as soon as possible.” The four of you left the room, standing in the hallway. “Let’s try the doors, maybe there’s a stairway through one of them.” The four of you started trying them, and eventually you found a room with a staircase on the other side. Reiner trudged through, once again leading you all through. It looked like a medical room of some sort, with metal gurneys and old medical instruments strewn around. It was obvious they had been moved recently, as they were wiped clean of all dust. You rolled your eyes. _Fuckin’ amateurs._ And yet, it did nothing to help your nerves. If anything, it made it worse. Surely the room being cleaner meant cadets were in there and ready to try and scare you, right? 

“I guess you were right, [First], this was an infirmary,” Marco said, getting distracted and picking up a syringe. 

“I think there’d be more medicinal rooms then,” you pointed out. “This is the only one we’ve found.” 

“That doesn’t mean they don’t exist.” Bertolt commented as he joined Marco, his long fingers cupping a scarificator. “Does anyone else think it’s odd to have this sort of thing here?” 

“No, it is a medical instrument, after all.” you said. “Bloodletting is popular and it’s proven to be helpful, so of course it’d be here.” Marco and Bertolt looked at you curiously, and although you couldn’t see Reiner, you knew he looked at you with the same look. 

“Bloodletting isn’t used anymore.” Marco said slowly. “It’s extremely detrimental, not to mention it can be fatal. No doctor has used it for decades.” 

“What?” you asked incredulously. “What do you mean? I’ve had my blood let several times, and I always felt way better afterwards.” _This place is fucking backwards. Everyone knows bloodletting is good for you. These walls have made the people go crazy, I swear. Nothing makes sense here._ Bertolt placed a hand on your arm, as if to reassure you. 

“[First], no one gets bled anymore.” his voice was barely a whisper. He almost sounded scared, as if something horrific happened. _He’s not going to make a good soldier if he’s horrified at the thought of blood pouring out of someone,_ you thought critically. 

“Well, I was.” you said. “Now, let’s go up to the tower. We’re almost there and I want to wash my arms and go back to bed.” You all started to ascend the stairs. 

“Has anyone else thought it was funny how except for that bathroom, we haven’t gotten jumped or anything?” Reiner asked as you all started the second flight of stairs. 

“Reiner, don’t jinx us!” Marco scolded him. He still looked unnerved from your conversation, and you could tell the spooky building was taking its toll on him. You didn’t blame him; he looked as unnerved as you felt. 

“There’s probably loads of rooms we missed with scares in them. And no doubt there’s something going on in the tower.” Bertolt pointed out. You nodded. 

“Duh. It’s their last chance to pathetically try to scare the bejesus out of us. I mean, do they think we’re a bunch of pussies or something?” you said. Reiner turned to you sharply, his amber eyes glaring at you. 

“I understand you’re acting all tough as a coping mechanism, but don’t act like no one should be scared in here. It’s not okay.” 

“I’m not ‘acting tough!’ I legitimately don’t think this is scary!” you lied indignantly. 

“Then you go into the Suicide Room first.” The candelabra was shoved into your hands, and you felt your stomach wretch. You put on a brave face. _After all, I know something’s coming._

“Fine.” you said, nose in the air haughtily. “I’ll go in first.” 

The room was full of moonlight and dust. It was light enough outside that you were able to put the candelabra down, no longer needing it. The windows were open, and the filmy curtains danced in the cool breeze. The heavy door slammed shut behind you, and you were thankful to your body for not jumping. This room was by far the creepiest you had seen. There was loose rope lying on the floor, and up in the rafter there were knotted rings of knots, remnants from the cadets that had taken their lives in this room. It wasn’t much, but the small reminder of chosen death frightened you to no end. The wallpaper was faded and wounded from the years of cadets slicing their initials into it. You found a blank spot and cut your initials into it. You were ready to go. _There. Done. Now I can go back to sleep. Before some freak shows up and scares me._ Your friends completed their task almost painfully slow. From looking around the bare room, you knew there was no way for anyone to play a joke on you guys, but you were still terrified something was going to come out of nowhere at any moment. 

“All right, we’re done! We can go back and have Alonso take us back!” Reiner said, smiling. All of you looked relieved to be done for the night. You turned around to exit, and ran into someone or something. The shock of not knowing something was behind you was too much; you released all of your pent up fear. You gave a blood-curdling scream and threw a quick and hard punch at the figure. As it recoiled you fled, shrieking incomprehensible words that sounded vaguely like swears, into Bertolt’s arms for protection. Reiner and Marco burst out laughing, and you should tell by Bertolt’s shaking chest that he was fighting back laughter. Your chest heaved as you fought not to cry: you had never been so scared or embarrassed in your life before. 

“Fucking _bitch,_ I came in here to check up on you idiots and you sucker punch me in the face?” Alonso stared daggers at you, his hands cupped around his nose and blood pouring from the spaces between his fingers. He rolled his eyes and went to leave, prompting the four of you to follow him out. You clung to Bertolt, your adrenaline running and your chest heaving from shock. 

“Did we really take that long that you came to check on us? I thought we were pretty fast.” Marco said. 

“Oh, don’t act all innocent,” Alonso rolled his eyes. “I came in here to get you five to make you stop fucking with us. Where’s your fifth member? Where is he hiding?” 

“What do you mean, fifth member?” Reiner asked. “It’s just been us four the entire time.” 

“Stop covering for whoever it is.” Alonso said curtly as you all made your way through the dark hallway. “We heard the three knocks on the door, and went to answer it, and no one was there. And so we shut it, and it just kept happening, over and over again, and finally I got fed up and decided to get you morons and end your hazing since you obviously think you’re too cool for it and are trying to scare us, or something. Rose was sure you were trying to turn the tables. So, where is he?” 

“We have no fifth member, we’ve told you.” Reiner repeated himself, irritated. “And us four have been together this whole time.” 

“M-maybe it was a ghost.” Marco suggested quietly, face paling. 

“Alonso, you’re full of shit, and you deserve that broken nose.” you told him. “I see what you’re getting at, acting like some supernatural shit happened so you’d come and bring us back, and we’d be all, ‘Oh okay it’s over’ and then BAM! You scare us with something down here. Well, I’m not falling for it.” 

“That’s actually a great idea, but no. We heard knocking and Rose made me come up there to see what was going on.” Alonso insisted. You all fell silent; you didn’t know what to think. Believe in what was logical, or believe Alonso? You walked through the small dining room, and you felt a sharp pain in your foot. 

“Fuck! What was that?” you stopped, bringing up your foot to see what you had stepped on. A large, bloody shard from a teacup lay on the floor, and you had been lucky enough to step on it. You didn’t feel anything lodged in your foot, but it hurt to walk on it. Bertolt stayed with you as the other three went on, not waiting for you to recover. 

“Do you want to take me up on my offer from earlier?” Bertolt asked you. And as much as you hated getting help from people, you nodded. You didn’t want to get dirt in the wound. Bertolt’s arms grabbed your waist and effortlessly picked you up. Your arms wrapped around his neck to help support your weight as you put your leg around his leg, letting your injured foot hang. You didn’t want to get blood on his clothes. 

“How the tables have turned.” you remarked sardonically as you two made your way through the rest of the building and finally, out of it. 

“I have to return the favor somehow.” he shrugged. 

“You’ve returned the favor five times by now.” you told him. 

"If I remember correctly, someone told me that that's what friends do." he said. You smiled and like he had once done to you years ago, you nuzzled your face into the crook of his neck. His skin was damp with sweat, unsurprisingly, but the fact that his skin was so soft and warm made up for that. It was too bad you had to focus on not healing your foot. The pain detracted from the experience, but you tried to ignore the stinging. After all, you'd heal once you got back to your dorm. You shut your eyes, relishing the feeling of being carried back to camp. You couldn't think of any better way of transportation than being carried by Bertolt. You also couldn't see that Reiner had hung back from the group, waiting for you and Bertolt to catch up. You also couldn't see him jerking his head towards you while giving Bertolt a look that said, "We need to have a discussion about her." 

*Twenty Minutes* 

Only after Marco offered to stay with you in the infirmary did Bertolt reluctantly slink off with Reiner. They went to the bathrooms, knowing it'd be deserted and a good place to talk. 

"Bert, don't you think it was odd at all how she insisted that she'd been bled?" Reiner was asking Bertolt, who was leaning against the stone wall near the sinks. "We know for a fact that doesn't happen here!" 

"We can't be for certain on what goes on in every little town," Bertolt argued, arms folded in front of his chest. "For all we know, she comes from a town where they still use scarificators." 

"You and I both know the only place that still does a lot of bleeding is the other village." Reiner pointed out. 

"What, you think she's like us?" Bertolt asked incredulously. 

"I think it's just suspicious how she talked about that, coupled with her getting over that leg injury she got a few days ago quickly, and that you mentioned she saved you and her by using gear during Shiganshina." 

"I agree it's fishy and we should keep an eye on her, but I honestly don't think she's a shifter. In Shiganshina she was extremely unstable with the gear. We almost crashed or fell several times. And you saw how shaky she was at first when we did basics here. If she was a shifter infiltrating the military don't you think her superiors would have taught how to work gear better? And we don't know how serious that injury was. For all we know it really wasn't that bad." Bertolt defended you. 

"Look man, I'm just saying I think it's weird. And we were told there may be others like us out here. I mean, I love [First], she's a riot. I don't want her to be a shifter. I don't want her mixed up in this life." 

"I don't think she is, Reiner. I honestly don't." 

"Yeah, because you have a thing for her and you don't want to think the worst of her." Reiner stated flatly. 

"I don't have a thing for her!" A pink flush painted Bertolt's cheeks, making his blond friend smirk. 

"Your face says otherwise," he snickered. "Look, let's just keep an eye on her. Better yet, why don't you see if she's got a scar or anything from that cut she got tonight?" 

"If she is a shifter she'll probably let it heal the natural way so she doesn't stir up suspicion. If we were told there'd be enemy shifters, the other village probably told their shifters the same thing. She couldn't risk getting attention." 

"Good point." – he paused – "Do you think she suspects us?" Bertolt snorted. 

"I'd highly doubt it." he stated. 

"I want to be sure she's not a shifter." Reiner said. "And maybe, who knows, if she's not we can take her back to our hometown and make her one. She'd be a great shifter. But we need the reassurance she's not one of us. Do you think she'd let you see her scars from being bled? If she was a shifter, she wouldn't have any scars from it." 

"Depends where on her body." Bertolt shrugged. "But I guess that was long as it wasn't somewhere intimate that she'd be okay with it. I'll ask her, but you're going to be disappointed when she has scars from a scarificator." 

"And you'll be disappointed when she has no scars." Reiner countered. 

"She'll have scars. I'm positive she's not like us." Bertolt said. 

"Either way, we need to keep an eye on her. She can be a potential ally or an enemy. We need to make sure she's not someone we have to be wary of."


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going through the piece and fixing grammar because my style shifted. Anything past this point hasn't been fixed yet. I'm sorry T-T

You sat with Marco and Jean during dinner, joking around with them.

"So there I was, standing over Xavier’s bag, and he was all, '[First], I need to get in between your legs,' and then I said, in all seriousness since I had forgotten I was standing over his bag, 'Well this is a weird place to ask for that!'" the three of you howled with laughter, you and Marco throwing your heads back while Jean doubled over, fists pounding the table. 

"Oh my God, Kitten, that is pure gold!" Jean laughed, looking up at you and wiping away tears of laughter. 

"You have the best stories, hands down." Marco commented, putting a hand on your shoulder. You gave him a large grin. 

"Thanks, Marco," you said as movement to your right caught your attention. It was Bertolt. He stood next to you, food tray in hand. 

"C-can I sit with you guys?" he asked. _Poor thing, he looks nervous,_ you thought sympathetically as you surveyed his face, slightly red and sweat-soaked more than usual. 

"You don't ever have to ask that, Bertl, you can always sit with us." you told him. He quickly took the open spot in front of you. 

"Thanks." he murmured, green eyes avoiding yours. 

"[First] was just telling us some of her hilarious stories from her childhood," Marco filled him in before turning to you. "What story will be next?" 

"Could I suggest something?" Bertolt asked quietly. 

"I guess," you replied, raising an eyebrow at him. _Does he know anything about my past? Why is he taking an interest?_

"You mentioned last night that you've undergone bloodletting. I was just wondering why." he asked quietly. 

"That's sorta dark. . ." Marco commented, looking uneasy for you. 

"It's fine." you said, trying to figure out how you were going to alter your story. "Before my parents died and I went to live with my aunt and uncle in Shiganshina, I lived in a very small, very rural town in east Wall Maria. I got really sick, and our doctor thought bloodletting was a valid procedure, so he did that to me to try and get me better. It didn't exactly work the way he wanted, but I did feel somewhat better afterwards." 

"Oh," was all Bertolt said. Most of what you said was true, except for your parents dying. They were still alive and well, eagerly awaiting your return home. The bell rang, signaling the end of dinner. The four of you stood up, picking up your trays and going to put them away. 

"So, I'll see you tomorrow after conditioning then, [First]?" Marco asked you, rubbing the back of his neck. Bertolt's face snapped towards you. 

"What's going on after conditioning?" he inquired. 

"I got double stable duty for a month for breaking Alonso’s nose," you admitted with a small, nervous grin. "Marco and I have overlapping stable duties." 

"Oh, okay." he said. Jean gave him a sleazy grin, clapping him hard on the back. 

"Are you jealous that Kitten's got chores with other guys?" Jean teased him. 

"No! I-I was just wondering of there was some memo I missed." Bertolt explained. You noticed the lightest flush on his face and fought not to smile. _He's too cute when he's embarrassed,_ you thought. 

"Right, sure you are," Jean laughed. He and Marco put their dishes in the dirty plates bin, and went off by themselves, waving good-bye to you and Bertolt. He graciously took your dishes and put them away for you, and you were thankful you didn't have to risk putting your hands in the milky, soapy water. 

"Thank you, Bertl," you told him and the two of you made your way out of the mess hall. 

"Don't mention it, [First]," he said. "I-I actually, I was wondering something. . ." 

"Yeah?" you asked, and you felt odd. Like there were butterflies freaking the fuck out in your tummy. _Is he going to ask me out, or something?_ you wondered. _And if he does what do I say? I don't know if I like him like that. I mean he's a great guy but I don't think I like him like that. But I should give him a try. He'd make a great boyfriend._

"I-I know this is a weird request, but . . . but I was wondering if I could see the scars from when you were bled." he blurted out, words slurring together. Your [e/c] eyes widened in surprise; you weren't expecting this at all. 

"I . . . Uh," you stammered out, unsure of what to do. When you had been sick, you had already become a titan shifter, and you were able to heal seamlessly from the injuries. You did have a few scars on your back from a failed experiment on you, but you weren’t sure if he'd buy it that you'd been bled there. But then suspicion slapped you, and you folded your arms in front of your chest. "Why do you want to see my scars?" 

"I. . . I, er -" 

"Bert, have I won our bet yet?" Reiner joined the two of you, clapping Bertolt hard on the back. You narrowed your eyes. 

"What bet?" you asked dangerously. 

"We were talking about that creepy scarificator and I said I didn't think it'd leave scars, but Bertolt argued it did, so we thought we'd make a bet out of it. If I'm right, Bert has to do my chores. If Bert's right, I do his. And we thought since you've been bled before you can settle this." 

"I have scars from it." you told them. They looked unconvinced. 

"Could we see them, then?" Reiner inquired. 

"Don't you trust me?" you questioned, feigning hurt feelings. 

"No. You're closer to Bert than I am, and it'd be like you to lie to get him to win." he reasoned. 

"Thank you for your trust in me," you rolled your eyes. "All right, fine. You can see my scars to settle this dumb ass bet. But," you stopped them before they could celebrate. "I can't show you now. Meet me after our corps' showering time slot. Once everyone's gone I'll sneak you in and show you guys the scars on my back." 

"You got bled on your back?" Bertolt asked curiously. You shrugged. _I might as well go with it._

"Yeah. It was a weird procedure and I was out for most of it," you lied with a shrug. You knew Reiner wasn't completely convinced, but he nodded and said, "Okay. We'll settle it for sure then." 

*An Hour and a Half Later* 

"[First], put some clothes on." 

"We're in a shower room." 

“You’re done showering.” 

“Oh my God, it’s not like you haven’t seen this before. It’s just a naked body, it’s not anything crazy.” you argued with Annie as you rubbed your [h/c] with your towel. You sighed melodramatically. “Fine, if it bothers you that much, I’ll put my underwear on.” you caved as you slid your panties on. 

“No, it’s not that a naked body bothers me, it’s just that I don’t want your boobs in my face.” Annie said. 

“I’m like five feet away from you! My boobs aren’t _that_ big.” you argued with her. 

“Guys, calm down.” Ymir interjected, standing between you two. “Annie, you’re just gonna have to deal with the fact you’re gonna have naked people sorta close to you while you’re in here. [First], don’t be near Annie when you’re about to change.” – as she walked away, she leaned in ever so slightly towards you, whispering – “I should’ve known The Cat wasn’t one for wearing clothes.” You pulled your shirt on to hide the fact your face had turned red. Just ignore her, a voice in your head told you. _You know she’s only doing that to get under your skin. Just think about something else._ You shortly sighed, then tried to think of something other than Ymir’s creepiness. 

You weren't at all nervous about letting Bertolt and Reiner see the scars on your back. After all, it's not like they had a sinister plan going on, anyway. Bertolt was too meek to do that and you didn't think Reiner was exactly into girls, anyway. Although you could be wrong, you never knew. It occurred to that maybe, just maybe, they were the enemy shifters you had been warned about, but you doubted it. You were starting to suspect Mikasa Ackerman and Eren Yeager of being the other Shifters: Mikasa just too good at this soldier thing and Eren's rage against titans seemed a little over the top and fake to you. But you figured, even if Reiner and Bertolt were the other Shifters, they had no reason to suspect you and even if they did, once they saw you had scars they'd drop you from their suspicions. In any case, you came out on top. 

The scars on your back were from the time your superiors had used you as a guinea pig for the titan shifter serum. It was a failure, they had realized, when they cut your back and you failed to heal the wounds. So they worked hard on an improved serum and tried again. It had worked, but it reacted oddly with the first serum. Instead of having a fifteen-meter class titan form like your comrades had had, yours was a towering fifty meters tall. It wasn’t a bad defect, in all honesty. It got you out of a lot of training since you couldn’t do too much besides crushing enemies and breaking walls, but it was still an uncomfortable feeling to be the odd one out. 

"Kitty Cat, you coming?" Ymir asked, she and Christa waiting at the door for you. You shook your head. 

"No, I still got a few things to do before I go back," you said. 

"All right, we'll see you there." Ymir shrugged, and she and Christa left. You waited a few moments before going to the door and peeking through it. _No sign of Bertl or Reiner. Maybe they're around the corner._ You left the building, walking around the corner. _Did I call it, or what?_ you thought smugly at seeing Reiner and Bertolt leaning against the wall of the shower house. You motioned to them, beckoning them forward. You checked one more time that the coast was clear, and then the three of you slipped inside. 

“You know, I was expecting something a little different,” Reiner said as you shut the door behind you. “This looks just like the boys’ showers.” 

“Not to be sexist, but ours is probably cleaner.” you commented. 

“You’d be surprised, actually. Bertolt, calm down, you look like you’re going to have a panic attack, or something.” Reiner added to his friend. Bertolt was visibly sweating more than usual, and he looked like he was blushing a little. 

“I-I’m just worried we’re going to get caught.” he mumbled, eyes cast down to the floor. 

“You’re not, but, to make this quick.” you turned your back to them and hiked up the back of your shirt for them to see the three scars going diagonally down your back. “There. Your stupid bet is settled. I have scars.” 

“Well shit, I guess I was wrong,” Reiner muttered. You let your shirt fall back into place, turning back to them. “It looks like I’m doing your chores for the week, Bert.” 

“I swear, you two are idiots. What kind of bet is this? Who even _bets_ about this sort of thing?” you asked them, grabbing your things and the three of you sneaking out of the building. 

“All right, you caught us,” Reiner said, throwing his hands in the air in defeat. “We really didn’t make a bet about medical devices.” You glared at the two, anger flaring in you because they lied to you and wasted your time. 

“Then why the fuck did you ask to see my scars?” you demanded angrily. Reiner looked completely unabashed, but at least Bertolt had the decency to look ashamed, and what looked like a hint of alarm. 

“Bertolt’s got a thing for you and I thought I’d try and get him to see a bit of your skin.” Your face turned tomato red, matching Bertolt’s as he waved his arms in denial, clearly flustered. 

_“No,_ that is _not_ why we asked!” he defended himself, sweat practically pouring off his body. 

“Don’t deny it, buddy. We’ve been found out.” Reiner turned himself in. “I’m sorry for lying to you, [First], but I figured you’d say no if I told you what was really going on you’d say no.” 

“Damn right I’d say no!” you snapped at them. “I can’t believe you lied to me! Both of you! Especially _you,_ Bertolt!” – you turned your fury onto him – “I can’t believe you’d go along with this sort of crap!” 

“I-I-I,” he stammered, before taking in a shaky breath to try and steady himself. “I’m sorry, [First]. It’ll never happen again, I promise. But I also want to say that –”

“Honestly, if you wanted anything you could have just fucking asked me.” you cut him off quietly, folding your arms in front of you chest and hunching your shoulders forward. He finally steadied himself, but he looked anything but calm. He stared at you, surprised and a pink flush painting his cheeks.

“Whoa, didn’t know you had a thing for him too,” Reiner said mischievously.

“I don’t, I’m just saying showing off my back isn’t a big deal. It’s not intimate, or anything.” you shrugged. 

“I-I don’t like you like that, for the record,” Bertolt piped up. “Reiner’s just making things up again.” You felt a twinge of annoyance at his irrelevant comment, and although you wouldn’t admit it, a bit of a hollow feeling.

“Stop lying even more to her, she’s gonna get more pissed off.” Reiner objected, throwing his arm your way. 

“I’m just clarifying -”

“I honestly couldn’t care less,” you told them, putting a hand to your forehead. If it was possible, you were getting a headache from their stupidity. “Whatever reasons you had, I don’t care. You can just ask me whatever. I don’t want you two lying to me. Or wasting my time.”

“Right, we’ve learned our lesson, [First]!” Bertolt said quickly, grabbing Reiner’s arm and looking nervous again. “We’re just going to get out of your hair and leave you be. We’re really sorry about this whole thing!” 

“Whatever,” you shrugged, turning to go to your dorm building. “See you two tomorrow.”

“Good night!” Reiner waved to you cheerfully, but you paid no heed to him. Bertolt squeezed his arm. 

“Why did you have to do that?!” he asked his friend desperately. 

“She caught on, I had to think of something else, and that just seemed plausible.” Reiner said. “And besides, I thought I might as well and try my hand at matchmaker since you like her.” 

“I do _not_ like her!” Bertolt’s face once again flared with color, making Reiner smirk. “We aren’t supposed to get close to anyone,” he added in a low tone. “Even if I was interested, I am not risking our cover.”

“She already knows too much, Bert.” Reiner pointed out just as quietly. “She knows we were in Shiganshina that day. If she were to ask Eren or Armin about us, she’d know something was up. And we can’t be loners for the rest of our time here. That’s suspicious in itself. And getting involved isn’t going to blow our covers at all.” 

“What, do you think we should get her more involved since she already knows something?!” Bertolt asked in a fury. 

“No! I’m just saying that we might as well try to make some friends here since it’s going to look weird if we don’t, and you might as well go for it.” Bertolt’s eyes widened, and grabbed Reiner’s shoulder, staring intensely at his best friend. 

“Have you lost your mind?!” he hissed. “Do you have any idea how that’s going to affect us in the future?!” 

“I know, but we’re warriors. We’re doing what’s best, and that should overcome whatever feelings we have,” Reiner pointed out. “Now, let’s go back to our dorm. The others are probably wondering where we are.” Bertolt glared at him for a fraction of second, before letting go and following his blond friend back to their dorm. Relief and disappointment fluctuated inside of him. He was glad you weren’t mixed up in the awful life that came with being a titan shifter, but at the same time he was disappointed because if you were, then he may have had a chance of having someone besides Reiner and Annie that knew how he felt and could empathize with him. He wasn’t sure what he felt more of, but one thing was for certain: he wasn’t going to get the image of your naked back out of his mind for a very long time.


	7. Chapter 7

You sat on the edge of the lake near the training camp, not too far away from the abandoned building where you had been hazed. Your knees were drawn to your chest as you waited for one of your superiors to show up. Nerves were starting to build in your stomach. It was the end of your first month being an infiltrator in the military, and it was time to meet up with your superiors from back home. A few had made it inside the Wall right before you started in the military, and you had agreed that on the last day of every month, you would sneak away to the lake in order to meet with them and discuss how the mission was going. So far, the man you were meeting was two hours late.

_Maybe he got caught,_ you wondered, looking up at the moonlit sky. _Maybe he’s been arrested and isn’t coming. Or maybe he just forgot._ You sighed. _I should just go back to my dorm and sleep. It’s been two hours; there’s no way he’s coming. If he was, he’d have been on time._ You threw a rock angrily into the lake, getting to your feet and brushing the dust from your pants. _I can’t believe I made the trip out here for nothing. He better show next month or I swear I’ll –_

“[First]? What’re you doing out here?” You gave a little shriek and turned to look at the cadet that had found you. 

“Ymir? What’re you doing out here?” you returned the question, folding your arms in front of your chest. 

“I noticed you were missing and I thought I’d see where you went.” she answered you. You snorted. 

“That’s bullshit and we both know it. Seriously, why are you here?” you asked again. 

“Answer me and I’ll answer you,” she told you, and you rolled your eyes in irritation. 

“Fine. I just wanted to get out of the dorm for a bit. It’s too stuffy in there, I swear.” you lied. She seemed to believe you, as she nodded. 

“It is. I noticed you sneaking out and thought I’d follow you. I got bored of waiting for something to happen, and you looked like you were leaving, so I thought I’d let my presence be known.” she said as your [e/c] eyes glared at her. _I can’t believe I didn’t realize I was being tailed the entire time! God, I’m an idiot!_ you scolded yourself. “So, why _were_ you here?” 

“I just needed to get out for a bit,” you lied again. Ymir gave you a look that clearly showed her disbelief in you. 

“That’s funny, because it looked like you were waiting for someone,” she sauntered closer to you, circling you like a shark. “Like you were waiting for someone in your old gang.” 

“It was hardly a gang, and I left them behind when I joined the military,” you informed her forcefully. She smirked. 

“But you were so _close_ to all of those boys. I don’t believe you just gave it all up to become some sucky soldier in the army.” she accused you. You sharply exhaled. 

“I’m not a criminal anymore, Ymir. I’m cared for now. I don’t have to resort to pick pocketing and that crap anymore.” you said. 

“You mean pick pocketing _and_ manipulation,” she corrected you. “Honestly, how many of those store raids did you even go on? Probably next to none. You sat in your lair, sitting pretty and chucking knives at whoever threatened your leadership or pissed you off while your boys went and stole food for you.” 

“I regret the resorting to violence and mind games, but I did what I had to do to survive.” you growled at her. “And if I recall correctly, my boys and I assisted you every so often.” 

“And if I recall correctly, you double crossed me and stole behind my back,” Ymir retorted. “How _is_ your ankle, by the way?” You pushed on her shoulder, trudging past her and into the forest to return to your dorm. 

“Go to hell, Ymir.” you snarled as she hurried to keep up with you. 

“You’ll be following me there.” she reminded you. “Kitten, I don’t think God favors girls who make boys do things for her like a cat makes their owners bow to their every whim.” 

“You promised me you’d stop calling me that!” you hissed. She shrugged. 

“I said nothing about calling you Kitten, remember? And besides, everyone calls you that now anyway. It’d be weird of me to not call you Kitten.” she pointed out. You rolled your eyes yet again. 

“I am so done with your shit, Ymir,” you told her, eyes flaring. “What’s the point of tormenting me? Yeah, I tried taking some food from you. But you injured my ankle and gave me some nasty cuts, I think we’re even now.” you told her. 

“What, are you wanting a truce, or something?” she asked incredulously. 

“I just want you to leave me the fuck alone.” you clarified. “Seriously. There’s no point in acting like this.” It was her turn to roll her eyes. 

“Do you really not know why I tease you?” she asked as if you were an idiot. You glared at her. 

“Because you’re a bitch?” you shot at her. 

“That’s a valid statement, but no. I tease you because you get riled up so fast. It’s hilarious.” You were a blur of color as you grabbed Ymir and pinned her to a tree, eyes alight with hell-fire.

“You better shut the fuck up and leave me alone. I am done with you, Ymir.” you told her, and she smirked. 

“See what I mean? You have a hair-trigger temper, Kitten. Honestly, although it does great things for me, it’s an ill-suited trait for a titan shifter.” You froze as panic crashed into your body. 

Fighting hard to keep a poker face, you replied, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

“Don’t play dumb with me, [First].” she demanded. “I know what you are. I don’t know why you’re here, but I can make a good guess. I watched you after I gave you those wounds. I saw those cuts I gave you heal faster than a normal human’s wounds heal. Now, I’m not saying I’d turn you in for not putting up with my teasing. God no, that’s unfair retribution right there. However, I just want you to be aware I know your little secret.” You begrudgingly let her go, and she looked at you with a smug, victorious look on her face. 

“What do you want from me?” you asked. You knew Ymir well enough to know she was going for black mail. 

“Not much at the moment. But be on your toes, because who knows when I’ll need your help. Or else there could be some consequences.” she snickered, a malicious glint in her eyes. You don’t know what keyed you in, but at that moment you realized something crucial: _the citizens inside the Walls don’t know about titan shifters._

“If you turn me in, I turn you in.” you prayed to every deity you knew of that your quick assumption of Ymir was correction. “This society knows nothing about titan shifters. You’d have to be one in order to recognize that I’m one too.” Ymir’s face quickly fell into dumbfounded shock. 

“I-I, you’re crazy, Kitten, you’ve truly gone crazy.” she told you, trying to cover her shock. 

“So, you’re one too?” you asked, putting your hands on your hips as a smug smile graced your lips. You knew this taunting was a risky move; after all, chances were she was the enemy you had been warned about. “I should’ve known you were one too, Ymir.” She sighed, and then smirked at you. 

“All right, I shouldn’t have underestimated your intelligence. After all, you did keep a successful gang running for two years by using only your knives, looks, and manipulation.” she admitted. 

“It’s about time you stopped doing that,” you said. “Listen, since we’re probably working for the same goal, how about we help each other out?” 

“Excuse me?” she questioned, her voice dangerous. 

“I have no partners. They were all killed. I can’t do this alone, Ymir. I know you hate me, and you know I hate you, but how about we team up? Two heads are better than one, and besides, we’re both determined bitches. I’m sure we could accomplish great things together with little effort.” you propositioned in your quickly thought-up idea. Of course, you planned on killing her after your goal was completed. You knew she’d kill you first afterwards if she had the chance. You needed to strike before she could do that. 

“I doubt we’re after the same thing, Kitten,” she scoffed, folding her arms in front of her chest. 

“If we’re not, then why not share our business?” you revised. Ymir was not someone you needed as an enemy, and although the chances were slim, you knew she’d be a useful, albeit irritating, ally. “I help you, and you help me.” 

“Do you honestly think we can be teammates?” she scoffed. 

“We were from time to time, remember? Sure, we never worked that well with each other, but given your loner behavior, you don’t have any partners either, Ymir. I’ll give you time to think about it, but just realize that even badasses like us need help from time to time.” you finished, and she snorted. 

“Says the girl that got stuck between gate railings once during a raid and refused to let me help until I finally had to drag you out, all the while you kicking and screaming, ‘I’m fine, Ymir, stop it, I can do this by myself!’” Her imitation of you was rather spot on, and you genuinely laughed at it. 

“I had forgotten about that raid. Wasn’t that the raid where we stole that moldy cheese and we all tried it and hated it and then gave it away to that family that ran the trinket shop?” you reminisced, almost eager-sounding to talk about the past. You disliked Ymir, but there was something comforting in talking about the days when you were queen. 

“And they just stared us like we were lunatics.” Ymir finished, a small smile on her face. “That was quite the raid.” 

“Yeah, it was. I wish I had gone on more. There was something exhilarating in raiding stores for food to give to our fellow street urchins.” you recalled wistfully as you two approached your dorm. Although you felt oddly comforted by talking about the old days, the nerves in your stomach persisted. _Stories about the old days aren’t going to eliminate the threat that Ymir is to me,_ you had to remind yourself as you climbed into bed. _Now that she knows my secret, I just have to be more on my toes with her. I am not risking ANYTHING. I need to save everyone, and I won’t let anyone get in my way._

*The Next Day* 

You yawned as you sat on a bale of hay, your lack of sleep catching up with you fast. The day was warm and pleasant, and you wanted nothing more than to sleep. _I’m alone; maybe I could take a little snooze. Surely Marco will wake me up when he gets here,_ you thought, leaning against a wooden support beam and closing your eyes. 

“Tired, [First]?” you groaned at the voice and groggily opened your eyes. Marco stood in front of you, smiling. You sat up, yawning once more. 

“Yeah, I didn’t really sleep last night.” you admitted, stretching your body. You and Marco had grown a lot closer to each other since the hazing two weeks ago, and you loved having stable duties with him; besides Bertolt and Reiner, you considered him one of your closest friends. 

“I could do all of this and you could get some rest. You need your sleep.” Marco offered, but you waved away his words. 

“No, I need to do this. If Shadis or someone found me napping I’d be in even more trouble.” you told him, standing up. “Is it just us today?” 

“Um, actually I was also assigned to help you guys.” you both turned and saw Bertolt standing in the entrance of the stable, looking as nervous and sweaty as usual. You looked to the ground, a grin finding its way onto your face. You liked spending time with him and the thought of spending a little more time with him made you fill with joy. 

"That's great! We always need more help, right, [First]?" Marco said cheerfully, putting a hand on your back. You looked up, smiling fully and nodding. _Time with Bertl and less work for me. Hell yeah._

"Of course! The more, the merrier. Even if it involves cleaning up horse shit," you added sardonically, eyeing the temporarily empty stalls with disgust. The older cadets were out on a riding lesson today, and you were thankful you could work in the stalls without feeling cramped by the large animals. 

"I'm sure it won't be that bad!" Marco said. "With the three of us, we can finish this early and then go have some free time!" 

"Now _that_ sounds very enjoyable." you said with a grin. Pushing open one of the stall doors, you began your punishment. 

"[First], I noticed you and Ymir were a lot nicer to each other this morning at breakfast. Had you two been in a fight beforehand?" Marco asked from the next stall over. 

"Yeah, sorta. We knew each other prior to enrolling and we never really cared for each other. But we decided yesterday to put our differences aside and stop tormenting each other." you said, unsure of whether you were truly completely lying to Marco or not. Last night had signaled a change in yours and Ymir’s relationship, and while she had been considerably kinder to you this morning, you were still unsure of where you both stood exactly. 

"I'm happy to hear that. She always seemed like she was out to get you." Bertolt piped up from across the way. 

"Yeah, she was. But we're good now," _Not really, but hey, at least she’s not as awful as she used to be. At least, she hasn’t turned back to being a complete bitch again._

"Hey Kitten, do you have a broom over there that I can use?" Marco inquired, and you handed him yours as you picked up a shovel. "Thanks!" 

"No problem," you replied. You shoveled excrement into a bucket, wrinkling your nose at the disgusting smell. _Why couldn't I have gotten kitchen duty? That would have been so much better._

_You broke some asshole's nose, that's why you had to get a sucky punishment. It makes sense,_ the voice in your head told you. You shrugged and continued working, humming an old lullaby your mother used to sing to you. Homesickness was started to get to you, and you were eager for graduation to come so you could break the walls down already and go home. Two years had passed, and already you could feel the vocabulary of your native tongue slipping away. You spoke as much as you could in it when you were alone, but you still found yourself pausing every so often when a word had slipped your mind and you desperately tried to remember the lost word. Your home was slipping away from you, and you wanted nothing more than to just go home and be with your family once again. 

"What are you humming, [First]?" Bertolt asked. 

"An old lullaby that my mom used to sing to me when I was very little," you answered him, almost wistfully. 

"Do you miss your home?" he questioned you gently. 

"Yeah. I mean, yeah, I'm working to accomplish great things, but if it were possible to go home, I would take it. At least for a day." 

"That's right, you're from Shiganshina?" Marco interrupted, joining the conversation. Bertolt glanced at the other boy darkly. 

"Mmhm." you replied. 

"Did you know Eren, Mikasa, and Armin when you lived there?" Marco asked. 

"No. They lived a ways from me. My house was right by the gate. From my understanding they were in the middle of town," you said. 

“Oh, okay.” Marco said with a nod. 

“Yeah. So, Marco, you’re aiming for the Military Police, aren’t you?” you changed the subject away from you. 

“Yeah! Are you going for it too?” he asked eagerly, looking at you from over the stall wall with his bright brown eyes. You grinned and shrugged. 

“I dunno. A cushy life in Wall Sina would be nice, but I don’t know whether or not I’ll make top ten at this rate.” you admitted. You knew competition was going to be tough, and you knew if you were to graduate right now, you’d be nowhere near the top ten. And besides, you were unsure of what position you’d have to take in order to take down humanity. Right now, you were stuck between the Military Police, where you could take down Wall Sina in a surprise attack, or the Garrison, where you could demolish Wall Rose and then work your way to the center. 

“Well, we’ve got a long time to improve.” Marco pointed out. _Always the optimist,_ you thought lovingly as you joined him by the wall, your fingers wrapping around the top of the wall and you stood on a crate. “And hey, if not, I could always take you into Wall Sina as my wife!” You giggled at the thought of being married to Marco, your cheeks turning a slight pink. He wouldn’t be a bad husband, but you were sure you just couldn’t be with someone like him. He joined you in laughing, and you failed to notice the dark look on Bertolt’s face.

“Mrs. [First] Bott. Hmm . . .” you pretended to contemplate it. “You know, it’s got a ring to it. Preferably a very expensive and very shiny one.” you added with a sharp look to him, and the two of you burst into more giggles. He grabbed your hand, kissing the back of it. 

“Anything for my lovely wife-to-be,” he joked, and the two of you laughed even harder. The loud sound of wood against stone hit your ears, and you looked to see Bertolt looking downright scary and his broom on the ground. 

“You all right, Bertl?” you questioned him, raising an eyebrow. He didn’t even turn to look at you.

“I’m fine.” he replied tersely, bending over and picking up the fallen broom. You raised an eyebrow at him. _Is he_ jealous, _or something?_ you thought incredulously, moving away from Marco and returning to your work. You picked up your shovel and continued shoveling horse manure into the bucket. 

_He’s probably just mad because Marco got in between your conversation,_ your sense told you. 

_I guess,_ you internally shrugged. _I’d pick up the conversation and ask him about his home, but he’s so fucking against me talking about Shiganshina. And I thought I was hit hard by that day. God knows what he lost._ You forced the shovel too hard into the corner of the stall, knocking a piece of the baseboard loose. _SHIT! Oh, DAMN IT, I’m going to be hung for this!_ You hurriedly scraped the area clean and lowered yourself, the backs of your calves supporting your thighs. You grabbed the small broken piece of wood, trying to figure out how to secure it back on the wall. There wasn’t any wall to attach it to, so to speak. The area behind the baseboard was dark with space. And that’s when you noticed the note, lying in the small space. 

_What?_ You reached out, your fingers grabbing the paper and pulling it out. You looked over your shoulder. Bertolt wasn’t paying any attention to you, and a quick check upwards showed Marco wasn’t anywhere near you. You carefully unfolded the note as to not make a sound. _Who would hide a note in here?_ you wondered as you glanced over the note. Your [e/c] widened as you saw the script, although unfamiliar, was written in your native tongue. _What? Why would one of my people hide a note in here? There’s no way to guarantee I’d ever find it,_ you said, hunching over a little more and reading the note. 

You are not safe. They are onto us. Get out while you can. Abandon the mission. 

_“Abandon the mission?”_ you thought, squinting at it, as if to make sure you had read it correctly. _I can’t abandon the mission! Then everyone here will get –_

“[First]?” your name was hot on your neck, and you screamed, falling over into some hay while clutching the note close to your chest. You heard Marco laughing faintly from the other stall. 

“I-I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. I just saw you hunched over and wanted to see what was up,” Bertolt apologized. 

“It’s fine. I’m fine. Everything’s fine,” you told him, nerves building a mansion in your stomach. 

“What’s that note?” he asked, a long finger pointing at the scrap of paper clutched to your chest. 

“It’s nothing!” you said quickly. He raised an eyebrow at you. _Oh God, he didn’t see it, did he?_

_Even if he did, he can’t read it. He’d just be confused, or something,_ your sense reminded you, but it didn’t calm you down. 

“It’s not ‘nothing’ by the way you’re holding onto it,” he pointed out. You gave him a small glare, getting to your feet and shoving the note into your bra. 

“Okay, it’s not ‘nothing,’ but it’s none of your business what it is.” you told him darkly, picking up your shoveling and turning your back to him. 

“I-Is it a love letter?” you heard him ask nervously, and your cheeks flared with color in response. 

“Don’t be stupid, Bertolt, who would be sending me love letters?” you snapped at him. 

“I might, considering you’re my future wife,” Marco joked from his stall. 

“Get out, Marco!” you told him, and you could hear him chuckle. “And no one’s sending me love letters, Bertl. You don’t have to worry about that.” 

“I’m not worried about that!” he piped up defensively. “I was just trying to figure out what you had in your hands.” 

“It’s a letter from one of my friends who didn’t enlist, all right? It’s not a big deal,” you told him. 

“I wasn’t accusing you of anything, [First], I was just curious.” he said, and you could tell he wanted to add something, but he held his tongue. 

“Whatever,” you tried to dismiss the whole thing, turning back to your work. All you wanted to do was be quiet and weigh your options now that you had some new knowledge. You felt his hand on your shoulder, and with a sigh, you pivoted back to face him. 

“Look, I’m sorry if it came out wrong. I was just worried about you.” he said, his voice very controlled, very kind and very patient. You figured he felt done with your temper, and a flash of guilt struck you.

“It’s okay, I’m sorry I freaked out at you over nothing.” it was your turn to apologize. 

“I forgive you,” he said, and you stared up at him, a nervous smile on your face. You were unsure of what to do now that you made up. Your arms wrapped around his waist in a quick hug, and you let go as he realized what you were doing and made to pull you into a hug. Chuckling, you put your arms back around him, squeezing him. 

“I’m glad you two are making up, but we still have a lot of work to do,” Marco’s voice floated in the air, and you made a low, annoyed growl. 

“Stop it Marco, you’re killing the moment,” you told him, burying your face into Bertolt’s chest, feeling his rapid heartbeat through his uniform. It felt good to be held so lovingly by something in your current state, with you feeling sick from the contents of the note and the weird, fluttering feeling that resided in your stomach and heart. 

_How can I abandon the mission? I can’t do that, then everyone here will suffer a fate worse than death. I can’t let that happen. I don’t want to die, but I need to try and save everyone. I’m a hero, and that’s what heroes do. They’re selfless and never give up. My life may be on the line, but I need to save everyone. I need to stay with the mission, no matter what. Even if it means my demise in the end, I will save everyone._


	8. Chapter 8

The wind whipped your hair as you and Bertolt flew side by side, seeking out the rest of your squad. The four of you had split into two groups during this simulated search and rescue mission in the forest, but after an hour of searching for your target and Annie and Reiner, you came to the conclusion you were both utterly lost.

"Do you see them?!" Bertolt shouted to you from his spot a few meters below you. 

"No, I haven't seen them or anyone or anything since we saw that fake titan an hour ago!" you shouted down at him as you bobbed up and down through the tops of the trees. It was eerily quiet, the only sounds filling the air being wind brushing the leaves and the racket from your maneuver gear. You gritted your teeth as you tried to poke your head above the canopy, trying to see where you two were. _Damn it! I can't fucking see a thing! I can't get above the tree tops like this!_

"Bertl, stop for a moment!" you called to him. As if on natural instinct, he switched his direction to join you so fast it made your head hurt to watch. 

"Are you okay?!" he asked urgently as you touched down on a thick tree branch. He found a branch to stand on not too far away from you, his face a picture of concern. 

"Yeah, I'm fine," you reassured him. "I just needed to stop so I can try and get above the trees to see where we are." 

"T-that sounds a little risky, [First]," Bertolt told you nervously, but you brushed him off. 

"What, you want us to stay lost in the forest all night? Hell no, it looks like it's near dinner time, and I'm not missing a meal." you declared. Before he could try and talk you out of it, you stepped back, falling off the branch, your face staring up determinedly at the blanket of green above you. You heard Bertolt scream your name, and as you engaged your gear, getting a good angle to launch yourself vertically into the sky, he fell too, flying towards you. 

"Get away I'm trying to-" the collision of your bodies knocked the air out of you. His lean arms grasped your waist, threatening to squeeze your lungs out of your mouth. Both of your cables fought against you two, pulling your sweaty bodies close to the point you thought you were going to merge with him. 

"Disengage! I got you!" Bertolt screamed at you, his scarily determined face fixed on you. You glared right back. 

"You disengage! I still-" 

"Are you seriously going to fight me on this?!" he asked angrily. "Just disengage!" _Fine,_ you thought as you gave him a dirty look and did as he said. You both swung before descending a little more, and then you felt a small bump as he landed gracefully onto the ground. He let go of you, and you got off him. 

"What the hell was that?!" he yelled at you, holding you at arms length, an enraged fire in his usually kind green eyes. 

"I should ask _you_ that!" you shouted back, pointing an accusing finger at him. "I had a clear shot at breaking through the canopy and you ruined it!" 

"You should have told me what you were doing! I saw you falling and a lack of reacting, so I figured something was wrong!" he scolded you. 

"You should have just trusted I was doing something important and backed off!" you shouted at him. 

"Why should I trust your judgment?!" he asked in exasperation. "You've nearly killed yourself in gear practice from overestimating your abilities, in our hazing six months ago you stuck your arms in that disgusting bathtub and then got sick from it-" 

"I didn't get sick from that water!" you defended yourself indignantly. 

"What else could you have gotten sick from? You didn't get it from any of us, we were all healthy!" he argued. "The point is your judgment is terrible and I-I was . . . you need to tell me when you're about to do something!" he added hurriedly. You sharply exhaled, looking at his face. The anger was still present, but you could see undertones of worry in him. _He was just worried you were in trouble, calm down,_ the rational part of your mind told you. 

_He still should have trusted me,_ you replied bitterly. 

"Fine." you said sharply, turning away from him. "I'm walking a few feet away to get under that hole in the canopy." - you said as you sauntered away from him - "I'm bending back so my gear can get a good angle to deploy. I'm pressing my triggers and leaving. I'm flying through the air!" you shouted at him, turning your head to face the very displeased Bertolt. You rode your cables as long as you could before retracting them. Your momentum kept you going, and you were able to poke through the hole in the tree tops. Your head turned in all directions frantically, [e/c] eyes searching desperately for the training academy. It looked like you two were on the edge of the forest, and the training camp was on the other side of you two. _Damn it! We've got a long way to go in order to get back, and I'm almost out of gas!_ you gritted your teeth as you let yourself free fall for a bit until you used your gear to slow yourself. "Camp is that way. We've got a long trail ahead of us," you informed him, pointing to where your fellow cadets were. He sighed. 

"I'm nearly out of fuel. What about you?" 

"Let's start walking," you told him gravely, and you two started your trek back to camp. "Thanks for trying to save me back there, I guess. I appreciate the thought." 

"Do you really think I'd just let you fall several meters to the ground?" he asked. 

"I dunno. As I said, I just thought you’d trust that I knew what I was doing.” you shrugged. 

“We’re not on the same wavelength, [First],” he said, his voice having a bitter edge to it. “As much as you like to think it, we’re nothing alike.” 

“We do so have similarities!” you shot back at him. “We’re both dedicated to our friends, we both are good at hand to hand combat, we both love milk, and I’m sure there’s a lot more things I’m forgetting about.” 

“You may have a point but we have more differences than we do similarities. You’re out there and loud, and I’m introverted and quiet. You act without thinking, and I always think things out before I do anything.” As he went on, you got the feeling like he was trying far too hard to try and make his point. You had never seen him talk so passionately before, and it made something inside you stir. _Who is he trying to convince?_ you wondered as he rambled on. “ . . . not too mention we come from two completely different backgrounds.”

“Does it matter if we’re so different?” you asked him quietly. “I mean, we get along really well for the most part, and don’t they say opposites attract anyway?” 

“Isn’t that only used in a romantic context?” he posed the question. 

“Well, I suppose most of the time it is, but I don’t see why I can’t use it to describe us platonically.” you shrugged. 

“Because it’s inapropriate, for both platonic and romantic contexts. We should be focusing on becoming better soldiers, not making friends or finding love.” he said. 

“If we don’t build friendships, how will we expect to have a drive to save our comrades during battle?” you asked. “We can’t all be like you and go out of our way to save strangers. And while I feel like a relationship could possibly be emotionally compromising, most of us will live very short lives. Only ten get to go to the Military Police, and the Garrison’s not as safe as it used to be. After all, it’s only a matter of time until a colossal-type titan comes and breaks Wall Rose.” 

“D-do you really think that’ll happen? And that’s there’s more colossal-types out there?” he asked you nervously. You nodded sharply. 

“What are the chances of there being only one colossal-type? Extremely low. Either the one that broke Wall Maria will come back for Wall Rose, or another will try and wipe out the rest of us.” you told him while your sense screamed at you to stop. _Oh, come on, he’s not going to catch on,_ you told yourself. “But, what I’m getting at is, none of us are safe. Almost all of us will die young, and I think that we should live life to the fullest, you know? So I think while a relationship has the chance of being detrimental in battle, overall it’d be worth it since most of us won’t have the chance to settle down and have kids and all of that. We might as well get love while we can.” Silence fell between you two as Bertolt seemed to mull your words over. 

“[First], I think you make some valid points. But I think we need to keep our heads clear and as less attached as we possibly can. That would make dealing with death a lot easier.” he said quietly. 

“We’re all going to die eventually. “We’ll all have to deal with it. Do you want to live the rest of your life as a loner, Bertl?” you asked, disliking the swirling nausea that resided in your stomach. His words stung you, his reluctance to get close to anyone. 

“No, but I just . . . I don’t know what I would do if anyone I’m close to died.” he admitted, looking almost shell-shocked, as if he was remembering the death of a loved one. “[First], I . . . when you fell off of that branch, I was scared. The thought of the worst happening to you overcame me, and I panicked and went to save you.” 

“You were _scared?”_ you asked him incredulously. 

“Well, yeah,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck. “I mean, we _are_ friends, after all.” 

“I know, I just didn’t think you’d be scared about it, or anything,” you admitted. 

“You may be reckless, and stubborn, but I have a lot invested in you,” he said, looking away to find the light pink flush creeping onto his face. You smiled widely at him, your heart fluttering. You punched his arm playfully, making him yelp in surprise. 

“I have a lot invested in you too, Bertl.” you told him. _I . . . I think I’m falling for you._ “We’re going to make the best pair ever once - ” 

“I-I don’t think we should go that route!” the words spewed from his mouth in tones of nervousness and reluctance. “It’s makes more logical sense if we stay friends, - ” 

“Oh my God, I wasn’t talking about us like that!” you interrupted him, a red flush on your cheeks as your stomach fell to the ground. “I was saying we were going to make a great pair once we join the Military Police and fight crime together. But, if you’re so opposed to being with me . . .” you looked away from him, your arms folded against your chest. Your throat started to hurt, like it always did before you started crying. 

“No! I-I’m sorry, [First], I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions!” he apologize hurriedly, his upset facial expressions being missed entirely by you. “And I’m not . . . it’s not being with _you_ that’d I be opposed to, if our friendship were to go down that road. It’s being in a relationship I’m opposed to. I-I just don’t think it’s a good idea in our situation. Even if opposites attract, like you said earlier, it’s just too dangerous to be romantic with anyone.” 

You opened your mouth to protest, but your sense told you to shut up for a moment. _Listen to him, he has sense. You realize with the mission, he’s going to be dead once you’re all graduated. Unless you wan to kidnap him and take him home, which there’s no way he’d love you after that. He’s got a good head on his shoulders. He knows what he’s talking about,_ your sense told you. You pursed your lips, exhaling slowly.

“I guess you have a point. We live in a dangerous time. Romance may be a distraction.” you mused quietly, eyes locked on the ground. You missed his look of surprise that you weren’t fighting him on it, and then a look of hurt, as if he wanted you to argue with him. 

“Yeah,” he replied weakly. “It . . . it really is. But, [First],” he continued, and you finally looked back at him. His features were softened, and he was sweating more than usual. “I-If I was . . . If there was anyone I’d risk everything for, I . . . it would be you.” The butterflies in your stomach got worked up again, and you couldn’t help the wide smile fighting its way onto your face.

“I’d risk it all for you too, Bertl.” you replied, and daringly, you reached for his hand, your fingers melting into the spaces between his fingers. He didn’t pull away at first like you were half-expecting him to; he squeezed your hand ever so slightly, and then released you. 

“[F-First], w-we shouldn’t do this. Not now. I can’t afford – we can’t afford to have our heads in our hearts right now,” he said, his voice shaking. “But . . . but once we join the Military Police and we’re safe, maybe then, we can start something.” It would be a lie to say you didn’t feel a little disappointed, but it wasn’t like there was anything you could do to get him to start something now. You didn’t want to push him; after all, he would be well worth the wait. Your plans for your mission began to change dramatically as you smiled back at him, your [e/c] eyes staring lovingly into his own green ones. 

“I’m going to be impatient about it, but I think it won’t _kill_ me to wait that long,” you told him, putting your arm around his waist. He hesitated, but then put his arm around your shoulders. The two of you walked back to camp, close together and eager for the future – even if you both knew that the future would also bring death and destruction.


	9. Chapter 9

“It’s okay, Christa, we got you, I got you.” Ymir crooned, carrying Christa bridal-style to the infirmary. Your hand rested gently on the petite girl’s shoulder, rubbing your thumb against her shoulder in a show of sympathy. Near the end of sparring practice, Christa’s partner had hit her a little too hard in the head and had really hurt her. “I’m going to murder the bastard who did this to you.”

“Ymir, don’t kill people. It won’t accomplish anything.” Christa replied weakly, and you tried to forget that she said that. 

“Bullshit, that asshole deserves it.” Ymir scoffed. She nodded a ‘thank you’ to you as you opened the infirmary door for her, letting you three inside. The two nurses were sitting by the desk, sterilizing syringes with one of the cadets who had volunteered to help them out. You recognized her as Rose, one of the trainees from the one hundred and third that had hazed you and your friends. 

“What did you do now, Kitten?” she asked exasperatedly, looking at Christa as one of the nurses went to help Ymir put Christa on one of the beds. 

“It wasn’t me this time!” you threw your hands up as you told her. “Christa was sparring with some guy and he hit her too hard. Trust me, I wouldn’t be standing here right now if I had hit Christa.” 

“Damn straight.” Ymir interjected, and Rose shrugged, looking at a clipboard on the desk. 

“I’ll take your word for it. Hey, guys,” she called over to the nurses, who were cleaning Christa’s wound as Ymir held her hand. “We’re missing a syringe; do you have one over there that we missed?” 

“No, those are all the syringes we have, unless you left one in the abandoned building when you hazed the one hundred and fourth,” one of them replied. 

“Damn. I was sure we got them all. Yeah, I guess one’s still there. I can go get it,” she offered. 

“No, Rose. Come over here and help us with Cadet Lenz.” the other said. 

“I could go to the building and bring back syringes and other devices you may have left there,” you suggested with a shrug. It wasn’t like you had anything better to do, anyway. 

“Would you?” A nurse asked, prepping Christa for stitches. “Also, if you could bring back those old gurneys, that would be great. Our new ones collapse under ninety pounds and we need the old ones that we know can support a ton of weight.” 

“Yeah, of course. I’ll be back.” you nodded, and left the infirmary. Reiner and Bertolt were hanging outside of the building, Reiner looking nervous. 

“Is Christa okay?” he asked. 

“She’s getting stitches right now. But other than that, I think she’s fine.” you answered. “Ymir’s with her right now, and I doubt she’ll let you two near Christa right now. She reluctantly let me come with, and that’s only ‘cause Christa insisted I come too.” 

“So, why aren’t you inside with her?” Bertolt asked. 

“Apparently some of the cadets that hazed us forget medical supplies in the abandoned building, and the nurses just realized it so I volunteered to go back and get it for them.” you answered. 

“What, you’re going alone?” Bertolt asked. 

“Yeah.” you said. 

“I’d come with you, [First], but honestly that place scared the crap out of me and I have no intention of returning whatsoever.” Reiner said bluntly. “But I’m sure Bertolt would love to go with you.” 

“I-I-I, well, yeah, I guess I can go with [First].” Bertolt said nervously, rubbing the back of his neck, looking thoroughly uncomfortable. What’s gotten into him? you wondered. “A-are you sure you’ll be fine on your own, Reiner?” 

“What? Yeah, of course I’ll be fine,” he waved his friend’s worries away. He gave Bertolt an odd look, as if he was confused on his friend’s question. “I’ll stay out here until Ymir leaves so I can go see Christa.” 

“A . . . All right. This shouldn’t take long, right, [First]?” Bertolt asked, quickly turning to you, and you nodded. 

“Yeah, no more than twenty minutes, probably.” you replied. 

“Just go with her Bertolt. I can fight off Ymir!” Reiner laughed. Bertolt weakly smiled, and turned around, already making his way to the abandoned building.

“That’s not what I’m worried about,” you heard him mutter under his breath as he brushed past you. 

“Oi, wait for me!” you said, rushing to catch up with the tall brunet. “What was _that_ about? If you don’t want to go with me, I’m fine going alone.” 

“No, it’s not that,” he explained hurriedly, picking up on the hurt tone in your voice. “Reiner hasn’t been feeling all that great recently so I didn’t want to leave him and then have him be ill when I’m gone.” 

“Oh. He’s seemed fine during training.” you said. 

“He’s been acting like he’s fine. He’s pretty sick, really.” Bertolt said in hushed tones, as if the idea of illness just dawned on him. “I’m just really worried about him.” 

“I understand. That’s something difficult to deal with,” you sympathized with him as you went on the trail leading to the building. “I hope he feels better soon, and if there’s anything I can do to help either of you, just tell me.” 

“Thank you, Kitten.” he smiled at you and the butterflies in your stomach started up at him using your nickname affectionately for the first time. You two had remained friends, keeping true to your resolution to only start something once you were both living safely inside Wall Sina. Of course, you knew that would only leave you two a year of happiness together; you had just moved your plans to destroy the walls back a year, but you were looking forward to being an MP with Bertolt and living happily and together with him inside the inner Wall. “I’m just worried sick about him,” his tone turned somber. “I’m sure he’ll get better eventually, but right now it’s just hard, you know?” 

“I’m sure it’s hard, but Reiner’s a tough guy. He’ll get through this cold and then everything will be okay.” you tried to reassure him. 

“I hope so, too.” he replied quietly. 

The building was a lot more intimidating in the daylight, in your opinion. The night covered up the cracks in the stones, the moss oozing out of the cracks like pus out of a wound, the decomposing shutter and broken glass windows. Bertolt opened the weathered and rotting door open for you, letting you in first. 

“Always the gentleman.” you teased him. He chuckled, and quietly closed the door behind him. You two strode through the house, searching for the room with the medical equipment. _Ugh, I hope we can just get in and get out, this place just feels weird,_ you thought, going down the dark hallway and into the room with the staircase to the Suicide Room. _But I do like being alone with Bertolt. And I don’t think I may get this good of an opportunity again, him being away from Reiner and us not being expected to be on campus._

“Hey Bertl, how about we have a really hard time finding the room with the medical equipment?” you suggested, a sly grin on your face. He gave you a confused look. 

“But we know where the room is.” he said. You giggled and latched onto his arm. 

“Maybe we took a wrong turn and got lost,” you said, looking up at him. Still, he looked confused. You sighed, and gave him a hard look. “I want to make out with you, Bertolt.” 

“Oh!” he exclaimed, his face flushing. “[First], I was serious when I said I didn’t want to start anything until after we graduate.” 

“Please? I mean, we don’t have to make it official to make out.” you said, disappointment settling in your stomach. 

“No, [First].” he told you firmly. You sighed, and shrugged. Sometimes you even wondered if he truly did like you. Besides hugs, he didn’t do anything to make his affection known. Then again, it had occurred to you that perhaps he was waiting until things were official to kiss you, but hell, nothing needed to be official in order to do anything, right? 

“Okay. Let’s go get the medical equipment and leave,” you said, making your way down the dark hallway and to the room with the staircase to the Suicide Room. Gurneys were still strewn about the room and the missing syringe was under on of them. “All right, we’re getting the syringe a few gurneys, and then we can -” A loud crashing sound interrupted you, and you two jumped.

“That sounded like it came from the end of the hall,” Bertolt said, grabbing the syringe and holding it like he would a knife. “Let’s go check it out, but stay behind me.” You rolled your eyes but complied. 

“All right, I’ll use you as a human shield,” you agreed as you two went to the end of the hall. The bathroom door still had the wound from the knife you had thrown into ages ago, and you grinned absentmindedly at the detail as Bertolt put his ear to the door before opening it. The room was empty, looking almost the same as it had when you two had entered it the first time. He motioned for you to check the bathtubs for someone. You looked in the ones against the left wall while he took at the ones on the right. They were all empty except the one in the back corner that had had the dead body prop in it during the hazing. 

“Gross, they left the body prop in there.” you wrinkled your nose, staring into the grimy green water and at the hazy figure lying in it. 

“Well, the prop didn’t make that bang, and there are no hiding places in here,” Bertolt said, putting a hand on your shoulder. 

“Let’s check the other rooms and see who’s in here with us. If they’re here, it probably means they’re gonna kill themselves in the Suicide Room, and we need to stop them before it’s too late.” He opened his mouth to argue but you were already gone, poking your head into different rooms and calling out for the intruder. But after a thorough search of the house, you and Bertolt found no one. 

“Maybe it was just the building settling,” he guessed as you two made your way back to camp, pushing the gurneys in front of you. 

“Maybe. Or perhaps someone heard us and didn’t wanna be talked out of suicide and ran, deciding to do it when no one was there.” you suggested. 

“But everyone’s gone through the hazing. Everyone knows where the Suicide Room is, so there’d be no reason for them to be in the bathroom.” he pointed out. 

“I guess. I don’t know, you’re probably right, it was just the house settling.” _Although that’s a weird noise for a house to make._ Once again, he opened the door for you, and you entered. “We’re back!” you announced to the nurses, Christa, and Rose. 

“Oh, good! You’re back sooner than we were expecting!” one of the nurses said, and although you knew she meant only innocent things, Bertolt looked down as he wheeled in his gurneys. “So they were easy to find?” 

“Yeah, we knew where to find everything,” you said. “Also, Rose, you guys realize you left that dead body prop in the bath tub in the ground floor’s bathroom?” 

“What?” she asked, perplexed. 

“During the hazing, you guys put a dead body prop in a bathtub. You guys left it in there and it’s probably rotting and won’t be good to use next year.” you told her. 

“We’ve never had a dead body prop. We only put knives in the house, some bugs from outside, and some extra medical equipment.” Rose looked very grim, and the nurses turned to you, looking afraid. 

“No, you guys had a body prop. I saw it broad as day in the tub the night we got hazed, and it was there when we went to get the supplies just now . . .” you insisted, panic rising in your body. _No, no, it can’t be real!_

“No, [First], we never put anything in any of the bathrooms,” Rose said, eyes widening. 

“But there was a body in there! It can’t be real, there’s no reason for a dead person to be on base!” you were practically shouting, face getting paler and paler. One of the nurses whispered to the other, and she quickly left. “OhGodohGodohGod I touched a dead body!” you shrieked, hands flying to your head. “I picked up a dead body! I got sick from a corpse! Bertolt! Why didn’t you stop me?!” you were hysterical, thoroughly freaked out. 

“How many times do I have to tell you, I never have any idea of when you’re going to do something! You can’t expect me to stop you from things I don’t even know you’re going to do!” he told you sharply as you were freaking out. 

“But I touched a dead thing, I got sick from it some of it was in me I just, I feel sick, and I’m freaking the fuck out, and -” 

“Take some deep breaths, okay?” It shocked you how fast he could switch emotions, going from exasperated to caring. He put his hands on your shoulders, bending over slightly to better look at you. “It’s okay, it’s all going to be okay, just breathe normally.” He gasped as you threw your arms around his waist, burying your face in his torso. It calmed you down a little, being so close to him and breathing him in. His arms wrapped themselves loosely around your neck, and you tensed ever so slightly at him rubbing his thumb over the nape of your neck. “Just breathe in and out, in and out.” Minutes passed and he continued to hold you, gently stroking your neck and letting you calm yourself down, all the while giving you soothing words. 

_He’s too good for me. He’s far too good for me,_ you thought, your breathing returning to normal. _How am I going to be able to end this when I save humanity? How will I be able to bring about his death? How am I going to live with myself when he dies with the rest of humanity? Once he knows what I am he won’t like me anymore, and he won’t want to come to my homeland with me. It’ll end with humanity’s death. It’ll end when he dies._

“Don’t cry, Kitten. Please don’t cry.” you heard him say quietly. You became conscious that your sudden tears were getting his shirt wet, and as much as you tried, you couldn’t stop crying. But he didn’t break away from you, or demand you stop crying. Bertolt pulled you in closer, telling you everything was going to be okay. 

_If only he knew how wrong he is._

*The Next Night*

“No, but I mean, do you think it could have been, you know, one of _them?”_ Bertolt asked Reiner. The two had lingered behind in the bath house. Or, more accurately, Bertolt stayed behind and Reiner didn’t leave with the others to make sure his tall friend was all right. Reiner gave him an odd look. _No, no, Reiner, don’t do this to me again!_ he internally pleaded with his best friend. 

“What do you mean, ‘one of them?’” Reiner asked him. 

“I meant a spy from the other titan village,” Bertolt whispered. He was sure they were alone, but it was never bad to be too safe. 

“Dude, I have no idea what the hell you’re talking about,” Reiner told him bluntly, gathering his dirty clothes up in his arms. “Are you feeling okay? You’ve been seeming kinda off lately.”Bertolt had to bite his tongue. He wanted to scream, “I’M NOT THE ONE WHO’S ‘OFF,’ I’M NOT THE ONE WHO’S COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN WHAT WE WERE SENT HERE TO DO” but he didn’t. Instead, he just remained silent. “Ah, I know what’s eating you,” Reiner continued, a knowing smile on his face. He put his hand on Bertolt’s shoulder. “Bert, go to her. Tell her you don’t want to wait until you’re in the Military Police to start a relationship. Just go out there and tell her you want to begin something now.” 

“That’s not the main thing that’s bothering me,” Bertolt protested weakly, feeling as if he was coming undone. Reiner had never had it this bad. Usually after a second hint, he snapped back into his senses. But now, it was as if he was completely lost. 

“You don’t have to lie to me, Bertolt. We’re best friends.” the blond told his friend. “I know it’s been bothering you, so go do something about it.” 

“I can’t do anything about it,” Bertolt whispered, panic settling in his body. _Have I lost him for good?_ his throat was starting to hurt, and he felt as if he was bound to start tearing up at any moment. 

“What are you talking about? Of course you can do something about!” Reiner told him optimistically, missing what the tall brunet was really talking about. “You told me yourself that yesterday she was wanting to kiss you! She’s into you and she’ll be more than happy to be your girl, just ask her out already!” Bertolt said nothing, gathering up his clothes and leaving to find somewhere quiet to sit. He needed time to think and to be alone. 

*A Week Later * 

“And you _still_ don’t know who the dead guy was?” 

“No, Ymir. They didn’t tell me anything. They asked if I knew him, and I told them I didn’t. I didn’t recognize the body. But they didn’t tell me anything. And if they did, why would I tell you?” 

“Because you’re worried it’s someone from village, right?” Like Bertolt and Reiner had done a while ago, you and Ymir sat alone in the bath house, talking. 

“It’s a possibility, I guess. But I don’t think it is. I mean, there’s loads of John Does out there, and it’s not a far-fetched thought that someone could have been squatting on military grounds.” you reasoned. “And it could easily be someone from your hometown.” 

“No, if it was someone from my hometown, I would have been found out, and I’d be on my way back there as we speak.” she said with a shrug. “It’s still so weird. All of this is fucking weird. A dead body on a military base, two titan shifters enlisting in the same time, probably more. Have you figured out who the others are?” 

“I haven’t really thought about it, to be honest. I haven’t been thinking about it at all, recently.” you admitted. 

“Yeah because all you’ve been thinking about is banging the giraffe.” she teased you, and your face flared with color. 

“That hasn’t been a _constant_ thought!” you defended yourself as she smirked. 

“Do you think he might be one of them?” she asked. 

“I highly doubt. I originally thought Eren and Mikasa, maybe Armin. But now, I just don’t know. And I honestly don’t want to think about it.” you said. “I’m much more interested in living my life before everything goes to hell.” 

“Which, that reminds me, what is your plan, anyway?” Ymir asked sharply. “You haven’t told me anything.” 

“Why would I tell you my plan? I may talk to you about this sort of thing but I’m sure as hell not giving up my objective and shit to you,” you replied tersely, folding your arms across your chest. 

“As long as Christa is safe, I’m fine with whatever you do.” she said. You felt something in you, almost a warming feeling. Even though Ymir annoyed the hell out of you, somehow it felt good to have someone on your side. Even if the alliance probably would dissolve eventually. 

“Christa will be safe, don’t worry.” you promised her. You were working on plans to keep your friends safe, but they were all far-fetched. But hey, you were still trying. She grinned and nodded. 

“Good. But yeah, I think Eren’s someone we need to watch out for.” Ymir said as she picked up her sweat-soaked uniform. 

“Yeah, definitely.” you agreed, grabbing your own dirty laundry and leaving with your ally. The walk back to your dorms was silent and fast. You had barely just gotten into your bed when you heard a knock on the door, followed by the cadet sleeping under you answering it. You couldn’t hear who it was, but from the giggle you heard, you figured it was either Franz asking for Hannah, or any of the other boyfriends asking for their girlfriends. 

“[First], Bertolt wants to talk to you outside.” the girl whispered. _Well, I was wrong,_ you thought as you climbed out of bed, down the ladder, and left the dorm. 

“OW! GET SOME!” you heard Ymir yell from her place next to Christa. You made sure she saw you glaring at her before shutting the door and leading Bertolt around to the side of the building. You knew now not to talk in the front, or risk Ymir eavesdropping on you two. 

“What’s up? you asked him, worried. He looked visibly distraught as he stood in front of you. 

“I-I,” he stammered, trying to find the words. Instead he threw his arms around your shoulders, pulling you into a hug. He hunched over to bury his face in your hair. 

“What’s wrong, Bertl?” you asked again, patting his back. You figured he was uncomfortable, hunching over like that, so you slowly sunk to the ground, sitting on your knees. He knew what you were doing, and sat down, his legs spread so you could fit between them. He moved his arms down to around your waist, his face buried in the crook of your neck. The feeling of him in this position, it being so alien, made your heart flutter as you put your arms around his back. “You can tell me anything.” you reassured him.

“I-I-I, I would rather not talk a-about it.” he replied quietly, and you thought that maybe he was holding back tears. 

“You can cry, I won’t judge you.” you said quietly, and you felt him shake his head. 

“No, I don’t want to cry.” he said, his lips moving against your skin. It felt too good for words. 

“Then what do you want?” you tried to ask as nicely as possibly; you knew the words could be taken as aggressive. “I’m here for you, Bertl, and I want to help you.” A sob wracked his lean body, and he lost it, sobbing into your neck. Your fingers entwined themselves in his hair as you comforted him, humming a lullaby from your village. One of his arms left your waist, his hand cupping your cheek as he made to face you. It broke your heart to see him this upset. You opened your mouth, about to beg him to let him talk it out with you when his lips crashed onto yours. You made a surprised noise, but melted into the kiss, pulling him in closer. _It’s about fucking time._ you thought as your previous worries of him not liking you melted away. 

“I know I said we wouldn’t, but this . . . I’ve realized I don’t want to wait until we graduate. I want to start something now.” he said feverishly, looking deep into your eyes. The butterflies in your stomach were a hurricane as you quickly bobbed your head in agreement before kissing him back. 

“I wanna start something too.” you breathed. “I wanna be your girlfriend.” He kissed your nose. 

“And I want to be your boyfriend.” he replied quietly. “I really like you, [First].” 

“And I really like you too, Bertolt,” you said before you both dived back in for another kiss. You knew it probably wasn’t the best time to begin a relationship, especially considering everything that was going on, but you couldn’t care less. All that mattered to you right now was Bertolt.


	10. Chapter 10

Bertolt’s breath hitched as you bit down on the crook of his neck. His hands, resting on the small of your back, pulled you closer to him. Your torsos were sandwiched together, and you were straddling your boyfriend of now two years. Your lips connected with him again in a passionate kiss as your hand trailed down from his neck down to his hip. He shivered from the feeling, and you smirked into the kiss. Daringly, you started rubbing the inside of his thigh, as close to his crotch as you could get without _actually_ touching him there. He jumped, making a high pitched sound of surprise. You quickly removed your hand and broke the kiss.

“Too soon?” you asked him, looking into his huge green eyes. Slowly, he shook his head. 

“No, I just didn’t see you jumping drastically from one thing to another.” he explained, wiping some excess sweat off of his forehead. “Are you okay? You generally work gradually, but you haven’t been normal at all today.” You sighed, looking off to the side. 

“I don’t know, I’ve just been feeling a little off lately.” you shrugged, looking back at him. Concern painted his face. 

“Do you wanna talk about it?” he asked tenderly, moving his hands from your back to your waist, lightly holding it. “Is it because Annie doesn’t like you?” 

“No, it’s not that,” you replied, looking at him with all seriousness. 

“Is it because Reiner was a jerk to you yesterday?” 

“No. I don’t fucking care what Reiner does,” you said casually. _How the hell do I talk about this? How_ can _I talk about this?_ you thought, trying not to show emotion. 

“Was it because Eren told you your gear skills are terrible? Which, by the way, they’re not. Your recent scores mean nothing.” he added quickly. You sighed and slowly shook your head. You had woken up that morning with the realization that this was all going to end one day, and the thought of your friends dead and your boyfriend either dead or never wanting to see you again once he found out the truth made you hurt so bad that you had thrown up several times today. 

“No, it’s not anything to do with Eren. I just. I can’t talk about it. I don’t _want_ to talk about it,” you clarified, nuzzling Bertolt’s neck. He nodded and kissed the exposed length of your neck. 

“Okay. You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” he told you gently. “But if you ever change your mind, I’m here to listen to you.” 

“Thank you,” you said, voice muffled. 

“H-how about we picked up where we left off?” he asked, voice shaking at first but then becoming stronger by the time he finished his sentence. He was never the one to initiate anything, so his offer surprised you. But then again, he had been acting weird recently. Perhaps he was picking up on your feeling of impending doom. You said nothing, and just bit the crook of his neck. 

*The Next Night* 

You stood in your shower stall, waiting for the girls to leave before you left to get dressed. You didn’t want them to see you in this state. Hell, you walked into the stall fully clothed and then stripped, tossing your clothes to the dry side of the door. The other girls looked at you oddly when you did it, but you didn’t want to take any chances of them seeing you. You knew it was ridiculous, but you were terribly embarrassed about yourself right now. Hiding in a shower stall like a coward, praying they don’t see it. _God, what has my life come to?_ you thought as you peaked through the door. Everyone was gone. You sighed in relief and grabbed your clothes. You changed in your stall, though. You didn’t want to risk someone walking in and seeing you and the hickeys that dotted your collarbones and torso. 

You consciously hadn’t healed them because Bertolt would find the fact your hickeys had healed in less than a day odd, and besides, they were his way of showing his love for you, and you couldn’t just erase that. But still, you didn’t want the other girls to see what you and your boyfriend have been up to, so you made sure to be extremely cautious. You quickly changed and exited the stall. Someone grabbed you as you left the bath house. You shrieked and swung at the figure. 

“Hey, watch it! You could have hit me!” 

“That was my intent, Ymir. After all, you did grab me suddenly.” you glared at the tall brunette, folding your arms across your chest. You didn’t glare at the short blonde next to her; after all, she hadn’t done anything wrong. Yet. “So, what’s up?” 

“We were just wondering if you were okay.” Christa squeaked. 

“Why would you be wondering if I’m okay?” you asked them, an eyebrow raised. 

“Well, you’ve been acting weird this whole month, and especially this morning, and then just now when we were bathing,” Christa began, but Ymir cut her off, a look of evil revelation on her face. 

“Fucking _hell,_ Kitten, I didn’t know you and Bertl got that far!” she exclaimed loudly while you motioned for her to keep it down. “Let me guess, you’re covered in hickeys and embarrassed about it?” 

“I don’t have hickeys, I swear!” you lied, defending yourself. “I just felt a little self conscious about my body today, is all.” 

“Yeah, sure.” Ymir replied skeptically. “No, but really. How many do you have that you’re this secretive about it?” 

“I don’t have hickeys Ymir, I swear to God I don’t!” You were thankful it was dark outside, because you were tomato red at Ymir’s questioning. 

“It’s not a big deal to have them; I’m just messing with you.” Ymir threw up her hands, looking nonchalant as she defended herself. “But, if you did, I would be seriously surprised that he actually knows what to do with a girl, like -” 

“Ymir!” Christa scolded her before turning to you. “I’m sorry, [First], but I was just worried something was wrong.” 

“No, everything’s fine.” you waved off their concern. Christa sighed, looking relieved. Ymir, however, still gave you that devilish grin of hers and you knew she wasn’t buying your story one bit. 

“I’m happy to hear that!” Christa said enthusiastically. 

“It’s getting late, we should head back to our dorm,” Ymir pointed out. 

“Actually, Bert and I were going to do a dramatic reading of some of Armin’s fairy tale books, so I’ll be heading to the boys’ dorm. Can you guys spread the word so if anyone wants to come, they can?” you asked, and they nodded. 

You weren’t the biggest reader in the world; you far preferred being read to, and luckily for you Bertolt loved reading out loud to you. But you could never keep quiet during the stories, so you would pipe up with snarky commentary and ridiculous statements. When Bertolt had been telling some of the guys about a particularly snarky thing you said about a sleeping maiden woken up by true love’s kiss, they wanted to hear all the commentary you gave during Bertolt’s readings. And so a tradition was born. Bertolt would read, and you would give commentary. 

Looking around to make sure no one saw you, you sneaked into the boys’ dorm. “All right, I told Ymir and Christa to spread the word that we’re having a reading tonight, so we need to wait a bit for the girls to get here,” you announced to the boys as your boyfriend climbed down from his bunk, book tight under his arm as he greeted you, giving you a quick kiss on the lips before kissing the top of your head. 

“Do you know when they’ll get here?” Armin asked curiously, giving a short wave to you to say hi. You mirrored him. 

“No idea. We’re just gonna have to wait a bit.” you replied. 

It didn’t take long for a small group of girls to arrive, carefully sneaking inside while you and Bertolt sat next to each other on Thomas’ bed. The fairy tale book was open on Bertolt’s lap, and he picked it up as everyone got settled. The room was quiet for a moment, so motioned to your boyfriend. 

“All right, let’s do this.” you told him. He cleared his throat, and began to read from the anthology. 

"'There once was a couple that lived next door to witch named Dame Gothel, who had a garden full of flourishing fruits and vegetables. This couple very much wanted to start a family, and to their immense joy, after several complications they were finally able to conceive.'" 

"How the hell do you have complications in getting pregnant?” you interrupted, giggles going through your audience. Hearing them laugh lifted your spirits a little. “Is his dick game that weak that he can't get it up, or something?" you interrupted, looking to your boyfriend. 

"I don't think anyone wants to know the answer to that question but you.” he replied wryly to everyone’s laughter, including yours. “'One day near the end of her pregnancy, the wife started getting extremely famished while working in her own, failing garden. She noticed some rapunzel growing in Dame Gothel's garden, and -'" 

"What the hell is rapunzel? That sounds like a slang term for an STD, not a plant." you injected. You tried not to laugh as you could hear Connie snorting with laughter over the din of everyone else laughing. 

"It's like lettuce.” Bertolt quickly explained. “'And the pregnant women's hunger focused in and became extreme cravings for rapunzel.'" 

"I think wanting an STD when you're pregnant is not a good idea, to be honest." 

"Rapunzel is not an STD." 

"I'm _pretty sure_ it's an STD." 

"It's not, I promise you. 'And the pregnant women's hunger focused in and became extreme cravings for rapunzel.'" – You snorted loudly, cutting into Bertolt’s story telling. He gave you a dark look, making everyone burst into more giggles – "'The wife spoke of nothing but rapunzel, and finally her husband relented and agreed to go to Dame Gothel's garden and steal some for her. But while he was leaving the garden, the witch caught him and threatened to punish him.'" 

"Is she -" 

"No [First] she is _not_ going to give him what you think rapunzel is. 'The man begged for the witch to have mercy, and she agreed, but only on one condition: as soon as his and his wife's baby was born, they would give the child to her. The man, fearing for his life, agreed. The child, a little girl, was born a month later and given to Dame Gothel. The witch named the girl Rapunzel, after the plant her mother craved.' [First], don't say anything.” he added hurriedly, giving you a sharp look. You simply gave a low chuckle at his worry. _He’s so right to worry._ “'Rapunzel grew up to be the most beautiful girl in the world with meters long golden hair. Fearing that suitors would try and win her hand, Dame Gothel locked Rapunzel up in an isolated tower with no staircase or ground-level entrance. Every day, the witch would visit Rapunzel and call out, 'Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair' so she could visit her adopted daughter in her tower room.'" 

"That sounds like Rapunzel's pretty uptight if she needs to let her hair down. Maybe she just needs a good fu-" 

"One day after Dame Gothel had left, a prince rode into the area near her tower and saw the long rope of blonde hair trailing out of the window.” Bertolt almost slurred his words he was talking so fast. _God, he knows me well,_ you thought giggling at his impeccable timing. _I really needed this._ “‘Curious as to what it lead to, the prince climbed up Rapunzel's hair and entered her tower. She was frightened at first, but soon learned the prince meant no harm, and the two became friends.’ 

“‘Every day the prince would visit Rapunzel in her tower, and eventually the two fell in love. The prince promised to marry her, but because she was naïve, she gave herself away to him before marriage.’” 

“That doesn’t sound judgmental at all,” you snarked from your seat besides your boyfriend. He shrugged. 

“Writers incorporate their views. It happens a lot,” he said before continuing. “‘Days turned to weeks, and weeks into months. The prince kept visiting Rapunzel after Dame Gothel had left. But one day while Dame Gothel was visiting, Rapunzel complained that all of her dresses didn’t fit anymore. It was then the witch knew Rapunzel had a male visitor. In -’” 

“What? How can the witch know Rapunzel had a boyfriend just because she put on some weight?” you inquired. 

“Because it implies Rapunzel is pregnant.” Bertolt answered you. 

“What kind of logic is _that?”_ you demanded. “Can’t a girl gain weight and not have it be because of a baby? And wouldn’t have Rapunzel have had morning sickness, or something?” 

“I don’t know, the story doesn’t say,” Bertolt replied, ever so calmly but you could see laughter in his eyes. 

“I mean, it’s just because I imagine it like this,” you stood up and turned your back to your friends, grabbing Thomas’ pillow and shoving it up your shirt. Your blouse rode up a bit, exposing a thick strip of skin, but you didn’t mind. Turning around, you faced your friends while striking a nonchalant pose. “Mother, Mother! Does this dress make me look fat?” 

“Honey, there’s just more to love!” Reiner called out from his seat in between Connie and Jean, and everyone burst into laughter. It was a grand moment, full of joy and laughter until you heard Eren ask: 

“[First], what’s that bruise just above your hip?” The laughter ceased as you turned pale and everyone started craning their necks to see it. You pulled your shirt down sharply to cover it. 

“It’s nothing, just drop it.” you reassured him, uncomfortably aware that you were starting to blush, Bertolt was sweating even more than usual, and everyone knew you had a hickey on your hip. 

“Maybe it’s a symptom of rapunzel.” Ymir snarked from her spot next to Christa. The others started to laugh, each chuckle cutting through you like a knife. You removed the pillow from underneath your shirt and sat back down, glaring at everyone. 

“Start reading, Bertolt.” you ordered him, crossing your arms in front of your chest. Bertolt, still sweating like crazy and the palest flush on his cheeks, picked up where he left off and began to read. 

The rest of the night was soured after Eren’s innocent question and Ymir’s snarky comment. Your commentary for the fairy tale became increasingly dark and decreasingly hilarious as your mood got worse and worse. Bertolt quickly finished up the tale after you made a thinly veiled insult at everyone, and once the tale was told the girls slowly made their back to their dorm. You remained sitting beside Bertolt, neither of you speaking a word. You were fuming, and you could feel Bertolt shifting awkwardly beside you. _What’s_ his _problem? It’s not like he’s the one that got humiliated in front of everyone,_ you thought, glancing at him. He was staring pointedly at his feet. The last of the girls trickled out of the room, and you stood up suddenly. 

“I should go,” you mumbled, not in the mood to do anything but go to bed and forget this ever happened. A rough hand caught your arm. 

“Wait for me, I’ll walk you over.” he said. You sighed, and looked up at his earnest expression; “I’ll walk you over” was code for “I want to talk to you privately.” 

“Okay, yeah, let’s go then before we get caught being out past curfew,” you said, and the two of you left. You found refuge in a gardening storage closet. Bertolt shut the door and secured it in place while you sat on an overturned bucket, hunched over and hugging yourself. Your boyfriend sighed, and finally turned to you, talking slow and even paces to you. He sat on the floor in front of you. 

“If I had known having hickeys bothered you so much I wouldn’t have given you any. I’m sorry, this is all my fault,” he apologized. 

“What? No, Bert, I don’t mind having them,” you replied, thoroughly surprised at his words. “I’m just upset that it got pointed out to everyone.” 

“I-I can stop giving them. I mean, that’d stop the risk -” 

“That’s not the problem, didn’t you hear what I said?” you snapped at him. His face fell, and you sighed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap, I just . . . I don’t know.” 

“[First], what’s wrong? You’ve been acting weird all year. Your aptitude grades have been falling, you’ve become more quiet and reserved, and you’re just . . . different.” _Well isn’t the pot calling the kettle black?_

“I . . . I don’t know. I just think the military’s changed me.” _I wish I could tell you what’s really wrong._ “I’m just in a funk, I guess. I’ll be fine. Ymir just pissed me off. Nothing unusual.” 

“Are you sure?” he asked worriedly, placing a hand on your knee. You gave him a fake smile, and put your hand over his. 

“Yeah. Everything will be fine.” you lied. _Granted you don’t die and don’t hate me after I break down Wall Rose._

“I-If you want though, I really can stop -” 

“No, it’s fine. I . . . I’m sure I’ve got some make-up or something to cover them all up.” _But I’m not going to let the Beast get to you, or anyone else._

“Okay. I-I just want you to know, [First], that I love you.” 

“I love you too, Bertolt.” _I’m a heroine, and I will protect everyone. No matter the cost._

“[First], why are you crying?”


	11. Chapter 11

“Kitten, it’s okay, really, it’s okay. I know this is upsetting, but you’re gonna be okay. Eleven isn’t a bad rank, it’s actually really good.”

“But Bert this sets back our plan! I can’t join the Military Police now, how are we supposed to stay together?!” 

“I could -” 

“No, you’re not giving up the Military Police for me! This is what you’ve been working for this whole time, and I’m not gonna let you throw your hard work away.” you and Bertolt sat outside an inn located in Trost. You had been on edge lately, and now that your graduation was over and you were going to be separated from your boyfriend, you were even more anxious than you had been before. He had felt that maybe if you got some fresh air, you would feel better, but you still felt like crap. You let out a shaky sigh, staring at your feet. “I can always join the Garrison, and from there transfer into the Military Police.” 

“No.” His curt words cut through the warm night air. You looked to him, giving him a quizzical look as he stared off down the rest of the street. 

“‘No?’” you repeated. “Bertolt that’s my only option, I can’t easily transfer from the Survey Corps into the Military Police.” 

“You can’t go into the Garrison, [First].” he said darkly. 

“What, you want me to go into the Survey Corps instead?” you inquired heatedly. 

“No, the only branch I would be comfortable with you choosing would be the Military Police, but that’s not an option.” 

“But at least with the Garrison I have the option of transferring into the Military Police -” 

“No, you’re not joining the Garrison.” 

“Excuse you, but you have no right to tell me what to do!” you told him sharply, eyes flaring. “You can _suggest,_ but you have absolutely no right to tell me what I can or can’t do!” 

“Please stop yelling. I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant I really don’t want you joining the Garrison.” he pleaded with you. 

“That’s the only option I have, Bertl. That or the Survey Corps.” _Which I wouldn’t mind. It’d be a good way for me to learn the advanced techniques of titan killing so I know what to avoid, but I’d have a difficult time getting access to the walls,_ you mentally shrugged. Bertolt kept his gaze to the ground, looking thoroughly displeased. 

“We don’t have to choose yet. We still have a few days until we have to. We’ll work out what we’re doing in those few days,” he told you. 

_Does it really matter what branch I choose? Either way, I’ll be able to have some sort of access to the wall, even if something awful happens and I have to join the Survey Corps. I might as well just disregard Bertl and join the Garrison. I know he’ll be pissed, but really Survey Corps doesn’t make sense to join, although it’d be fascinating. No, I need to join the Garrison. Even if it pisses Bertl. He won’t stay mad at me for too long._

_Yeah, because he won’t be alive long enough to stay mad,_ a voice in your head piped up, making you feel sick to your stomach. 

_No, I’m gonna wait until he’s safe behind Wall Sina before I do anything. It’s selfish of me to do, but I need to figure out how to save him and my friends. With the war going on, we always need more shifters, and perhaps my friends would like to do that. Fight the Beast Titan and the corrupt titan village. After all, we all have the same goals and the same enemies._

*The Next Day* 

“I’m just saying, it’s too early to be awake!” you complained, walking with Bertolt, Reiner, Ymir, and Christa towards the wall. The graduated trainees were assigned to clean canons and do some small maintenance tasks on top of the wall today, so you were all on your way to report for duty. 

“It’s eight o’clock, that’s later than when we had to wake up for training,” Ymir pointed out. 

“That doesn’t invalidate my point that it’s extremely early in the morning.” you retorted, glaring up at Ymir. She returned your fierce look with a cocky grin. You felt something warm and tall collide with you, making you step back. In front of you was a young man that looked like he was around your age. 

“I’m so sorry, I wasn’t looking where I was going!” he apologized sincerely. “I didn’t hurt you right?” 

“No, no, I’m fine,” you replied, trying to remember where you had seen this boy before. “You look really familiar, do we know each other?” You both stared, concentrated, at the other, and then finally you remembered. “Oh my God, Xavier! I haven’t seen you in ages!” you squealed as he seemed to remember you too. Your old friend picked you up and spun you around. 

“Jesus Christ, [First], you look so different!” he said, putting you down. “So, you went and joined the military after all? I bet the Cat’s keeping you all on your toes!” he added to your friends, turning to face them. “And Ymir! I haven’t seen you in a while either!” 

“Good to see you too,” she said, taking his outreaching hand and shaking it firmly. 

“Everyone, this is my old colleague from my street days, Xavier.” you quickly filled everyone in before turning back to him. “So what have you and everyone been up to since I left?” 

“We kept the gang up for about a year after you left, but we eventually just went our own ways. Tommy makes shoes with his sister Mia, Leonardo is a merchant with the Reeves company, Jack builds ships, and I got apprenticed to a blacksmith and my wife and I are expecting our first kid in a few weeks.” 

“You’re _married?!”_ you shrieked, looking up at him with wide eyes. “You’re only a year or two older than me, though!” 

“Yeah, well I guess I just grew up faster than you. No offense,” he added hurriedly, putting his hands in front of his body to shield him. “I don’t want a knife in eye.” 

“I did that one time to that asshole and you’re _still_ harping about it? Let it go, Xavier,” you sighed, rolling your eyes at him. It was hard for you to wrap your head around the idea that he was already married and expecting. After all, he had seemed so childish back during your gang days. But then again, you all had been children. 

“I’d love to stay and chat, but I need to hurry off to work. I’ll see you all later, it was great meet everyone and to see you two again!” he nodded to you and Ymir. 

“All right, see you, Xavier.” Ymir said, and you split away from him. 

“You knifed someone in the eye?” Reiner asked, interested, as you absentmindedly grabbed Bertolt’s hand. 

“Yeah, that’s how I kept in control. Some guy was threatening my control, so I threw a knife at him.” you replied, not concentrated on his words or your reply. It felt like your thoughts were running at incredible speeds in your head. _Everyone’s gone on and become successful? I mean, I always wanted that for them, but now? Now, when I have to knock down the wall in a couple of days? How will I be able to round them all up and take them back to my village too? It would take me months to find them all again and then gather them up. Would it even be possible to take them back with me? Maybe I should wait a few months until I break down the wall, then that would give me the time to get them together and get them out of the Walled Cities and back home._

_No, that wouldn’t work. They’re probably spread around Wall Rose and reaching them all and then making your escape would be far too hard. And even if, what would happen during the trip? They can’t kill titans, they would be a burden. Their place is in the Walled Cities, and you know that,_ a voice in your head scolded you. 

_But I don’t want them to die!_

_So you want them to become titans and then sent out to participate in the war?_

_No! Of course I don’t want that for them!_

_Then you need to break that wall and make sure they die beforehand. Because they can’t come with you, and you’re not a true friend if you let them become war tools._

_But Xavier and his girl and the baby –_

_They’ll all be in a living hell for the rest of their lives unless you do this. They may have horrible deaths, but it’s sparing them for what will come. You need to do this now. You can’t drag this out. You need to break the wall_ today _and get this over with. Drawing this out isn’t good for anyone. Not you, and not them. The sooner they’re spared and dead, the better.And don’t you want what’s best for them?_

You gritted your teeth, inhaling deeply. You didn’t want to, but you knew you had to do it. _I promised Ymir I’d let her know, and as much as I want to punch her bitch face in, I need to uphold my promise._ You stopped for a moment, hunching over and grasping your lower stomach. 

“Are you okay?” Bertolt asked quickly. “Do you need me to take you to the infirmary? I’m sure whatever it is, you should go lie down for a bit judging from how violently you reacted. I would -” 

“Fuck, my period starting.” you cut him off. “Ymir, do you have anything?” you looked up at her, praying she’d realize what was up. She did. 

“Yeah, I do. Christa, stay with Bertolt and Reiner, Kitten and I are gonna run ahead to the wall and take care of this there,” she said. 

“No, [First], I think -” Bert started, but you couldn’t hear him as you and Ymir began to jog ahead of the group. You got out of their line of sight and ducked into an abandoned alley. 

“All right, what’s up?” Ymir demanded, crossing her arms in front of her chest. 

“I’m gonna knock down the gate today, keep yourself and Christa safe.” you told her in a hushed voice. 

“What about everyone else? Surely you want to keep your boyfriend and the meat bag alive,” she asked. 

“Uh, meet me at the Trost gate around four o’clock with as many as our friends as you can round up,” you improvised. “I’m going to try and break down all of the gates today, and then we can escape to my village.” 

“Uh huh,” Ymir said, skepticism evident in her face. “All right. I’ll iron out the kinks this plan is full of while you do your thing. I’ll meet you at the gate with Christa and your friends at four, granted we don’t die in the meantime.” 

“That’s the plan.” you said, ignoring the stab she took at you.

The two of you ran in silence towards the wall. Once you reached it, you split off from Ymir and went to get your job done. _I wonder where the old door that leads to Wall Maria went,_ you wondered as you walked around the ground level of the wall. _I mean surely there will be a way I can get out of Wall Rose, shift, and then kick down the gate, right?_

“[First]? What’re you doing down here? I thought you were assigned to the top of the wall with Eren and Thomas?” the familiar voice pulled you out of your thoughts. You shot a bright smile at your boyfriend. _Ah, fuck._

“Maybe I just wanted to see you,” you told him, sauntering over to him. _I want to see you one last time, if anything happens today,_ a voice in your head piped up. Your smile wavered a fraction of an inch, but you quickly covered it by hugging him. 

“[First], as much as I want to spend some time with you, I really need to get to my post,” he told you, his hands on your shoulders, gently trying to push you away. You let him. “Listen, be safe up there, okay?” 

“Yeah, of course,” you told him, giving him a quizzical look. 

“Well, I’m just worried you’re gonna fall off . . .” the rest of his voice was drowned out by you giggles. 

“Bertl, honey I’m not gonna fall off the wall!” you told him. “I’m going to be fine. You be careful up there, too,” you replied. 

“Actually, I’m stationed down here today.” he corrected you. _Great. That’s just fantastic._

“Oh? Are you in the underground stockrooms, or the gate, or . . . ?” you asked, praying he wouldn’t be near the gate. 

“I have to run to the gate real fast to grab something from someone, but then I’m working in the lower stockrooms.” _Okay, so he’ll be away from the gate. Good._

“Oh, okay. Well, I should let you go, then.” you said, getting on your tiptoes to give him a kiss. 

“All right. Be safe. I’ll try and sneak away at lunch to see you. Sound good?” he asked, leaning down to meet you halfway and kiss you. 

“Sounds good.” you replied. You started to try and move past him, but he countered your moves. You chuckled and mentally kicked yourself when you noticed how nervous-sounding it came out. _Damn it, Bertolt, get out of my way. Let me get this over with._

“A-are you heading that way?” he questioned, pointing behind him. 

“Yeah, I have to go to the bathroom and readjust the tampon I got from Ymir.” you lied smoothly. “You know how I feel about having things up there.” He laughed nervously. 

“Yeah, but I’m sure you’ll be fine. You should probably head up to your post quickly before someone thinks you’re slacking off,” he told you. 

“I have a wad of cotton up my vagina and it feels awkward, I need to go fix it,” you said bluntly as you tried to move past him. _God damn it, just let me get past you and this over with!_

“Isn’t there a bathroom upstairs? I just don’t want you to get in trouble on your first day as a real soldier, [First],” he said. He opened his mouth to keep talking, but the sound of boot soles against the wooden floor interrupted him. 

“What’re you two doing down here?” It was a Garrison soldier. He looked at you and Bertolt quickly. 

“We were on our way to our posts, sir,” Bertolt told him. 

“You’re both positioned down here today?” the soldier demanded. 

“Well, _no,”_ Bertolt began while you gave him a dark look. “I am, -” 

“Then I’m breaking this up and taking you to your post,” the soldier grabbed your upper arm and started pulling you away from Bertolt. _Wait no I still have things to do!_ you protested in your mind, but you knew your opposition would fall on deaf ears. You turned back to wave good-bye to your boyfriend. He returned the gesture with a small, sad smile. 

“Where are you positioned, Cadet?” the soldier asked. 

“Right above the gate, sir.” you replied bitterly. _Great. I’m going to have to wait and sneak away at lunch, or something._ You sighed. _At least I get a little more time with my friends this way._

The journey up was tense, with you scowling at the soldier while he lectured you about how a proper soldier doesn’t sneak off to see her boyfriend during work, and you were glad to get rid of him once you reached the top of the wall. He returned to his post and you walked over to your friends. 

“Hey [First]!” Eren called cheerfully to you as you approached him and Connie. 

“Hey guys!” you replied, smiling at the brunet boy. 

“Did you know Connie’s joining the Survey Corps too?” he asked you curiously. 

“Oh my God Eren, it’s not a big deal!” Connie butted in, looking away from the canon he was cleaning to glare at you. 

“No, I had no idea. What brought that on? I thought you had your heart set on the Military Police,” you questioned him. 

“I had a change of heart, is all,” he shrugged. 

“Are you going to join the Scouts too, [First]?” Mina Carolina inquired as she and a few other cadets walked towards you. 

“No, I’m going into the Garrison so there’s a chance I can transfer into the Military Police,” you told her. A pang of guilt hit you as you saw her face fall, but she said nothing. Her focus changed from you to someone behind you, so you turned around to see Sasha walking towards you all. 

“Don’t panic, but I sorta borrowed some meat from the kitchen,” she announced, showing off her stolen prize to everyone. 

“Sasha! Do you have a death wish?!” Mina asked her incredulously as you stared at Sasha. _Seriously, meat? Why couldn’t you steal something sweet? Get your priorities straight, Braus,_ you rolled your eyes at your friend. 

“No! They won’t miss it. If no one wants any, fine, more for me,” she shrugged, putting the meat in a box storing your lunches. 

“Wait, no, I want some too!” Mina blurted out. 

“And me!” Thomas added. 

“Me three!” Connie told her. 

“You might a well add everyone to the list, Sasha,” you sighed, walking over to a canon and starting to clean it. _I might as well take advantage of a little protein before everything goes to hell,_ you thought. _If the need wasn’t urgent, I would just not bother with this for a few more ye –_

A loud crash following by rumbling cut through your thoughts like a hot knife through butter. _What the fuck?! Are we having an earthquake?!_ you wondered, looking around you wildly. In front of you all was the Colossal Titan. In that moment, it felt like your mind and body separated. 

“Oh, _COME ON!”_ you screamed, barely aware you had started charging it. “FUCK YOU, YOU PIECE OF SHIT! I WILL KILL YOU AND BATHE IN YOUR BLOOD!” The memories of your comrades dying flowed into your head, the pain of your loss and your selfishness once again cutting into you. _I may be a shitty soldier and a shittier person, but I will accomplish this mission in their memory and be the heroine I was born to be! And I’m going to start by wiping out the enemy shifter!_ Your gear was engaged and you were flying towards the muscle-covered face of the Colossal Titan. 

But it was all over in a flash of white. 

You were centimeters away from its face when you heard another loud crash and boiling, hell-like heat assault your body. Instinctually, you threw your arms up to protect your face, and you felt your body being pushed away from the titan. Then came the horrible feeling of free falling while burns cut through your nerves. You howled in pain as Mina caught you from her place against the side of the wall. Your head had hit her shoulder, and the burns didn’t react kindly to being touched. 

“[First], are you okay?” she asked you, gently but urgently. 

“What do you think?!” you snapped at her, trying not to cry at the pain coursing though your veins. 

“[First] is hurt! I’m taking her back so she can get treatment!” Mina shouted to your fellow cadets. “Hang on tight, okay?” she said to you, and before you could argue the two of you were falling again, making your way back to headquarters. _No, stop, I need to be with our friends!_ you silently protested as you looked back to Wall Rose, watching them all suspending off the edge of the wall. You inhaled deeply, looking back at the gaping hole the Colossal Titan had made in the wall. Worry and relief coursed through your veins as you saw your job done for you. 

_It’s begun._


	12. Chapter 12

"[First]?! [First]! Please, let me see her! I only have twenty minutes until I'm deployed, I need to see her before I go!" You bit the inside of your lip as you heard Bertolt arguing with the nurses outside the hospital room you and Samuel were in. _I don't want him to see me like this! All bandaged up and burned,_ you thought, watching as the nurses gave in and let him into the large room. He all but ran them over as he scurried to your side. "Oh God, [First], I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry." he told you, patting your thigh gently.

"It's fine, Bertl. It's not your fault that I got so badly burnt," you replied. He pursed his lips, giving you an almost pleading look. 

"Mina told me what happened. You charged the Colossal Titan without thinking things through beforehand? At least Eren waited a moment before going after it," he reprimanded you. "Do you have any idea how reckless that was?" 

"I chose to spend the past three years training with gas powered grappling hooks to kill meters-high, human-eating monsters. I'm pretty sure that's not the most reckless decision I've made," you snarked. His green eyes narrowed into a glare, making you glare right back. "Come on, Bertolt. I could've ended up a lot worse, and come on, I had to try and kill it. It's gonna go after Wall Sina next, and I can't allow it to do that." 

"You have first degree burns, [First]. I wouldn't say it could be that much -" 

"Well, it could have bitten me in half instead of just burning me," you pointed out matter-of-factly. His mouth snapped closed, his lips becoming a fine line as he stared at you. 

"Don't even think about that, let alone say it out loud," he murmured softly, gently patting your thigh again. "But . . . I'm glad you won't be heading into battle. I wish the reason why didn't involve burns, though," he commented. "I think I'd lose my mind if you were out there fighting. I guess I should thank the Colossal Titan for giving you a reason to stay out of this," he joked, a small smile on his lips. You gave him a dark look. 

"More like torture and kill that fuckwad for burning the shit out of my face and body and keeping me from doing my duty as a soldier," you replied bitterly, pouting and folding your arms. Your eyes were trained on your feet, but from you peripherals you could see Bertolt weakly smile. He nervously chuckled. 

"I'm sorry, I was just trying to make a joke and cheer you up." he apologized. "I-I need to go, I'm deploying soon. If I make it out alive, I'll come back here as soon as I get off duty to check up on you." 

"All right. I'll see you in a few hours then, probably," you said. You could feel your heart breaking into tiny shards as he prepared to leave. You wanted him to stay with you, in a secure area behind Wall Rose. "Stay safe, okay?" 

"I'm fighting meters-high, human-eating monsters with gas powered grappling hooks. I'm pretty sure that's not the safest thing the world to do," he joked, making you giggle slightly. "I'll stay as safe as I can." 

"Okay. Kill some titans for me, will you?" you asked. He nodded. 

"I will. Um, can I . . . ?" he gestured to your lips. "Will it hurt if I do?" 

"No, it won't." you lied. He gave you a soft, tender kiss, as if realizing you weren't being completely truthful with him. You felt a stinging pain at his touch. "I love you, Bertl." 

"I love you too, [First]." he said adoringly before standing up and leaving the hospital room. _Great. He's going off into the fray and there's nothing I can do to help him. God, I wasn't prepared for any of this._ You looked around the room, looking for prying eyes. Samuel was still unconscious from the initial Colossal Titan attack. So far, you two were the room's only occupants, but you knew that was bound to change as the war waged on. The nurses were busy outside of the room; you could see them pass the room's tiny window in the door every so often. _Good. Coast is clear._

You let the lower portion of your legs start to heal, along with your hips. _You might as well let your whole body heal a little,_ a voice in your head told you. 

_No, that'll cause too much steam. I can't afford to do that just yet. And besides, the parts I'm letting heal would take a day or two to heal if I were letting it do it on its own. I'll get more done if I hold off on my face and torso, so my body can focus its energy on my legs and hips._ You glared as you watched miniscule amounts of steam rise from your legs and hips. _When I go home, I'm killing the idiot that messed up my serum._

Home. 

The word hit you like a ton of bricks. _How's my family going to react when I return home without my comrades? And only managing to break one wall down? That is, if I manage to break down Wall Sina. I could always pass it off as using the other titan shifters and making them do the dirty work, but no one would believe that. They'd call me incompetent and standing on the shoulders of better, although rivalrous, shifters._

_In fact, who_ are _the other shifters? Ymir would never break down the walls; if it has a possibility of putting Christa at risk, she won't do it. And the Colossal can't be Eren. In fact, I don't think he is a shifter. He wouldn't go after his comrade like Bert said he did. So it can't be him, or Mikasa, and probably not Armin. It's no one that was with me when it happened. Then, who could it be?_

You weren’t sure how much time had passed when you heard approaching footsteps and stopped the healing. The last of the steam was gone by the time a nurse entered the room, a pillow tucked under her arm. 

"How are you feeling, Cadet [Last]?" she asked, shutting the door and walking towards you. 

"I'm feeling fine. I just I could be out helping my fellow cadets retake Trost," you lamented with a small shrug of your shoulders. 

"It truly is a shame. What’s up with the cadet next to you?” she asked, her thumb pointing to Samuel. 

“He fell off the wall and got a grappling hook shot into his calf to save his life, apparently.” you repeated what the earlier nurses had been discussing earlier. “He’s unconscious, and the other nurses doubt he’s gonna wake up for a few days. Which is good, they’re still trying to figure out if they can fix his leg or not.” 

“What a shame,” she shook her head, coming towards you. _Wait, if she was another nurse, wouldn’t she be up to date on his condition? After all, we’re the only soldiers here so far and this is one of the main infirmary rooms . . ._ “Well, I came in here to tell you that there’s a high chance you actually have burnt airways. It’s very dangerous, and if left unnoticed by the rest of staff, it could be fatal.” 

“How would I have burn airways?” you challenged her, trying to discreetly search the rooms for weapons. You knew the nurses kept one or two scapels in the drawers behind this so-called nurse. You weren’t completely defenseless, but reaching the blades would be difficult. 

“Most likely, you inhaled some steam when you went after the Colossal Titan. If you’ll just lie down and relax, I’ll check and see if that’s the case,” she said, starting to push you back. You saw something in her breast pocket as she leaned over you: a box of matches. _Why would a nurse have matches?_

“Actually, I’m sure it’s f-mmm!” Before you could stop her, she placed the pillow over your bandaged face and pushed you into the bed. Your burnt skin screeched in pain and you flailed, trying to get the pillow off of your face and make her stop. You screamed for help, but you were sure the noise didn’t make it outside of the room. Your nails raked the fake nurse’s face, and she bent back, howling in pain. You took your chance: grabbing her wrists, you forced her away from you. Gulping for air, you hurried to the drawer and pulled it open, grabbing the scalpels. The fake nurse recovered from the pain and charged you. _I’ve never thrown a scalpel, but let’s try this!_ you thought, moving your hand ready to throw the sharp utensil. You whipped your arm back and then forward, sending the silver scalpel flying into the fake nurse’s face. She screamed as it penetrated her eye. With a war cry, you charged her and stabbed her over and over with the other scalpel until you were sure she was dead. 

_God, what the fuck was that? Why would she do that? What’s going on?_ you asked yourself as you stared blindly down at her body. The bloody scalpel slipped out of your hand and clattered to the floor as you stared at her dead body. _I just killed someone. I just_ killed _someone. I-I . . . She deserved it, she tried to smother me, but is this hollow pain going to be how I feel when I knock down the gate into Wall Rose? Or Wall Sina? Will it be like this, but a million times worse?_

You felt as if you were watching everything from a different standpoint. You could see yourself running into the hall, calling for help, yelling that someone had tried to murder you. You could see yourself watching as the medical staff brought in two MPs that were clearly very glad about not having to go into Trost District to fight titans to investigate. It felt as if everything was detached, as you sat on an empty bed, waiting for a clean uniform and watching the MPs as they approached you, a notebook in hand. _Will this always be my reacting to killing people? How am I going to be able to cope when I wipe out humanity? Granted, it’s to save them all but it’s still killing. If I feel so empty after killing someone that deserved it how am I going to feel after killing innocent, ignorant civilians?_

It was when the MPs started questioning you that you felt pulled back into your own body. You looked up at them somberly as they started asking you questions. Your full name, how old you were, place of birth, etc, before moving onto to questioning you about the attack. 

“She came in here and was all, ‘You may have burns in your airways that could be fatal,’ and she said she wanted to look at it, but I just got a weird feeling from her so I was saying no when she took that pillow and tried to smother me,” you pointed to the pillow on the floor next to Samuel’s bed. “I managed to fight her off, and I went to the medical drawers and pulled out some scalpels. I threw one into her eye and then stabbed her before going out and trying to get help.” 

“I see. Do you have any enemies, cadet?” one of them asked while the other took your statement. 

“No,” you shook your head. “I don’t think anyone would want me dead.” 

“How about the injuries you got right now,” the MP with the clipboard asked, waving his pen at you. “What caused this?” 

“I was stationed above the gate when the Colossal Titan appeared. I charged it and it blew out really hot steam, and it burned me,” you answered, tenderly touching the gauze wrapping around your face and neck. 

“That’s unfortunate,” the other MP commented. “Cadet [Last], weren’t you the one that found the dead body in the southern trainee camp?” 

“Yeah,” you replied with a small shake of your head. 

“And you’re still fairly certain you didn’t know that victim?” 

“Even if I did, I wouldn’t have been able to tell. The body was so decomposed it was hard to make out any facial features,” you answered. The MP wrote your words down. 

“You have a lot of strange things happening around you, for just a cadet.” he said. Fear and worry flared in your stomach. 

“Do you think that dead body and this fake nurse are related?” you inquired. The MP shrugged. 

“Probably not, but we’ll look into the matter. It’s just strange that you found a dead body, and then a few years later some lady tries to kill you.” 

“All right, cadet, we’ll keep looking into this and try and figure out who would have tried to kill you. In the mean time, I’d suggest you stay low and try and heal as soon as possible. Is it possible to move her into another room?” he asked one of the doctors. 

“Well, I suppose we could. After all, we won’t be able to use this room for a few days because of this investigation,” the doctor mused. 

“Or, I could go out and fight. My burns aren’t that severe,” you suggested. 

“Facial burns can become very serious. You’re not participating in this battle.” the doctor told you sternly. 

“But if people really want me dead and that lady was an assassin, then they’re aware I’m in the hospital. In the battle field I’ll face titans, yeah, but at least I wouldn’t have people out to get me there.” you tried to reason with the man. 

“Cadet, until your burns get better, you’re staying in this hospital.” he said sternly 

“You should be happy you’re not out there. From what I hear, soldiers are dying left and right,” the MP with the clipboard told you. 

“I just feel like I should be doing something,” you muttered, leaning back against the wall. 

Once the doctors and MPs left you alone, you tried your best to get comfy in the room. It was in vain. You had a bad case of restlessness, and see bloodied and battered soldiers around you didn’t help put your mind at ease.

_Come on, you know titans were people! Do you really wanna go out and kill more innocents? And best let the titans kill more people and save them from suffering the same fate,_ a voice in your head told you. 

_But I feel like I need to do something! My friends could be dying out there, and I can save them and take them home!_

_Can you really? Even if they agreed to go with you, would your superiors accept them into the program?_

_Most likely. After that last raid from the other village we have only a few hundred citizens left,_ you thought dismally, trying not to shudder as you remembered the chaos of the last raid. _I can save them and bring them to my home, I know I can._

_They won’t go with you when they find out you’ve tried to wipe out humanity! Even knowing that what you did was right, they won’t go with you! You should just let nature take it’s course and stand down._

_But what about Bertolt? And Christa? And my friends?_

_Better off dead than becoming a hero like you or turning into titans themselves,_ the voice told you bitterly. Now that, you couldn’t refute. Did you _really_ want your friends to suffer mentally like you had for the past three years? Of course not. So you sat in the hospital room, listening to the horrific sounds of patients in pain and nurses working frantically to stabilize those that were near-dead. 

You don’t know how long you spent just sitting in bed, spacing out and being bored. An hour? Two hours? Five hours? But it got to the point you were bored out of your mind and worry eating you from the inside out as you fretted over your friends in battle and your own personal safety. Was another assassin going to go after you? Would these people that wanted you dead know their mercenary failed? Or, even worse, did they know who you were? What that body you found one of your allies in the walls, murdered by the woman that tried to kill you? You wanted a distraction, anything to take your mind off this mystery. But no distractions to alleviate your mind came. A few minutes ago you heard there was a retreat signalled but many of the trainees had ran out of gas and were stuck in Trost. It chilled your blood and you knew you had to do something. You just didn’t know what. 

_You are not sneaking out there to save people that have already been marked for death. [First], you can’t let yourself try to save them. They’re going to die, and better them die than turn into titans,_ the voice in your head scolded you. 

An hour passed. 

Two hours passed. 

A loud cannon booming marked the third hour. 

And by four hours you were done with waiting around. 

_Fuck this! I’m sneaking out and I’m helping my friends! I haven’t heard anything and I need to make sure they’re okay! And hell, I don’t feel safe in here with all these strangers!_ You conscious screamed at you to stop and stay put as you snuck out of the room and around the halls, looking for the room they stored injured soldiers’ maneuver gear. It took you sixteen minutes and forty-two seconds to find it (not that you were counting in irritation) to find the room, and once you found yours, you quickly put your harness on over your dingy uniform, opened the window, and fled the hospital to save your friends and your own life.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, things are getting into motion! Sorry for the short chapter; I done goofed while plotting out the chapters T-T

“Oh, fuck, that can’t be good,” you murmured under your breath. You had just scaled the wall and the first sight that had greeted you were the extremely faint remnants of what looked like a red flare. _I need to figure out what’s going on._ You scanned the area and spotted Jean, Connie, and a few of your friends a few feet away from you. _They should be able to tell me what’s going on,_ you thought, walking towards them. A hand on your shoulder stopped you in your tracks. You winced. While you had been able to heal a little on the way up the wall, you weren’t one hundred percent better yet.

“What’s your assignment, cadet?” It was the Garrison soldier that had dragged you and Bertolt away from each other. 

“I currently don’t have one, sir,” you replied politely. 

“Good. We need you to go hang on the edge of the wall with the other soldiers,” he commanded you. 

“Wait, what?” you questioned him. 

“You heard me. We’re keeping soldiers there for another hour, just until the ground teams return. Go on,” he shooed you away. You gave him a confused look, and although you didn’t want to, you went and obeyed orders. There wasn’t any need to make another enemy today. _I just have to hang off the wall? I guess that’s not too bad,_ you shrugged, quickly joining your comrades and scaling down Wall Rose. 

“Hey, I just got deployed and I don’t know what’s going on,” you said, slowly turning to the soldier next to you. “Can you tell me what’s going – Bertl?!” 

“[First]?!” if he hadn’t been strapped to her gear, he would have plummeted to his death, he jumped so extremely. “What are you doing here?! You should be in the hospital!” 

“It was boring there. Not to mention I had some crazy-ass bitch try to kill me,” you explained to him. 

“What?!” you had never heard his voice squeak like that before, and if the situation wasn’t so serious, you would have laughed. 

“Yeah. Some woman dressed up as a nurse and tried to smother me,” you explained. 

“But . . . but why? Why would someone want you dead?” he demanded, his face a mixture of rage and shock. 

“I don’t know,” you lied flawlessly. “I figured that the hospital wasn’t the safest place, so I ran out.” 

“You’d rather take on titans than crazy nurses?” he asked incredulously. “I can’t believe you, [First].” 

“What? My friends are out here fighting! It’s not like I can just sit around in some hospital when they may be dying!” you said, folding your arms and looking away from him. 

“But you were hurt. You have a valid reason for staying out of the battle. I can’t believe you’re actually out here after getting burned,” he said. 

“It wasn’t that bad,” you said. 

“We both know that’s a lie,” he said sternly. “I just hope this mission gets finished soon, and I can return to you the hospital, or somewhere where you’re safe.” 

“I’m not a fucking book or something, Bertolt, so don’t talk like I’m something you leave around. I’m a solider and even though I’m hurt, I’m going to do my part.” you told him vehemently, infuriated at his words. 

“You’re acting like a child -” 

_“I’m_ acting like a child?! Who was the one who made the incredibly inappropriate jokes while visiting me in the hospital?! I -” 

“Oh my God, shut _up!”_ a solider near you two shouted. “If you make it through this, then the two of you can settle this! But right now you should be focusing on more important matters!” You glared at him, but you had to admit, he had a point. 

“Ugh, fine. We’re going to settle this later, Bertolt,” you told him. He nodded in agreement. “So, what have I missed? What are we doing?” 

“Well, we’re trying to plug the hole in the wall,” he said. 

“WHAT?!” you shrieked. Your comrades glared at you. “How?! How are we going to plug a hole in the wall?!” 

“There’s a big boulder somewhere near the breach, so they’re going to have that as a temporary fix. They’re making Eren move it there,” he replied. 

“I get Eren’s extremely motivated, but how’s he gonna move it? He’s not exactly the strongest cadet out there,” you commented. 

“He’s the result of a government experiment that makes people turn into titans for a short while. According to Commander Pixis, Eren’s been the only successful one.” 

“Eren’s a titan shifter?” you asked incredulously. _I was right? He is a shifter? But . . . this government created him? They have that sort of technology? Does that mean . . . the Walled Cities are going to start getting involved in the war?_

“Yeah, I guess you could call him that,” Bertolt replied, cocking an eyebrow. 

“Well, what’s the update? Is the operation in motion yet?” _How can this government be able to make titan shifters? The process is way above this society’s level of technology. How can they even know about the war? Unless . . . unless they have information from someone, but I can’t imagine there being any double agents._

“We saw a red flare about an hour ago, but we’ve heard nothing since.” _They can’t get involved in this war. If they do, they’re just going to be even bigger targets for the Beast Titan. And if they’re making shifters, that means more and more titans will be attracted here and the enemy village will assume that this society’s ready for full-blown war and it’s not._

“So, it failed and we’re just sitting here?” 

“Basically.” _There’s no way the Walled Cities are ready for a shifter war. If the Beast Titan gets here, everyone gets turned into titan pawns for his endgame. If the neighboring village’s spies get here first, I don’t know exactly what’s gonna happen but it won’t be pretty. Everyone here is better off dead than in a war they can’t possibly be ready to go into. Does that mean the government knows more than it’s letting on? Do they know about shifter spies?_

_Do they know about me?_

“[First], are you okay? You look a little pale.” 

“I’m fine.” _Did they send that assassin after me? Did they kill the few superiors that were supposed to help me and my comrades during this mission? Are they trying to kill me? Am I really the only shifter left here besides Ymir? Maybe they already killed the other village’s spies. Maybe I’m next. Maybe we’re next._

“You don’t look so good.” 

“I’m _fine,_ Bertolt.” _If they have their own shifter army, maybe . . . maybe I can enlist. No! No, I can’t do that! I can’t give up on my homeland! They may have fucked me, but I need to accomplish this mission. I’m gonna save everyone! I’m going to help win this war for my homeland! Even if it’s the last thing I do!_

“You’re crying, [First]. You can tell me what’s wrong -” 

“I said I’m fucking fine! Leave me alone!” 

Bang. 

A singular snake of yellow smoke flew into the air gracefully. 

_What?_

_The . . . the mission was successful?_

_Eren managed to seal the hole?_

_Humanity actually_ won?! 

“Oh my God,” Bertolt breathed beside you. _Eren managed to seal Wall Rose. He actually did it? I . . . Does this mean humanity is capable of holding their own? That maybe they are capable of fighting in this war. And maybe even winning. But what would that mean if they won? Maybe they could bring peace. Without the Beast Titan and helping titans return back to their human forms, we could have peace again. Humanity can expand, and so could we. We could all live in peace. Eren is the Walled Cities only successful shifter, but if the Walled Cities teamed up again the Beast Titan, we could kill him and restore peace. I wouldn’t have to kill humanity. Everyone would be saved. Sure, there’d be deaths, but less than if humanity was wiped out._

_We can win this war without genocide._

_We need to team up, take on the Beast Titan, and restore the peace. We can do this._

_We can win this war without wiping out humanity._

_I know Bertolt doesn’t want me to, but once we enter this war, the Survey Corps will be the ones on the front lines. And as a shifter, it should be my duty to be there. I’m gonna do it. I’m going to join the Survey Corps, unite the human army with my hometown’s, and together we’ll take down the Beast Titan and bring peace to the world._


	14. Chapter 14

_“Wait, what do you mean, Eren’s being detained by the Military Police?” you asked Jean, sitting with him and Connie in the dining hall at the inn you were all staying at._

_“Apparently Pixis lied. Eren’s not some government experiment. Which sucks, because that thought was a lot more comforting than him just having these weird . . . what did you call them again, Kitten? . . . Shifting powers?” Connie said, taking a swig from his mug._

_“So, basically we just put our blind faith in Eren. We’re lucky we made it out alive,” Jean commented bitterly. “It makes you think, though. How many more of these shifters are out there? And how many of them are like Eren? Or, what if they’re enemies that’re trying to kill us all?”_

  


You were lying in bed, wide awake long before Bertolt started shaking your shoulder to wake you up. 

“Come on, [First], we should get out of bed now,” he said. Faking a yawn and a tired expression, you looked up to your boyfriend looking down at you. 

“Morning,” you said, kissing him. “What’s the weather for today?” 

“Sunny with a chance of it getting overcast tonight,” he answered humorlessly. 

“God, could you two _be_ any louder?” Sasha sat up from her bed, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. 

“You’re one to talk, Sasha,” you retorted, getting out of bed and getting your uniform together. Bertolt crawled out of your bed. He hugged you from behind and kissed your neck. 

“I’m gonna go sneak back into my room. I’ll see you at breakfast,” he said softly. 

“Sounds good. I’ll see you then,” you replied, giving him a chaste kiss before he left the room. A little more than a month ago, true to your new plan, you joined the Survey Corps. Eren not being a government experiment caused a snag, but you went ahead and joined. Humanity was strong, and even though they weren’t on your village’s level, they would make a good ally if they ended up joining the war. However, after seeing how Eren was treated, you hadn’t turned yourself in yet as a titan shifter. How could you? He was being treated so horribly and no one seemed to really trust him. And with you, being sent to kill everyone, how would you be treated? A million times worse than him. 

You were silent as you and your roommates got dressed. Despite it being a few hours before you left for your first expedition, everyone was lively. Perhaps it was the nerves. You knew there was no guarantee anyone was going to make it out alive. All you had to do was make sure you got home safely and hope everyone else did. 

*Two Hours Later* 

You shifted nervously on your horse, staring up at Wall Rose with apprehension brewing in your stomach like a thick stew. The bells clanged incessantly, rising above the excited chatter of the townspeople and the nervous chattering of the Survey Corps. _God, I don’t want to go back out there,_ you thought, biting your lip. _I don’t want to fight titans. It was bad enough when we had to travel from our home to Wall Maria. I don’t want to have to relive that._ You shuddered, thinking of the brunet that didn’t make it to the Wall with the rest of you. 

“Scouts, move out! The fifty-seventh expedition begins now!” Commander Erwin Smith’s voice rang out over the crowd. _NO, NO, HOW ABOUT NO,_ you thought, reluctantly spurring your horse on as the soldiers in front of you moved forward. You let out a shaky breath as you passed under the gates. You could see the titan grabbing your red-haired companion, the memory flashing in your mind’s eye. _No, you can’t think about that,_ you scolded yourself. _Just keep your mind clear and focus on staying alive._

Dilapidated buildings, covered in rubble and moss created the ruins of what was once a Wall Maria town. Part of you felt grateful that any human remains had been gobbled up by the titans; any sort of gore would send you over the edge and make your already sick stomach even worse. In the shadows of the ruins you could see titans lurking, spots of pasty flesh among the dark, crumbling bricks. You looked away with fear coursing through your veins. _Not now, I can’t panic right now._ You cleared the city, heart racing faster than your horse. A few meters ahead of you, Commander Erwin signaled the dispersal of the Corps. _All right. It’s go time._ You followed your team leader to the outer ring of the formation, where you would be one of the titan spotters. Glancing over your shoulder, you looked for your boyfriend in the rear of the formation. There was no sign of him. _Damn it. I wanted to see him one more time, just in case . . ._ Your heart clenched at the thought of either of you dying. 

“Eyes forward, [Last]! Focus your attention on scouting for titans!” Your team leader shouted at you. 

“Sorry, sir!” you shouted back, [e/c] looking dead ahead. _Okay, you need to focus. Stop the day dreaming. Stop going off on tangents. Focus is the only thing you need to do right now._

For a glorious hour, it was smooth riding through the open plains. Occasionally a titan would pop up in the distance, you’d fire off a flare, and the formation would change. You even calmed down a little, relaxing as the ride became less and less tense. 

Another titan came into view, but it was running very fast, a few titans following it. _What, that titan looks like a girl? What titan has blonde hair and boobs? I don’t even have that and I’m a girl titan. Maybe I could grow some. Next time I shift I’ll have to try that out._

“What is that . . . ?” one of your teammates asked. _That can’t be an Aberrant. They don’t move like that. Either it’s a brand-new titan or it’s a shifter. Either way, I need to be careful._ The Female Titan advanced, blonde hair swinging to and fro as a horde of smaller titans followed her. _God damn it! She must be the ringleader! We_ are _dealing with a shifter! I need to go after her and take her out before she can break the ranks! She needs to die!_

_Bang!_ The black flare blew into the air from your team leader. “She’s too close! Team, engage!” he yelled. _Time to die, bitch!_ You loaded your hilts with fresh blades and latched onto one of the regular titans, flying into the air and cutting its nape with ease. _I’m sorry you were too far gone to be saved,_ you thought, latching onto the next, working your way through the crowd to get to the Female Titan. 

Out of your peripherals you could see your team mates taking on the Female Titan, accompanied by a few others. She swatted them down as if they were flies and crushed them like they were just cumbersome spiders. _Oh God, no._ You watched limbs and blood fly through the air as she kept running forward. _That’s it! You die for sure!_ You mowed down one last titan before latching onto another one to propel you onto a horse. Rage fueled your killing spree as you soared through the air, the deaths of your fellow Scouts helping keep the flame alive. A titan grabbed your wire, pulling back harshly. A gut-wrenching scream ripped your throat as the titan swallowed you whole. You kept screaming up until you hit the boiling blood in the titan’s stomach. You clenched your eyes and mouth shut as your went under. The blood was thick and hot as it covered you like a coat of sweat. You bobbed back up to the surface, gasping for air. 

“God damn it!” you screeched, kicking your leg fruitlessly at the blood. Around you were the remains and cooking corpses of your teammates. In your mind’s eye you could see your comrades in the blood with you, torn into bits and looks of horror on their face. “STOP IT! STOP!” you shrieked, hot tears pouring from your eyes. “STOP HAUNTING ME!” A sob wretched itself out of your body. “I have to get out of here. I have to make it home! I have to save the others. You won’t die in vain! This time I’ll be brave!” Muscle memory kicked in, and despite the consequences you knew your actions would have, you grabbed the hilt of your blade and sliced your hand open. Your body expanded, ripping apart the titan’s body as you shifted. 

_“Remember, if you ever get eaten, shift enough to rip the titan apart. Leave your titan form once you’re safe,” your instructor had told you._

_But I’m not like the others,_ you thought as you stopped your shifting process before you got too big. It was uncomfortable, your muscles nearly suffocating you, but you couldn’t grow to your comfortable height of fifty meters. That would attract attention. _They can’t control their size, but I can._ Thirteen meters tall, you quickly surveyed the battle. Only three of your teammates alive still, all fighting desperately. You rushed the enemy titans, fire in your black eyes as you bit the nape of one of the smaller titans, sparing your horrified teammate. Springing off of your heels you charged the other two titans that had the other scouts in their hands. 

_God, how am I going to explain this,_ you wondered as you body slammed a titan. _I don’t imagine my teammates will be exactly warm to the fact there’s a titan shifter in their midst._ Your sharp teeth clamped over the titan’s nape and you ripped it out, rivulets of blood flying through the air. _Two done, one to go._ You pivoted on your heel, ready to take on the third titan only to find one of your teammates had beaten you to the punch. _Note to self; I need to speed up when it comes to killing titans,_ you thought. _Well, I guess it’s time to face the music._ You pushed yourself out of the dense, sticky mess that was your titan’s nape. 

“How’s everyone doing?” you yelled down to them, yanking your arm free of its sinewy binds. 

“Cadet [Last] get done here right down!” your team leader screeched. 

“Yes, sir!” _God damn it. I’m so fucked._ Thick, unsettling nerves wracked your body as you touched ground, walking towards your team with your hands up. “I know I shouldn’t have kept this from you all, but I had -” 

“Tie her up and put her on her horse,” your team leader ordered. “Make sure she can’t pull anything funny.” 

“I-I wouldn’t do anything to hurt any of you!” you protested as ropes wrapped around your body like a boa constrictor. 

“I’d like to believe that. You may have been a pain in the ass, but you had potential,” your team leader said. “But after this we can’t trust you. Once we all regroup and make a settlement for the night, you’re going straight into Commander Erwin’s custody.” 

_Don’t fight them,_ a voice in your head warned you. _If you do, it’ll just make things worse._

“Yes, sir. Understood,” you replied tersely. The thick ropes cut into your skin as one of your teammates picked you up and placed you on a horse. He got on his own and held your horse’s reins. The remaining four of you traveled on, you surrounded on all sides by your teammates and one of them making sure you couldn’t make an escape. _Damn it, what have I gotten myself into? I did it to save their lives. It’s not like I did it to bring down a wall._

“We need to stay on course and keep watching out for titans. Hopefully the next squad will take care of that female-type titan,” your team leader said, motioning for the team to move forward. Nausea rolled in your stomach as you thought about your situation. _What am I going to do now? Obviously I have to tell the Commander everything now, but how’s everyone going to react? I doubt everyone will welcome me as warmly as they did with Eren._ “Cadet, how long have you had these powers?” Your team leader glanced over his shoulder, staring straight into your eyes. 

“Since I was a child,” you replied. _No use lying about it now that I’m caught, I guess._

“Were you born with them?” he asked. 

“No. I was chosen by a committee along with thirty other kids to become titan shifters. There’s a serum that gives you these powers, and me and four other kids were given the first prototype batch. I’ve lasted the longest out of them. Most of them died a few days after being given the injection,” you informed them. 

“This committee, why was it turning kids into titans? Was Yeager a part of it?” another questioned. _Should I lie about_ that? _It won’t make me look good if I tell him the truth, but then what happens if they found out I lied?_

“No, I didn’t meet Eren until we were twelve and had just started training within the Walls. I don’t know his back story. With me and the others, we were given the serum to become elite soldiers. We -” 

“Heads up, we have more titans swarming in!” the man on your right shouted. 

“God, we can’t get a break today!” The woman on your left grunted, getting her flare gun out and sending out a signal. 

“They’re too close. We’re gonna have to engage,” your team leader said. He turned his attention back to you. “Stay on your horse and if you try to escape, we will hunt you down and kill you on the spot.” 

_Wow. And after I saved your lives? Thanks,_ you thought, watching your teammates go into battle while you sat on your horse. _This is so fucking stupid. I could shift right now and take them all out without them having to risk their lives. This is bullshit. And I’m a fucking sitting duck here. No doubt those titans are going to try and get me before they go after that other shifter._

The titans seemed to be normal, but as you watched your teammates fight them it became clear to you that something was clearly wrong with them. They were the most aggressive normals you had ever seen. And intelligent, too, smart enough to know to grab the wires and pull the soldiers into their mouths. _Oh God, I need to do something! But how the hell am I going to shift when I can’t easily injure myself?!_ Horror made your blood freeze as the screaming of your teammates cut through the air. Blood dripped from titans’ mouth as they tore off your teammates’ limbs off one at a time. You could see your shifter comrades dying left and right. The brunet boy dying to save all of you before any of you had even made it to the wall. The ginger girl getting eaten. The black-haired girl getting eaten. The blond boy being devoured as well. Not to mention all the destruction you’d seen at home. Their faces mingled with the Survey Corps as the play of death happened in front of you. _I need to leave, I need to leave!_ You squeezed your horse with your knees, making her run off, fleeing the scene. 

But despite the fact you ran from the titans and your practically dead teammates, the bloodshed that haunted your memories still flashed before your eyes like demons hell bent for your soul. Your chest heaved as you sobbed, lungs desperately trying to get air as gut-wrenching cries clawed their way out of your body. Disgust mixed with grief as you felt almost relieved they were dead, taking your secret to the grave. _Why can I never save anybody in the long run? Why do I only put off death? God, I’m so fucking useless! Even when I was a kid, anyone in a group with me has died while I just stood around! And the one time I tried to step up, it ended up being for nothing! Why can’t I do anything?! And why do I feel so relieved that they’re gone?! Innocent people are dead and I’m tankful they can’t out me?! What the fuck is wrong with me?!_

“[First]? [First], is that you?” 

“Krista?!” You blinked hard, trying to get the rest of the tears out of your eyes as your tiny blonde friend rode up to you, two horses without riders running beside her. 

“What’s wrong? Where’s your squad? And why are you tied up?” she asked, pulling a small knife out of her belt and cutting you free. 

“They got wiped out. I kept trying to fight back the titans, but my team, which all of them were practically dead, told me I had to flee and stay alive, and when I wouldn’t listen they tied me up and sent me off so I couldn’t go back,” you lied, shame making the pit in your stomach grow. 

“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry!” Krista breathed, reaching her hand out. You grabbed it and gave it a reassuring squeeze. 

“I’m guessing your squad is gone too?” you asked. 

“Actually, no. There was a fight and I got separated from them. I don’t know where anyone is, so I’ve been trying to find people for a while,” she replied. _Lucky._

“I think for the most part we’re still in formation,” you replied, stretching your limbs. It felt good to be free of the ropes. “But I don’t know how many squads have been wiped out. Did you see that large female-looking titan?” 

“No, I haven’t,” she said. 

“It went by my squad and brought a whole bunch of titans with it. Totally ignored us for the most part, though. I just hope another team was able to take it out,” you sighed. _Especially since I know it can’t be anything good._

“I don’t know why there are so many abnormals out here,” Krista wondered. “I mean, when Trost was invaded it seemed like most of them were normal.” _Either my homeland or the mountain village must’ve made new titans and failed to make them shifters. They’re probably from my home, although I don’t know how they made it over the ocean,_ you silently answered her. 

“Maybe the abnormals band together and that’s why there’s been a flood of them,” you suggested. 

“I guess it’s possible. But I just hope those are the only ones we run into today,” she replied. 

“Yeah, defin -” Your voice trailed off as you heard a high pitched noise coming from the west of you. “Do you hear that?” 

“Uh huh. It sounds like a whistle!” Before you could stop her, she bounded towards the sound. 

“Hey! Wait for me!” you shouted, following her lead. The whistling got louder and louder as you two rode at breakneck speeds.Three figures slowly came into view. _Wait, is that who I think it is?_

“Hey! Is everyone all right?!” Krista shouted at the top of her lungs as you two reached the source of the whistling: Jean, Armin, and Reiner. 

“My horse!” Jean cried, quickly striding to greet his noble steed. He and Krista started talking as you rode over to Reiner. 

“Glad to see you’ve made it so far, Kitten,” he said, lightly punching your calf. 

“Same goes for you, Reiner. What happened to you guys?” you asked. 

“We encountered a female-type titan. We tried to take her down, but no such luck,” he informed you. “Hey, you all right? Your face is pretty pale.” 

“She charged through my squad. I was hoping she didn’t break more of the rank, but apparently she did,” you said. _! We can’t have a titan shifter going in the ranks! Especially an enemy one! I know for a fact she’s not from my homeland and she can’t be from Ymir’s, so she’s gotta be from the mountain village._

“Yeah. I just hope Levi’s squad’s taken care of her already,” Armin said. “We should get a move on and find the others. Staying in one place for two long isn’t safe.” 

*Two Hours Later* 

“Oh God, Bertl! You’re okay!” 

“I’m fine, [First]! Honestly! I’m just glad you’re okay too!” You broke away from your boyfriend after a brief hug. You and your friends had finally met up with the rest of the Survey Corps and while a few charged into the Forest of Giant Trees, most of you were in the trees making sure titans didn’t get into the forest. 

“Yeah. I heard from someone that your squad got wiped out.” Your smile must have faltered, because he hurriedly added, “I-if you don’t wanna talk about that it’s fine and I get it completely, I was just wondering if that was accurate -” 

“It is,” you replied quietly, trying your best to keep eye contact with him. 

“Oh.” You sat down on the thick tree branch, criss-crossing your legs. Bertolt followed your lead, sitting beside you. The air was laced with tension as the silence grew. 

“What’re we going to do if one of us doesn’t come back,” you asked softly, looking down at the titans. _They don’t look very threatening from all the way up here,_ you thought. 

“What?” 

“Well, with all the squads that have been taken out today, I just think we should have a plan if one of us doesn’t come back. I can’t go to a family burial plot since mine doesn’t have -” 

“I can’t bury you, [First], and I won’t let you bury me. That’s something we shouldn’t have to do for each other,” he cut you off, avoiding your eyes. He took a deep breath before going on. “If I die, cremate my body and burn all of my possessions.” 

“I think that’s a bit much,” you quietly chuckled. “Why the hell do you want me to burn everything you own?” 

“I don’t . . . I just want the only thing left of me to be memories,” he replied. You had never heard such tenderness, such vulnerability in his voice. You wanted to ask to keep his cloak, or one of his shirts, but after hearing his response, you didn’t have the heart to. 

“All right. I’ll burn you and everything you own,” you promised. “If I die, cremate me and scatter my ashes over the side of Wall Rose. You and my friends can take whatever you want of my stuff.” 

“I call dibs on that nice set of knives you have,” Ymir piped up from her spot not too far from you and Bertolt. 

“No one asked you, Ymir,” you snapped at her playfully, giving her a devilish grin. 

“Hey, I’m not the one that was talking about what to do if you die,” she defended herself, playing along. You chuckled, looking back down at the titans. 

“All right. Ymir has dibs on my knives, but everything else is fair game for anyone,” you said. _I wish I could be buried back home, but that’s not an option. I don’t want to die here, but with the path I’ve chosen, anything goes. I need to plan more out. I know Eren hasn’t been treated well, and hell I wasn’t when my team found out, but I can’t keep this a secret forever. Once the expedition is done, I should talk to Commander Erwin and tell him everything. Explain the outside war, the titans, everything. The sooner he knows, maybe we can start fighting back. And Eren and I, we’d make a great team. Two titan shifters aren’t enough, but it’s a start. My homeland will be open to ally itself with the Walled Cities, and then we can get more titan shifters and win this war. I’m not ready for this, but ready or not, this war is happening._

You and Bertolt sat in silence, silently enjoying each other’s presence. An hour passed and in that time, the titans figured out how to climb. They weren’t good at it, but it was enough of an advancement that one of the team leaders ordered everyone to move up higher. _I’ve never seen normal titans do that,_ you mused, scaling the tree. _Perhaps the Beast Titan’s given them intelligence, if they’re his?_ You sat down on the branch, Bertolt taking a spot next to you. _Then again, I don’t know much about titans, only what they told us in training back home. It’s possible they –_

A sharp screech cut through the air like a knife, stabbing at your ears. You instinctively covered your ears. _Shit! A titan screech? That has to be from the shifter! But –_ You didn’t have time to finish the thought before another scream rose over the loud thundering of the titans’ footsteps. One of the new cadets was falling, his gear controls out of reach. _No!_ You dove off of branch, ignoring Bertolt shouting for you to stop. _I’m going to save someone and this time I’m saving someone for good! Not just giving them an extra five minutes!_ Grappling hooks latched onto a branch, pulling you down faster than a free fall. Your fingers gripped the thick cotton of his cloak and leather collar of his jacket, letting go of one of your controls to grab the soldier. You used everyone ounce of strength you had to throw him up into the air. _I need to grab my control again before I can grab –_

Pain like you had never felt before surged through your body as a titan’s teeth bit into you. You heard a scream that sounded like your own, yet you weren’t sure if it was you screaming or not. White hot agony surged through your blood as you struggled to keep consciousness. _Fuck, I can’t heal this. Not here,_ you bit your lip, tears falling from your eyes as flashes of silver, green, and white hovered over you. _Oh God it hurts! It hurts!_ Nanaba pulled you to safety, laying you on a tree branch. 

“Shit, she’s been bitten! Someone get me something to stop the bleeding!” she yelled, looking frantically to her comrades for help. “She doesn’t have anything missing but she’s losing blood fast!” 

“We need to clean the wounds!” One of Hange’s squad members, Nifa, you vaguely recalled her name, cried. She pulled something out of her bag, joining your side and Nanaba started tearing off your uniform. “This is going to hurt, I’m sorry,” Nifa apologized, twisting off the cap to some antiseptic. 

“Wait, can we put that on her? We don’t know if the wound reaches her organs and I don’t think that stuff should be inside her body!” Nanaba protested. 

“I-I think it’s safe, but I do think something punctured. Maybe my lungs,” you weakly suggested, wincing at the sharp pain as you breathed. 

“I can’t take the chance of leaving her wounds unclean,” Nifa said, pouring the sharp, bitter smelling antiseptic on a rag. The thin cotton quickly soaked up the liquid and she placed it over your wounds. A bloodcurdling scream tore through your throat as pure agony shocked your body and it was the last thing you heard before you blacked out. 

  


Bertolt and Reiner kept their heads low as the Survey Corps rode through town, safely inside Wall Rose after the retreat had been called. 

“She’ll pull through, Bert,” Reiner comforted his friend. “They’re sending her off to get fixed and she’ll be back on her feet in no time.” 

“She was almost eaten by a titan,” he reminded the blond. 

“And thank God Nanaba was able to cut the titan’s jaw before it did any more damage. But [First] will be fine. She’ll get patched up and she’ll be back fighting titans in no time.” _I don’t want her to be fighting titans in the first place,_ Bertolt thought, glancing at the wounded cart. You were lying beside Eren, clothes completely blood soaked. _She’d be better off living as a civilian. Or back in her homeland, if I’m right about her. Which I hope I’m not. That would make things more complicated than they already are._ Even though you were blacked out, he could see the pain on your face. _But then again if she’s a shifter, she’ll be able shake this off easily. Although, she’ll probably have to do it slowly so no one suspects anything. I know that’s what we have to do. And that’s what she’s seemingly been doing, since she healed from those burns too quickly._

_If she’s healed completely by the end of the month, I’ll know for sure whether of not she’s really an enemy titan shifter or not. And I really hope I’m wrong about this._


	15. Chapter 15

Year 842 – Iilani Island, Wame nu Maka. 800 kilometers from the mainland. 

  


A cool breeze cut through the hot, humid air as you lie in a hammock in your dorm. The windows were all open and it was nearly sunset. The faint scent of flowers wafted into the room, wrapping around your face like the gas they used to put you under for surgeries. Even with your stuffed up nose, you could smell the strong flowers and it made your head swim. Floral scents always made you feel sicker than you really were. 

It had been three weeks since you had been chosen for The Initiative and were moved into the military barracks with a few other children. There were thirty other kids in your training class. Ten of them, including you, had been given the prototype titan shifting serum. Four of you were still alive. 

The patter of footsteps bounced off of the hallway walls outside your room and the door opened, revealing a boy’s face. _Great._ He’s _here,_ you thought, sitting up. 

“What do you want, Kyler?” you demanded, giving him a dark look. 

“A few of us were going to go surfing. You in?” he asked as he brushed his black bangs out of his hair. Kyler was one of the few that had received the prototype serum and still alive. Unlike you and the others, he showed no signs of sickness. 

“I’m scheduled for testing in a few minutes. Sorry,” you said without feeling sorry at all. 

“Testing? Ah, that sucks,” he said, sauntering in and sitting in the hammock across from you. “Well, you’re welcome to join us once you’re done. We’ll just be out there,” he gestured towards the sandy strip of land outside your window. 

“I probably won’t be up for it afterwards, but thanks for the offer. You can go now,” you told him. Kyler laughed. 

“Come on, you’ve been cooped up in here for too long. Some fresh air will do you good,” he recommended, getting up and grabbing your arm. You slapped his hand to try and ward him off. 

“I’ve been hanging out on the lanai when I can. And there’s no such thing as no fresh air in these dorms. We don’t have glass on our windows and the shutters are never closed,” you pointed out. 

“You just like to fight, don’t you?” he sighed. _What, and you’re different?_ He stood up and shrugged. “No wonder The Committee chose you to be a part of the Special Forces. But seriously, being a bitch isn’t going to make anyone want to work with you.” 

“No one wants to work with me anyway,” you muttered as he left the room. 

“Oh well. At least your anti-social thing gives me a leg up when it comes to support from our comrades.” He grinned maliciously at you before leaving your dorm. _Fucking ass,_ you silently seethed. _If it’s the last thing I do, I’m going to cream him in rankings. I’m going to rank first and be mission captain._

  


Year 843 - Iilani Island, Wame nu Maka. 800 kilometers from the mainland. 

  


“Thanks to science and our allies on the coast, God rest their souls, we’ve perfected the titan shifting serum. But that doesn’t mean we’ve had a golden road the whole way there. Our coastal allies died because of their involvement with titan shifting, eight of the ten children injected with the prototype serum died, and we’ve had to sacrifice our shifter guests from the mountains in order to get where we are today. But here in front of you are the five most promising trainees we have. And with more funding, we can win this war and save the world. But here is our progress so far.” The audience clapped as the Director paused. He turned his kindly face to you and your four comrades, a warm smile on his face. “Kyler, please step forward. 

“Meet our top-ranking cadet, Kyler Tavian. He’s eleven and currently our oldest recruit as well as our most promising,” the Director introduced him to the crowd. I bet he’s just eating up all that attention, you thought darkly, folding your arms in front of your chest. _I wonder if he’ll try sabotaging my time in the spoplight like he does with our training._ “He was one of the two trainees given the prototype serum and lived. Kyler, please shift into your titan form.” 

“With pleasure, Director,” he said. His brown eyes flitted upwards, double checking that if he shifted he wouldn’t hit the chandeliers that lit up the amphitheater stage. He pulled a knife out of his pocket and quickly ran it across his palm. A flash of light burst from his body and Kyler shifted into his titan form. The sound of enthusiastic applause and a few gasps of awe filled the bowl-like structure, pouring onto the stage like a flood. “As you can see, Kyler is twenty meters tall and he has spikes all along his body for protection. He can remove these spikes and use them as a weapon if needed.” The crowd cheered as he tore off one of his hard spikes and showed it off like it was a trophy. _Fucking show off. Spikes are so useless anyway. Fuck them. And fuck him._

“Our next cadet is the other trainee who survived the prototype serum. [First], please step forward.” You were careful to avoid Kyler’s titan form as he was getting out of it. You stood beside him in a salute. _Time to win over the crowd._ “[First] [Last] is nine years old, the average age for our recruits. She’s highly proficient in combat and has the highest scores in maneuver gear testing. Like Kyler, her titan form also has some tricks up its sleeve. [First], please demonstrate your abilities.” 

You took out a knife, slit your palm, and shifted into your default height. The crowd “oohed” and “ahhed” at your shifting abilities and pride rushed through your body. “When [First] shifts and doesn’t think about it, her titan’s height is fifty meters. Large enough to break Wall Maria and the only Colossal-grade titan we’ve been able to produce. She doesn’t have a good defense mechanism like Kyler or the others, but she has an incredible ability that has proven itself useful time and time again.” _I guess that’s my second cue._ You got out your titan form, quickly climbing down the exposed muscle down to the ground and away from the decomposing titan body. You shifted again, this time focusing on staying small. Your boiling-hot muscles pressed uncomfortably into your skin, pressing on your body and trying to compress you. It was hard to breathe and you were fighting for air. But the crowd was cheering, all eyes were on you and they all loved you. Their adoration made the breathing issue seem petty. 

“[First] is able to change the size of her titan form. After multiple tests, we’ve found fifty meters, her default height, is the tallest she can grow, but as you see her with her five meter form, she can grow to incredibly small sizes. But Kyler and [First] aren’t our only cadets that show promise. Antonia Charleston . . .” You ripped yourself from your titan form, trying to not make it obvious that you were trying to catch your breath, and joined the rest of your comrades in the line near the back. 

“Hey, congrats on not screwing it up. I’m surprised,” Kyler taunted you quietly. You gave him a dark look. 

“And I’m surprised the crowd liked a one-trick pony like yourself. So congrats,” you retorted. 

  


Year 845 – The Plains, on the Mainland. Distance from Wame nu Maka unknown. 

  


“K-Kyler, I think there’s a titan coming,” the red-haired girl said quietly. Five of you were traveling across a grassy plain in the dead of night. In a few miles, you would hit your strong hold and be able to take a quick break for restocking supplies before making the final leg of your journey to the Walled Cities. 

“I don’t see anything,” he replied. 

“I can feel the tremors in the ground. We need to get to the forest so we can use our gear,” she said. 

“We’re not going into the forest. We’re going to lose visibility if we do that. We’re staying on course. I’m sure you’re just feeling your horse traveling over a bump, or something,” he told her. 

“Do we really want to take that chance, Kyler? Yeah, we’ll lose visibility if we’re in the forest but we can barely see right now on the field. If we’re in the forest at least we’ll be able to easily engage our gear,” you argued. 

“We’re not going into the forest. We’re staying on course,” he said stubbornly. 

“You’d rather risk us getting killed than just -” 

“Just shut up, [First]! I’m your captain and I say we’re going to stay on the plains. Got it?” You could feel his dark eyes boring into your skin. 

“You’re an ass, but fine,” you grumbled, looking out into the pitch black night. But as you rode on you could feel the tremors the ginger was talking about. With each meter traveled you could feel it getting stronger and stronger. 

“Shit. I think you were right, Antonia,” Kyler hissed. _Wow,_ now _you’re going to listen to her?_ The sharp sound of metal against metal sounded as Kyler drew his blades. “Get ready to engage!” The tremors and the sound of a running titan became stronger and louder as you all traveled ahead. Shit, where is it? Where is it going to-? 

“ARGH!” Your head snapped towards the direction of Kyler’s scream. By the faint torchlight you could see blood and strips of flesh dropping to the ground. Your stomach dropped. 

“KYLER!” the ginger girl screamed from somewhere on your right. 

“He’s too far gone! We have to keep moving or we’re going to die!” you yelled at her. There was too much blood and strips of flesh flying through the air, mixing with Kyler’s screams of agony. You couldn’t see a way to save him. 

“WE CAN’T JUST LEAVE HIM! HE’S OUR CAPTAIN!” the black-haired girl cried. 

“THAT DOESN’T MATTER! DO YOU WANT TO LIVE OR NOT?!” you screamed back at her. “I’M KYLER’S SECOND IN COMMAND AND I SAY WE’RE LEAVING NOW!” 

“But -” 

“Just go!” you screeched, rawness creeping up your throat. Hoof beats cut through the chilly night air as one, two, and then three horses blindly trudged through the dark night. _Okay, everyone’s going,_ you thought, biting your lip and following them. “Turn right into the forest in a couple of kilometers! We need to reach our safe hold! Get gear ready to engage if need be!” Your heart pounded in your chest as you ran away from Kyler, his screams fading as he slowly died in the hands of a titan and as you fled the scene. 

The forest was surprisingly tranquil and there were no more titan encounters when you reached the old castle used by your people in survey missions to the north. And, if you recalled correctly, it was where infiltration for non-shifting spies was going to be held once the whole team was drafted. The ginger girl cried as you all entered the parlor, plopping down onto the dusty sofa like a ragdoll. 

“Hey, don’t cry, Antonia. There’s a chance Kyler made it,” the blond boy comforted her. “In fact, I’m sure he’s on his way here right now!” 

“Stop feeding her lies. We all know Kyler’s dead,” the black-haired girl said. Antonia cried harder. 

“Look, I know we’ve suffered a loss, but we need to get some rest,” you said, walking towards them. “We’re going to recuperate for a few days here. We’re going to change our sleeping habits and start traveling during the day and sleeping at night.” 

“But [First], titans are really active during the day! Think of all the ones we’ll run into! We’ll all end up like Kyler that way!” the black-haired girl argued. 

“We’re going to run into titans no matter what happens. Traveling at night only works if all titans are sleeping. Which clearly they’re not,” you defended yourself. “All right. How about this? We keep traveling at night through the forest, but at the risk of not seeing any titans or shifters coming at us until it’s too late. Or, we can sleep at night and travel during the day and be able to see oncoming titans better.” The three were silent, brooding over your words. Tension was thick in the air and you knew they didn’t completely trust you. After all, they barely knew you. 

“All right. I’m going up to the dorms and getting some sleep. Good night, everyone,” the blond boy announced, walking out of the parlor and towards the staircase. 

“I’m gonna follow Matthew’s lead and go to bed. I think we all need some rest,” Antonia sniffed, standing up and dabbing her eyes. “Good night Gracie, [First].” 

“Good night,” you and the black-haired girl chimed. Gracie followed Antonia without a word to you, and you waited a few minutes before heading up to bed. You didn’t want to crowd them, or anything. 

There was an empty bedroom with two bunk beds that you were able to call your own. The blankets were surprisingly soft and the mattress was like sleeping on a pillow. _This is really weird,_ you thought, trying to get comfy. After years sleeping on a hammock, a bed like this was foreign to you. With the trees outside, no light came into the dorm room. It was pitch black. The splashes of red blood and creamy flesh danced around the room as you remembered Kyler’s demise. You couldn’t tell what was worse: having to witness his death or having his death so vague because of the darkness that it left so much to the imagination. 

A few tears stung your eyes. _I should have done something. I couldn’t have seen anything, but I should have just tried to save him,_ you thought. _Instead I just left him there and ordered the others to leave. I left him to die. I left my comrade to die._

  


“Hey, [First]. I’m not sure if you can hear me, but I hope you wake up soon. I-I really miss hearing your voice.” 

  


_Kyler died because I didn’t save him. I was selfish and I didn’t even try to rescue him from the titan’s clutches._

  


“We . . . we . . . people are thinking the Female Titan is Annie. I don’t know if it’s true, but given how serious Armin was when he confided in me, I . . . I just don’t know what to think anymore. I really hope you wake up soon, Kitten. Bert and I need company and a few laughs. ” 

  


_No. I did what I had to do. I saved my team. I did what I had to do._

  


“Finally, the nurses are gone. Look, there was this frantic women snooping around yesterday and she’d clearly been poisoned. Or she was crazy from old age, she _did_ look around eighty. But anyway, she claimed she knew you. Hell, she said she even recognized me, which is saying something. She talked about our homes so I guess she was legit. She told me to tell you the government knows you’re inside the walls. She said they didn’t know what your objective was, but that they’ve killed all the agents except for you and her, and clearly she was on her last leg. I think it’s time you go home. Krista and I will come with you. You can’t make that journey alone. But I’m thinking after this whole ‘being sent to the countryside’ shtick, we make a break for it. Between the three of us, we can make it back to my home on the coast and from there we can head to your island and make a new plan. It’s too dangerous here for people like us. Wake up soon, got it? We need to get the hell out of here.” 

  


_I can’t afford to break down. Everyone’s counting on us, on me, to save humanity. Even if it means sacrificing teammates in order to accomplish my objective. Oh God, I’m going to hell because of this! Because of everything I’ve done!_

  


“[First]?” You shot up in bed, chest heaving. Sasha sat on the edge of your bed, hand outstretched as if she was going to touch your shoulder. She quickly retracted her hand. “You’re awake!” 

“How long have I been out?” you asked, becoming painfully aware of a headache pulsing through your head. 

“A few days. You really got injured. But I’m glad you’re awake now! I was getting worried! We all were. Bertolt’s going to be happy you’re awake. He hasn’t been the same since the expedition,” Sasha told you, crawling towards and sitting on your bed beside you. 

“He hasn’t been doing well?” you inquired. 

“Well, I mean he’s okay physically, but he’s been more quiet than usual since we got back from the expedition.” Sasha sighed, but then gave you a large smile. “But hey, we’re going on a vacation so you two will be able to make up for all the lost time then!” 

“‘Vacation?’” you asked, raising an eyebrow. “What do you mean, ‘vacation?’” 

“Yeah, a vacation! The Survey Corps is sending us all to the countryside for a few days. Squad Leader Hange said it was because the rookies were worked so hard during the expedition that they needed a good rest. She said we’ll be gone for a week or two.” 

“Huh,” you replied. “I think that’d be nice. Just a few weeks to rest in southern Wall Rose. We certainly need it after that expedition. I’m not ready to face another titan again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So just a sidenote, the Reader's homeland has Hawaiian (and Athenian, but that won't be apparent till later) influences, but it's not meant to be Hawaii or any of the islands in the Pacific. There is loose influence but not the actual thing.


	16. Chapter 16

“That’s a fine plan and all Ymir, but how the hell are we going to get to the coast? We’re under constant watch by the Survey Corps and we don’t have access to horses and our gear.” 

“I can shift, carrying you and Krista to and up the walls. There may be some horses outside Wall Maria that we can get and use to make our way to the coast.” 

“But what if there aren’t any horses? And what happens when we run into titans? We can’t shift and take titans out every time we see one. I think we’re better off if we wait until all of this has blown over and on our next expedition we escape,” you said. The two of you were in your dorm room, talking while the other girls were away bathing. 

“No shit that’s the ideal situation, but we don’t have that. If the government knows about you, they know about me. We need to get out of here now; we can’t just wait for ideal conditions. I can travel through trees well and if you can do what you say you do, I’m sure you can too. If we travel through forests, we’ll be fine,” Ymir argued. You sighed and with a shrug, averted your gaze to the floor. 

“I just think that now isn’t the right time,” you admitted. 

“What do you mean, it’s not the right time? You’ve already had an attempt on your life and we’re for certain people are out to kill us! We need to leave,” Ymir exclaimed, gold eyes staring daggers at you. 

“If we leave now we risk losing the Walled Cities as allies in the war. We have to stay and figure out a better plan,” you insisted. 

“You know what, [First]? I think you’re more concerned about staying here because you don’t want to leave Bertolt,” she accused you, folding her arms in front of her chest. 

“What? That’s not why I -” 

“Admit it. You don’t want to leave because you don’t want to leave him behind!” 

“So what if I don’t want to leave him! You don’t want to leave Krista! Hell, we’re even bringing her with us!” you exclaimed, eyes flashing with anger. _I can’t believe she’s trying to deride this by saying I’m only concerned for Bertolt! How dare she,_ you silently fumed. 

“We need to keep Krista safe! Look, it’s not my place to tell you her secret, but if I’m right then we need to keep her safe!” Ymir told you. 

“You expect me to trust you without any information?” you asked incredulously. “I love Krista and I don't mind bringing her along, I really don’t. But if you want to bring your girlfriend with us to keep her safe then I should be able to bring Bertolt. But that’s not my point. I think as long as we’re with the Corps, we’re -” 

“Is everything all right you two?” Mikasa interrupted the argument, walking into the dorm room. Ymir’s gold eyes caught yours. Giving her a hate-filled glare, you nodded. You pushed past Mikasa and didn’t bother to look back at Ymir. 

“Yeah, Ymir and I were done anyways,” you told Mikasa coldly. 

  
  


Life on the secluded base wasn’t the worst, but it could have been a lot better. It was great not having to train and work out everyday, but sitting around doing nothing got boring very quickly. Hide and seek was no longer fun, chess was a bore, hell even sneaking off with Bertolt was starting to lose it’s fun and illicit feel. You sat beside him as he played chess with Reiner, the table full of your friends as you spent another boring day making the time go by. 

_God, I can’t believe Ymir thinks I should just go with her plan,_ you fumed. _There’s a war going on and she thinks we need to leave? We’ll be heading into the fray and we’ll be leaving everyone here defenseless and clueless._ Your eyes narrowed as you glared at the chessboard as if were the root of your problems, watching as Bertolt claimed one of Reiner’s pawns. _Once we’re back to the main base and all of this blows over, I’m going straight to Commander Erwin and warning him about the war. Maybe I could even help create an alliance between them and my village. Or maybe that’s just wishful thinking. I doubt anyone will be thrilled when I out myself. I just -_

“I told you, I heard footsteps!” Sasha’s sudden shrill yelling jerked you out of your daze. You bolted up from your slumped position and looked at her quizzically. Connie was looking at her with exasperation. Clearly, he wasn’t buying it. 

“Sasha, calm down. I don’t think -” 

“I know what I heard, Connie! I heard footsteps!” Sasha insisted, hysteria dawning on her face. _Titans? In Wall Rose? Is Sasha right?_ You furrowed your brow and looked out the window. _I don’t see anything. But could the Colossal Titan really have returned so quickly? Unless they joined the Garrison, and then they have access to the wall. But hasn’t been that long since Trost’s wall was attacked. Is the Colossal Titan really returning so quickly?_ Before you could answer yourself, a figure appeared at the window. Sasha quickly opened the window for Nanaba, letting her inside. 

“Is everyone in here? We’ve spotted some titans heading this way!” she alerted everyone. Apprehension rose in the room like a fog. Your stomach dropped to the floor. ”There’s not enough time for you all to get into your gear. Go to the stables, get on your horses, and get ready to evacuate!” Without another word, she vanished, gear engaged and seemingly heading to the rooftop. Chaos broke out, cadets swarming to the door to leave. You stood up quickly, ready to follow when Bertolt grabbed your arm. 

“[First], we need to stay together!” he nearly shouted, face looking more worried than you had ever seen it before. 

“Yeah, of course,” you reassured him, grabbing his hands. “We’ll stick together no matter what.” 

“Stop being in love for five seconds and let’s go!” Reiner said, grabbing both yours and Bertolt’s shoulders and pushing you forward. “We need to get out of here!” 

“Stop killing the moment, Reiner.” You gave him a devilish grin before following his lead out of the room, Bertolt’s hand clasped tightly in yours. _Where are we going to go,_ you wondered as the three of you made it to the stables. _Are we going to retreat to Trost? To Ermich District? And what are we going to do once we get to safety? Get prepared for battle?_ You climbed onto your horse and positioned yourself next to your boyfriend. Once the senior Survey Corps members got their own horses saddled up, all of your started your trek away from the old base. 

“Once we reach the forest, we need to disperse,” Mike Zacharias called back to all of you. “But before we split off we need to make teams. Each team is going to go in one direction, so we’ll have a north team, a west team, you get the idea. Our goal is to go village to village and evacuate civilians. However, the south team will also have to survey the damage down to Wall Rose. Does anyone know this area well?” 

“I do!” Sasha piped up, her hand shooting towards the sky. “I grew up in a village north of here! I know this area very well! And Connie does too!” You had to fight a smirk off your face. Typical Sasha, volunteering other people, you thought with a shake of your head. 

“I’m from a southern village!” Connie admitted. “I can help guide the southern team. But once we’re done with the mission, please let me visit my home! I need to make sure everyone’s okay!” 

“I’m coming with you, Connie!” Reiner shouted. 

“Reiner!” Bertolt yelled in exasperation. 

“I made a promise! I’m helping Connie and joining the southern team!” Reiner told him, an aggressive glint in his golden eyes. “If you don’t wanna come with me, then don’t.” 

“N-no, I’ll come with you guys,” Bertolt said slowly. _Shit,_ you gritted your teeth. _I don’t want to be in the southern team. I don’t want to put myself closer to the titans, but I can’t leave Bertolt._

“I’m coming with you guys!” you told them. 

“[First], you don’t have to,” Bertolt said, concern written on his face. 

“We have to stick together, Bert. Isn’t that what you told me back there?” you reminded him. He remained silent for a moment as if the reality of your decision was sinking in. _What’s going on? Is he backing down from what he said earlier? What gives?_

“Yeah, it was,” he replied, green eyes staring deeply into yours. An uncomfortable shiver ran down your spine; the look in his eyes was unsettling, as if he was looking at a dead body. “Let’s stay together.” 

Bertolt remained quiet and sullen the entire mission. Miraculously you didn’t encounter any more titans, but with Connie hysterical and Bertolt’s unsettling silence the mission didn’t feel like it was going well. _What the hell is wrong with Bertolt,_ you asked yourself as you glanced over to him. He was staring dead ahead with a worried, dark look in his eyes. _What’s he worried about? We’re at risk more than anyone for a titan attack, but we’ve gone through that before so many times. Why is he so on edge now?_ Your [e/c] eyes scanned the area quickly, looking out for any titans lurking in the trees. _And what do we even do if we run into titans? Just leave them to the others with their gear? If we have a large group, we’re screwed. Should I shift and help kill the titans? Should I even risk that?_ The memory of the last time you shifted ran through your mind and a sick nausea surged through your body. _On second thought, I shouldn’t. Besides, we haven’t seen any titans. Maybe the hole in the wall is west or east of where we are._

Ragnako village came into view as the sun started its daily descent. Connie sped past you and Bertolt, taking the lead and hurrying ahead of the group. 

“Connie! Get back here!” Reiner yelled, rushing after him. 

“Doesn’t that just defeat the purpose of calling him back?” you asked Bertolt, glancing over at him. If he heard you, he was ignoring you. “Bertolt, I said something funny. Validate me and laugh.” 

“What?” He jerked up suddenly like he was just now registering what was going on. “I’m sorry, I was spaced out. What did you say?” _Were you really?_

“It doesn’t matter,” you sighed. The rest of your group rushed into Ragnako and you followed them, leaving Bertolt in the dust. _What’s wrong and why is he acting so weird? And why the hell isn’t he telling me anything?! Is he really so scared for our lives that’s he’s acting weird?_ On a small house there was a large titan lying on its back, tiny stick-like limbs sticking out of it’s huge body. _What the fuck? How did that get there? Oh shit, don’t tell me_ he’s _been here!_

“Connie, get back!” Reiner yelled angrily, grabbing the reins of Connie’s horse and pulling him away from the titan. You joined the two, Bertolt at your heels. A swift look around told you the village was trashed - definitely some type of titan attack. _God damn it, don’t tell me this is the Beast Titan’s doing! I’d take an enemy mountain shifter over him any day,_ you thought nervously, looking for some sort of carnage. The village was eerily quiet and although the buildings had damage, there was no blood and gore around to indicate a regular titan attack. _Or maybe everyone fled already. I don’t see any blood._

“That’s my house,” Connie said in a quiet voice, looking at the titan in horror. 

“How the hell could that titan even get there?” Your team leader Gelgar asked, walking around the house. _A faulty shifting serum?_ you answered him in your head. _I’ve seen it happen before. It’s rare but it happened to one of the guys that were with me and Kyler when we shifted the first time. He ended up dying soon after, his body got infected from the serum._

_Or the Beast Titan was here,_ a small, unwelcome voice in your head said. You tried to ignore it but a sick feeling started to bubble in your stomach. 

“[Last], Braun, come with me. We’re searching the area,” one of the senior Corps members, Lynne, called out to you two. 

“Yes, ma’am,” you shouted back. You got off your horse and joined her. Reiner gritted his teeth but obeyed, joining you and the three of you started scouting the ruins for titans, survivors, or corpses. 

“I can’t believe all of the damage here,” Lynne said in amazement. “I think it’s safe to assume a group of titans, not just one, came through this area. There’s no way one or two could inflict this much damage.” 

“Probably. Maybe the titans we encountered back at base came through here on their way to us,” you suggested. 

“That’s very likely,” she replied. “But I just can’t believe how badly destroyed this village was. At least we haven’t seen any blood yet. That means we might have some survivors. Although, our surroundings seem to indicate otherwise.” 

“Perhaps it was some abnormals?” you shrugged. “If they aren’t normal it could explain why there’s no blood or limbs lying around. Maybe they ate the villagers whole.” 

“Do you really think that’s possible?” Reiner asked, giving you a questioning look. 

“I don’t see why not. We don’t know that much about titans. It’s entirely possible that certain deviants eat humans whole. Isn’t there some legend about that happening with a pregnant woman or something? She was eaten whole and some soldiers were able to save her baby?” 

“It rings a bell but I’m not completely sure,” Lynne said, an uneasy look on her face. “But I think you may be onto something. Deviants with strange eating habits isn’t very likely but I can’t see anything other than that happening unless everyone already fled.” 

“I’m sorry, [First]. You know I think you’re smart but I really don’t think titans eating people without some carnage is possible,” Reiner said. You shrugged. 

“Whatever. We’re all just shooting into the wind, aren’t we? We don’t have enough evidence to make a strong claim about what happened here either way.”

By the time you three made it back to the entrance of Ragnako, the sun was nearly done setting and a few of your fellow scouts were preparing torches for nighttime travel. The titan you’d all seen earlier was still lying on top of the house. It hadn’t moved an inch since you left. Not that you expected it to. 

“Did you guys see anything?” Bertolt asked, hurrying towards you and Reiner. 

“The buildings are trashed, but no sign of corpses or survivors,” you informed him. 

“We didn’t see anything either,” Bertolt replied, his lips curling into a frown. Reiner’s dark look grew even worse, looking as if he was going to break down at any moment. 

“Connie!” Reiner shouted suddenly, running towards your friend. He was standing in front of the ruins of his house, a few torches cradled in his arm. “Have you seen any survivors?!” 

“No,” Connie replied. The tears and clear despondency written on his face pulled at your heart strings. You bit your lip and looked towards the ground. _Shit! Is everyone really dead? Or worse, a titan? I don’t want to believe the Beast Titan’s been through here, but all of the evidence adds up to him coming through here and turning everyone into titans . . ._

“None of this makes sense,” Gelgar shook his head in disbelief. He looked up, glancing from soldier to soldier. “All the buildings are destroyed but has anyone actually seen corpses?” A few “no’s” came from the small group, but the majority of your fellow soldiers remained silent, simply shaking your heads. 

“Then . . . then everyone must have escaped!” Lynne blurted out, trying her best to put on an optimistic and brave face. “There’s no blood and no dead bodies, so everyone must have ran away and they’re all safe! They’re probably all inside Wall Sina right now!” _I doubt it,_ you thought involuntarily, your stomach feeling sicker and sicker by the second. 

“Are the torches ready? We need to leave assess the damage down to Wall Rose,” Gelgar disregarded her outburst. You and Reiner walked to your horses, Bertolt and Connie at your heels. Connie handed you a torch and you mumbled your thanks. 

You had just gotten onto your house when you heard a raspy, vaguely female voice behind you. You didn’t catch the words, but a swift look behind you confirmed no one else was behind you besides Connie and the titan lying on the house. _Oh my God, it talked,_ you thought in horror, looking at its grotesque smiling face as you rode away. _Only a few deviants, shifters, and new titans can do that. That means . . . oh fuck. He’s already made it here?!_ Fear shot through your body like a bolt of lightning, locking up your joints and making the nausea in your stomach get even worse. Your lungs felt like they were being squeezed in a vice, leaving you gasping for air. _Shit, he_ has _been here! The Beast Titan’s here! The Walled Cities are in no way ready to participate in the war or fight him off! He can’t be here, he can’t be here, we’re not ready, if he’s here we’re all dead! Everyone’s dead!_ Your head was feeling horribly dizzy, blurring the world as you struggled for breath. You could hear multiple voices but not what they were saying. _We’re going to be turned into titans and slaughtered! We’re all dead! We’re dead we’re dead we’re dead we’re dead we’re dead we’re dead!_ Hot, acidic vomit shot out of your stomach, narrowly missing your horse’s head. 

“[First]?!” Bertolt’s words finally registered with you; you weren’t sure how long he’d been calling your name. His horse was beside you, his hand reaching for yours. “[First], slow down your breathing! You’re hyperventilating!” _Oh God, these are going to be my last moments with him! We’re going to die! We’re going to die and we’ll never get married, or have kids, or see our friends again! It’s over! It’s all over!_

“Cadet, can you hear me?” Lynne was on your other side. You nodded slowly, the world still feeling horribly blurred and your head uncomfortably dizzy. “Cadet, I need you to breathe slowly. Hoover, has she ever done this before?!” she shouted to your boyfriend. _This is it. I’ve failed the Walled Cities. Everyone’s doomed. Everyone back home is doomed. I’m a failure! I’ve lost both of the places I love! I’ve failed and everyone’s going to be dead because of me!_

“No, this is the first time she’s done this!” he shouted back. “[First], take some slow, deep breaths! If you keep breathing like you are you’re going to pass out!” 

“What’s going on?!” Gelgar yelled, glancing back at the rear of the formation. 

“[Last]’s having a panic attack or something!” Lynne shouted back. “Keep going on! We’re going to slow down a bit but we’ll catch up!” Gelgar said nothing in response. The three of you slowed down until you came to a stop. 

“Hoover, ride with her until she calms down! I’ll give your horse to Braun in the meantime! When she can safely ride alone, let me know and I’ll help you change back! In the meantime, [First], slow down your breathing. Please.” Bertolt remained silent, but as you felt him haul himself onto your horse and grab the reins from you, you figured he had heard her order. The two of you sprinted back to the group. You tried to slow your breathing down, inhaling a lot and very slowly. With the wind hitting your face you became vaguely aware that your face and eyes were very wet. 

“Keep that up,” Bertolt’s voice encouraged you. “Slow down. The sooner your breathing gets back to normal, the better. Just calm down. It’s going to be okay. It’s all going to be okay. You’re safe with me.”


	17. Chapter 17

Despite his frosty attitude at the beginning of the mission, after your episode while riding he’d gone back to the old Bertolt you knew and loved. The two of you sat with the rest of the Survey Corps in an abandoned castle. Utgard, you think you heard someone call it. The night was dark and cloudy. You were exhausted beyond belief and currently cuddling against Bertolt, trying to sap as much of his body heat off him as you possibly could. You had gotten over whatever overcame you by the time you reached the castle but a sick and tired feeling lingered.

Lynne and Gelgar had talked to you privately once you had reached the castle. They had asked if you’d seen anything that caused you to lose it, but you insisted you hadn’t. After all, that was true. _I just wish I could have told them the full truth,_ you thought, eyes glancing at Gelgar from across the room. _It would have made things so much simpler._ You’d lied to them and told them you were just scared about dying, and although they bought it, the guilt of having to lie lingered in your heart. 

“You should try and get some sleep, [First],” Bertolt said, looking down at you. You shrugged. 

“I don’t think I can sleep right now,” you replied. Too much on my mind, you finished silently. 

“We’re going to have a long day tomorrow,” he pointed out. 

“I know,” you nodded. “Bert, what was wrong earlier?” 

“What do you mean?” 

“You were acting funny earlier today.” 

“I’m just worried is all,” he answered. You wanted to believe him, but his words didn’t feel right. _But why would he lie about this,_ you wondered. Burrowing into Bertolt’s side more, your buried your face in his thick wool sweater. _Maybe I’m just on edge. Maybe I should just calm down and start trusting him more._ The loud clacking of boots against stone made you jerk up as you watched Lynne run down the stairs. 

“Everyone, roof, now!” she yelled. _Oh God, what’s going on,_ you thought, your brow furrowing. Bertolt helped you up and you joined the crowd bolting up the stairs. The moon shined brightly on your surroundings, revealing the several titans swarming the area. _God damn it. This isn’t good,_ you thought, your stomach dropping to the floor. 

"What in the world is going on?" Krista wondered aloud, looking at all of the titans surrounding the castle. 

"Maybe it's a new breed of titan," you suggested weakly. _This has the Beast Titan written all over it but can he really create nocturnal titans,_ you wondered. _Or is this really the work of the mountain villagers? They are into crazy experimentation, after all. I wouldn't put it -_

"What's that over there?" Connie asked loudly, pointing towards the Wall. You turned to look and felt the blood drain from your body. The Beast Titan, tall and covered with thick brown fur, walked towards the Wall, paying no attention to the chaos at Utgard. Your heart was racing like you'd had to sprint a mile and a scream was bubbling painfully in your throat. 

"[First]?" Bertolt asked tentatively, his hand gently resting on your trembling shoulder as he noticed your fear. But before you could open your mouth a sharp pain accompanied with a sharper sound cut through the air. 

"Get a hold of yourself!" Ymir cried as your hand tenderly touched the cheek she'd slapped. "We can't afford to let you lose your marbles right now. Suck up whatever's going on with you and deal with it." 

"Hey! Don't hit her!" Bertolt said angrily, chest puffing out like a bird fluffing its feathers. 

"Well she's not going to calm down with you babying her!" she argued with him. Her eyes found yours. "It's just a titan. You've faced them before. It's not this big of a -" The tower trembled as a titan slammed its body into the heavy stone walls. You and Bertolt grabbed each other and tried to stabilize yourselves. _God, this day can't get worse,_ you thought as you gritted your teeth. 

"Engage your gear! We need to fight back!" Nanaba declared. 

“Stay up here while we take care of them,” Lynne instructed the six of you before she joined the rest of her comrades in battle. 

“That’s a lot of titans. I hope they’re able to pull through,” Krista said worriedly, looking down at the soldiers. 

“It’s the Survey Corps, Krista. They’ll get through it and we’ll be fine,” Ymir blew off her concern. _They_ are _certainly talented,_ you thought as you watched the soldiers fight off the titans. It could have been an art, the way they soared through the air. It was mesmerizing to watch them kill titans. Lynne mowed one down before stopping abruptly. She flew up to the roof of the tower with frantic worry painted on her face. 

“Titans have breached the castle!” Lynne told you all urgently. “Set up some barricades and make sure they stay out! Come back up here as a last resort only! Go!” The six of you obeyed her, running down the staircase. _God, why is this happening? Why?!_ You fought back a sob as you surveyed the broken door that had previously kept you safe. 

“I’m going to go and see if there’s anything we can use downstairs,” Reiner announced, leaving before anyone could stop him. 

“Start grabbing as many materials as you can!” Ymir ordered as you all scrambled through the castle. 

“And grab some weapons! We have no idea if titans made it in and we can’t afford to be unprepared if they did!” you added, barging into a spare room. There were a few boxes filled with canned food lying around. _This’ll work well,_ you thought. The box was felt it like was loaded down with bricks rather than canned goods. Your body swayed under the weight but you managed to haul it into the main room, dropping it with the empty crates, wooden boards, a cannon, and broken chairs that would make up the barricade. 

“You have a weapon, right [First]?!” Krista asked as she dumped a few chunks of wood into the pile. 

“No, I don’t. Nanaba confiscated my knives when we got to the old base,” you told her. Krista dug into her boot and pulled out a small knife, thrusting it into your arms. 

“I found this here. You’d do better with it than me,” she said. 

“Are you sure? I’m fi-” A loud yell resonated through the room, stopping you in your tracks. 

“Guys, help! There’s a titan down here!” Reiner shouted urgently. Bertolt seemed to appear out of nowhere, sprinting across the room carrying a pitchfork and running down the stairs to his friend’s aid. You put the knife into your boots for safe keeping. 

“Get the cannon! We can block the door with it!” Ymir shouted, running to the bulky piece of weaponry. “Start pushing!” You joined her, Connie, and Krista and the four of you pushed the cannon. Even with wheels, it was heavy and you kept finding your feet slipping out from under you. 

“Bertolt! Reiner! Get out of the way! We’re rolling this shit down the staircase!” Ymir screamed. The two boys looked up at her briefly before quickly dodging out of the way. “Fucking _push!”_ Your muscles screamed in pain as you shoved the cannon with all the strength you could muster. The cannon rammed into the titan, knocking it onto it’s back and pinning it under the hard iron and dense wood. 

“Shit, that was close,” Connie sighed. He clutched his head as if the whole ordeal gave him a headache. _Like I can blame him,_ you thought. _That was too close._ “You think we should try and kill it? I only have a knife.” 

“It’s too risky,” Reiner replied. “It’s not going to be leaving soon so what’s the point?” 

“Let’s go back upstairs and work on the barricade,” Ymir said, she and Krista taking the charge back up the staircase. 

“Good idea, Ymir,” Krista said. “We don’t know if any other titans have made it inside.” Movement in your peripherals made you turn your head to see another titan climbing up the staircase, around its defeated companion, and right up to Connie. 

“CONNIE, BEHIND YOU!” you screamed, reaching for your knife and running down the stairs. Before you could make it to him Reiner pushed him out of the way. The titan clamped onto Reiner’s bicep, making the burly soldier howl in pain. Despite the incredible pain he must have been feeling, Reiner hauled the titan onto his shoulders and walked towards the window. 

“Reiner, what are you doing?!” Connie asked, following him up the stairs. “Are you going to jump out with the thing?!” 

“There’s nothing else I can do!” Reiner replied fiercely. 

“Hold on! If I can cut its jaw you don’t have to jump out to kill it!” Connie said, jamming his knife into the titan’s face. It let go of Reiner and stumbled back onto the window ledge, sitting down as if dazed. Ymir and Bertolt shoved it out of the window, watching as it fell to the ground. 

Connie and Krista wasted no time barricading the door shut while you ran up to the main level of the castle and barricaded the main entrance into the castle, adrenaline uncomfortably surging through your veins as you built up a new barricade in front of the broken front door. _God, what if more got in? We’re basically trapping ourselves in here. If more titans are here, we’re screwed,_ you thought as you dragged some crates into front of the gaping hole where the door used to be. A loud boom and vibrations rocked through the tower, sending you to the ground with a hard thud. _Fuck! What was that? Why can't this all just stop?!_

“Shit! Get to the roof! We need to get out of here!” Connie yelled as he passed you, wasting no time in sprinting up the stairs. Bertolt helped you to your feet and the rest of you retreated to the stairs. Part of the roof was missing and Lynne and Henning laid on the ground, clothes soaked in blood. 

“What happened?!” Connie demanded. 

“A boulder came flying out of nowhere. Be on guard,” Nanaba warned you all. _A boulder? How?_

_The Beast Titan, of course,_ a small voice in your head answered for you. Nanaba and Gelgar went off to fight the rest of the titans. And while you’d had high hopes for them pulling through, after felling a few of the titans they were captured and killed by the beasts. _Could I possibly take them all out,_ you wondered as you tried to block out Nanaba’s screaming. _God, if only I had Kyler’s spike ability. Just shoved a few into their necks and that should be enough. I could try biting out their napes but that’d take up a lot of time and they’d put up a struggle._

“Shit! Is the only thing we can do is sit around and wait to die?!” Connie exclaimed, sinking onto the cold stone roof. “We were so close to finishing our mission but we’re going to die instead of completing it. I just wish our deaths meant something.” _That's right, isn't it? We don't have any useful weapons and it'd be naive to think help's on the way. It looks like this is where we're going to die._

“Life’s not fair, I guess,” you shrugged. Bertolt’s fingers curled around yours. His hand felt warm and comforting despite the fact this was probably going to be the last time you ever held his hand. _And to think I was bored with sneaking around with him,_ you thought with a grimace. _What I wouldn’t give to be back on base, safe and sound. I should have listened to Ymir. We should have ran out while we could. I'm not going to complete my mission. I'm just going to be another casualty. I'm not going to be a hero. I'm just going to be a footnote in history._ “At least we’ll see our friends soon," you said quietly, trying to find some comforting thought. "I don’t know about you guys but I’ve really missed Marco and it’ll be good to see him again.” 

“Don’t talk like that, Kitten,” Reiner said. “We don’t know we’re going to die.” 

“What other options do we have?” you asked him. “We can’t fight. Connie and I are the only ones with weapons and even if we fought back, we’re outnumbered. We’re fucked and you can’t argue we aren’t.” He said nothing, only looking away from you. Krista sighed as she looked down at the remaining titans. 

“I wish we had our gear,” she said. “Then we could fight back. I don’t want their deaths to be in vain. If I could fight I could at least die avenging their deaths.” 

“Are you fucking kidding me?!” Ymir nearly shouted at the blonde. “You’re _still_ going on about that? Do whatever you want Krista, but don’t use their deaths as an excuse to go and kill yourself!” 

“That’s not what I was saying!” Krista defended herself. 

“Oh really?” Ymir folded her arms in front of her chest. You’d never seen her this mad and it frightened you to see the normally collected Ymir so enraged. “Then what were you really saying, then?” Krista remained silent, looking to the ground. “Don’t you remember the promise we made when we were still in training?” The air was thick with tension as Ymir glared at the silent Krista. _God, what kind of nerve did Krista hit for Ymir to be so pissed,_ you wondered. “Connie, do you still have that knife you found down in the castle?” 

“Yeah, why?” he asked. 

“I need to borrow it for a moment. I’m going to go fight,” she replied. _Ymir, don’t be doing what I think you’re going to do._

“Ymir,” you said warningly as Connie handed her the knife. Her dark glare shut you up. 

“Krista, like I said, I can’t tell you how to live your life. But I want you to live for yourself instead of others. At the very least, please tell me you’ll live out the promise you made to me in the mountains.” 

“Ymir?” Krista’s brow furrowed as her girlfriend took a few steps back and charged towards the edge of the tower. You called out for her but she didn’t stop, running up and over the parapet of the tower. A bright flash of lightning struck the air and although you couldn’t see her you knew she’d shifted. _God damn it, Ymir! I can’t believe you’d do that!_ All of you rushed to the edge and looked down, watching as a small black-haired titan attacked the opposing titans. Bertolt’s body tensed beside you and his grip on your hand became vice-like. 

“Bertl?” you asked, looking up at him. From the other side of him you could see Reiner looking equally as horrified. 

“It’s her,” Reiner mumbled. “It’s the titan that killed Marcel.” _The what now?_ You wanted to ask him what he meant but from the way he looked, you figured it’d be best to keep quiet. 

“Krista, did you know Ymir was a shifter?” Connie inquired. 

“I had no idea,” she replied. “She never told me. I can’t believe it. We were together for years and I never even suspected it.” 

“How were you supposed to know?” you asked her. “It’s not like she gave any hints or anything.” 

“Don’t beat yourself up about it,” Reiner advised her. “Kitten’s got a point. Ymir said nothing and stayed low.” His gold eyes narrowed at Ymir’s titan form. “She should have did what Eren did and let her power benefit humanity,” he added resentfully. 

“Maybe she couldn’t do that,” Bertolt suggested, a spine-tingling cold edge in his voice. “Maybe she had orders against telling anyone.” 

“Ymir isn’t like that! She’s not working for anyone!” you blurted out, putting aside your current feelings about her and defending her. “She’s here on her own! She’s not an enemy shifter and she’s not a threat!” 

“What, did you know?!” Reiner demanded. 

“So what if I did? Ymir may be a bitch but I trust her and I know she’s not affiliated with anyone other than humanity. So get off your high horse and be thankful that someone’s putting their neck on the line to save the rest of us.” 

“Why didn’t you say anything about this? You’re a smart girl and I have a hard time believing you kept quiet just because of trust,” Reiner said, notes of accusation staining his words. Your [e/c] eyes shot daggers at him. 

“I said nothing because I trust her and I never thought she’d actually come out and help as titan,” you told him coldly. “If you think I don’t value trust and I don’t act on it then you don’t even know me.” 

“I guess I don’t know you then,” he said just as coldly. The tower shook and drew your attention back down to the battle. Ymir had slowed down and injuries were scattered over her tiny body. The titans seemed to be working together to take her down. _Damn it, with all those titans Ymir’s seriously outnumbered and outmatched,_ you observed, watching as she struggled against the titans. _If I could take a few out and make sure they stayed down, I could buy her some time._ Your eyes flickered up to Bertolt. He was entirely immersed in Ymir’s battle with the titans. The thought that this may be the last time you saw Bertolt burned your throat but you tried to put that awful feeling and thought in the back of your mind. _If I can crush a few of them, I can get her some extra time and I can help her take them out. She needs help._

“YMIR!” you screamed, leaning over the parapet. “STAY CLOSE TO THE TOWER! I’M COMING!” 

“Wait, _[First]?!”_ You ignored Bertolt, climbing over the parapet and falling towards Ymir. Pushing off of the tower, you flew forward a few feet to where you needed to be. _Thirty meters should do the trick,_ you thought. You bit into your hand and the familiar feeling of expansion surged through your senses. A few titans collapsed under the weight of your body but the titan you had counted on to cushion your head moved at the last second. Your head slammed into the hard ground, hellish pain flooding your senses. _Shit, I . . . I . . . fuck._ Your head was pounding like a drum as it spun in painful circles. Darkness was creeping into your mind, bit by bit taking everything away. _No, no I can’t, I need to help Ymir. Ymir needs help._ Your head was spinning like a hurricane and the darkness was eating away at your consciousness. _No, I'm a sitting duck if I pass out. I . . . I . . . fuck. Ymir . . . needs . . . help . . . My friends . . . Ber -_

  


The din of voices shouting brought you from the darkness. You opened your eyes to find yourself in a wagon, Hange Zoe beside you. 

“Squad Leader, what happened?” you croaked, looking to your superior. “Where are we?” 

“We’re at Wall Rose. You and your friends are safe,” she replied. “They said you turned into a titan and leapt off the tower to crush some titans but lost consciousness.” The accusing look she gave you almost stung. 

“Y-yes, I did turn into a titan. I’m a shifter like Eren,” you admitted. “I’m sorry I didn’t out myself earlier. I was scared that anyone other than Eren was going to be treated like Annie and I chickened out, and -” 

“Once Commander Erwin gets here, we’ll talk more about this,” she interrupted you. “You’ve suffered from a bad head injury and you need to rest. There’s nothing personal about this, but we’ll need to restrain you for safety measures.” 

“No, I understand,” you nodded. _Just play cool, play nice, go along with what they want. Putting up a fight isn’t going to help you at all._ The galloping slowed to a halt as the Survey Corps arrived at Wall Rose. Hange’s assistant Moblit left her side, going to you and wrapping your wrists and limbs together. 

“Once all the wounded are up the wall, we’ll lift you up,” he informed you as he knotted the rope tying your legs together. “Since you can’t climb a ladder while bound.” 

“All right. How’s Ymir doing?” you asked. 

“She’ll pull through probably,” he said. He grabbed a piece of cloth and looked at you with an expression like guilt. “Anymore questions before I gag you?” 

“No, go ahead,” you replied, opening your mouth for him. He finished tying the gag as Bertolt rode up to you, worry on his face. 

“[First]!” He nearly fell off his horse in his rush to get to you. “[First], are you okay?” You nodded. “Look, I know you probably think I’m mad at you right now, but I’m not. I’m not mad at you, I'm not upset with you, and I never will be. I still love you even though you're a titan shifter, Kitten. I still love you.” You leaned in towards him, letting his arms wrap around your body as you nuzzled the crook of his neck. _He’s too good for me,_ you thought as relief relaxed your body, tears starting to well up in your eyes. _I’m never going to deserve his love. Never._

“Break it up, guys. Get on the wall, Hoover. As far as we know, there are still titans on the ground,” Moblit instructed. _Well of course. I’m still on the ground,_ you thought with a smirk, but nevertheless looked to the horizon to see if any enemy titans were coming. Bertolt gave your shoulder a quick squeeze before heading up the ladder. 

True to Moblit’s word, after all the wounded had been transported you were lifted onto the wall, positioned under the care of a few senior members while the others ran around to care for the injured or regroup. 

_What’s going to happen to me now,_ you wondered, watching the scenes unfold in front of you. _Am I going to be taken to the courthouse like Eren was? Will Ymir be with me? Or will we be in separate places? Will the Survey Corps even tell anyone about me? After all, there’s only been a few witnesses, it’d be easier to keep me a secret. But then what’ll happen if they keep me a secret? Use me like a weapon like they’ve done with Eren? Or keep me locked up and hidden forever once they get what they want out of me?_ You looked over to Ymir, whose wounds were starting to steam up. _At least she’s healing. We need to reconcile once she’s healed. I -_

“EREN, RUN!” Mikasa’s screaming pierced your ears as if someone stabbed them. _What?! What’s wrong?! What’s going on with Eren?!_ As you struggled to stand up, the entire Corps rushed towards Mikasa. You could hear Bertolt and Reiner crying out as well. _Oh God, don’t tell me Bertl and Reiner have been hurt!_ You finally got to your feet to see Bertolt bleeding profusely from his neck and Reiner’s hand sliced off. _NO! BERTOLT!_ You started hopping towards him, desperate to get to him. _No no no no no no this can’t be happening! Bertolt!_ But before you could reach him, two large lightning bolts struck the wall and before your eyes your boyfriend shifted into the Colossal Titan. 

_Bertolt?_ You were frozen, watching in horror as his large hand came towards you and Ymir. You were a child again, watching as your comrades died in front of you and you did nothing. Bertolt grabbed Ymir and then he reached for you. You could see the titan’s hand coming for you and Matthew, death literally about to grab you. You squeaked and tossed yourself out of his way, fear controlling your body. _Bertl, it can’t be you, it just can’t be,_ you thought as the Colossal Titan’s hands retracted, having to deal with soldiers attacking him. 

_You can’t be him! You just can’t be! This has to be a horrible, horrible dream,_ you told yourself, acidic tears burning your eyes. _He can’t be a shifter. He just can’t be. But . . . it all make sense. Everything makes sense now._

It was all over in a matter of minutes. With their captives Ymir and Eren in tow, Bertolt and Reiner escaped while you were paralyzed with shock, fear, and betrayal, watching helplessly as the love of your life and a traitor to you and humanity ran off towards Wall Maria. _I don’t want you to be the Colossal Titan. I just want you to be Bertolt. But . . . were you ever really him? Were you ever really the guy I loved?_


	18. Chapter 18

Waiting was probably one of the worst feelings in the world. No one bothered to untie you so you sat on the wall, trying to make sense of what had just happened while the Survey Corps and the Garrison regrouped. The last you heard was the Corps were going to go after Eren and Ymir, but they had to wait a while in order to get to the horses up over the wall.

_How could I have not noticed it,_ you thought, looking out towards Wall Maria. _I was with Bertolt for two years and I didn’t figure out he was a titan shifter like me. Was I really so blinded by love that I couldn’t see that my enemy was right under my nose? The person I’ve been competing with since day one, the person that killed Marco and our friends, all along he was right beside me and I had no idea._ The sharp sound of hooves against stone cut through the air as a few Survey Corps members and a ton of horses rode towards you and the rest of the Corps. 

_ What am I going to do during this? I want to go with them but there’s no way in hell that they’d let me go with them, you thought.  Do I even want to go? I don’t know Eren well, but I need Ymir back here and I need to talk to Bertolt about this. _

“Commander Erwin!” one of the vets called out, striding towards him. “Your timing is perfect, sir!” Erwin  got off of his horse and met the soldier halfway, a grim look on his face.

“How’s the situation? Has it changed?” he asked.

“No, sir. It hasn’t changed,” the soldier reported. Crawling towards Erwin, Hange grabbed and his pant leg, tugging on it to get his attention. Her injury had her sidelined, that much was obvious; the poor women couldn’t even stand up on her own, let alone go into combat.

“Hange?” he questioned, looking down at her.

“Hand over the map,” she told him. He obliged, unfurling it and setting it down in front of her. “There's a small forest. I think you should go there. I don't think the Armored Titan would cover his tracks and it's very likely they're going there. It's risky, I know,” she digressed, looking at all of the worried soldiers around her. “Although they're shifters they still have to worry about titans. They're probably tired and need a place to rest that would keep them safe against the titans. They'll stay there until night, when the titans can't move. We need to get there before it gets dark. If we can get to the forest then, we have a chance at saving Eren and Ymir.”

“You heard her. Let’s get a move on. Medics, take care of the wounded,” Erwin said and everyone burst into action. Before he could go, she motioned for him to lean in closer.  _Ah, great. She’s telling him about me,_ you thought. And sure enough, Erwin’s piercing gaze stabbed you as he stood up. 

“Hello, sir,” you greeted him, hoping you didn’t sound nervous. 

“I’ll deal with you once we return,” he said darkly, pulling on your ropes and haling you to your feet. “You two over there!” he called out, motioning for two MPs to come over. “Take her to Captain Levi and tell him I’m putting him in charge of her until I get back. She needs special care,” he instructed them, pushing you towards the men.

“Yes, sir,” one of them said. Of course they didn’t ask questions; this meant they were staying in the safety of the walls. The MPs lead you down into the corridors in the walls, searching for Levi.  _God, he’s not going to beat the shit out of me, is he? He can’t without a good reason, right,_ you wondered as you traveled deeper and deeper into the base until finally the three of you ran into Captain Levi. He gave you a strange look, slightly raising a thin eyebrow in curiosity.

“Sir, Commander Erwin ordered us to hand her over to your custody,” the blond MP said, shoving you towards Captain Levi none too kindly.  Hey, watch it! He caught your shoulders and straightened you up. 

“Why is she tied up like this?” he demanded.

“We don’t know, sir. Commander Erwin just said to bring her to you and that she needs to be in special care,” he shrugged. Levi’s eyes flashed and you knew he was aware of what you were.  _God damn it._

“All right. Go back to pissing off the wall. I’m taking care of her alone,” Levi said. The two MPs said nothing, turning their backs to you and Levi and walking away. As soon as they were out of the hallway, Levi grabbed your shoulders and hauled you down the stairs. You reached some holding cells and he threw you in, locking you in the cell before locking the door to the entire area. “So you’re a monster like Eren,” he drawled. You nodded.

“Yes, I am, sir,” you replied quietly. 

“And you didn’t tell us  why?”

“After seeing the way Eren was treated I got scared. And then with the Female Titan events I was even more scared to come out and tell you all that I was a shifter too.”

“Did you know Leonhart was a shifter?”

“No. I only knew Ymir was and that was just because I figured it out. I didn’t know Annie was, and I didn’t know Bertolt and Reiner were either.”

“Hoover and Braun . . . ?” Clearly, he hadn’t been told. You swallowed and nodded.

“Yeah. They’re the Colossal Titan and Armored Titan,” you told him quietly, still feeling the sting of betrayal.

“Weren’t you and Hoover dating?”

“Yes, we were. But that doesn’t mean we told each other. I didn’t tell him I was a shifter and he didn’t tell me that he was one too.” 

“Sounds like you two weren’t exactly open with each other,” he commented sardonically.

“I’d like to see you come up with a good way to explain this kind of thing to your significant other,” you retorted.

“Touché. So you really had no idea about him?”

“No.”

“So you two aren’t from the same area?”

“Oh, God no. The village he’s from, at least, I’m assuming he’s from this village, they’re enemies of mine.” He raised an eyebrow. 

“Your village has enemies?” he asked.

“It’s . . . it’s complicated,” you admitted. “We’re from outside the walls. After the titans appeared there used to be various villages all around, but as time went on most of them collapsed, either because of titans or corrupt governments. A few decades before I was born, there were only five settlements left, counting the population behind the walls. I come from an island off of the southern tip of this landmass. There was a society on the shoreline that we had a very close relationship with. We were strong allies, but one of their nobility angered this mountain society and they got obliterated. Now there’s only four. And because the mountain people killed most everyone at the shoreline and then attacked us, we got into the war. 

“There’s a huge war going on. It’s every man for himself, basically. Between shifters, titans, and humans. We’ve known about titan shifters for a long time, but we didn’t start making shifter soldiers until I was a little kid. The scientists back home had been working on a serum to turn us into shifters so we could better fight in the war, but whether or not that’ll work, I don’t know. 

“We knew about you all living inside the walls, and unfortunately the big bad in all of this knew too. We don’t know if he’s a shifter or if he’s a just a very intelligent titan, but we call him the Beast Titan and he’s the leader of one of the factions we’re all fighting. He’s ruthless and we don’t know how, but we think he’s able to turn people into titans. 

“Our war is fought with shifters and regular titans. There are ways to control titans, but my village, and the mountain village, we have no clue how to. The Beast Titan’s faction, however, knows how to and they don’t care who they turn into titans. My village has spies and they got word that the Beast Titan, at some time, was going to turn everyone in the walls into titans.

“My leaders back home decided everyone in the walls were not ready to fight in this war and would have no way of fighting back against the Beast Titan. So me and four others were sent here to break the walls. I’m the only one that made it in. One died on the way and the other three were killed during the chaos of Wall Maria falling. We were told the mountain people might be trying to accomplish the same thing so we should be on our toes, and they made it to the wall first. I’ve been here ever since.” Levi was silent for a few minutes, staring at you as if trying to break you down.

“So what you’re telling me is that we’re in the midst of a war and we have only one titan shifter to save us?” he asked.

“Well, you have me too, sir,” you replied.

“I’m not counting you because I don’t trust you,” he told you bluntly. “I have no idea if you’re telling the truth or just spouting shit. You have no evidence to back up what you’re telling me.”

“I know, sir.”

“I’m keeping you down here until Erwin returns and I tell him everything you’ve said.” He stood up and went to the door. “Cadet, if you try and escape, I will catch you and I will kill you on the spot.”

“I understand, Captain.”

With each passing minute you were in the cell, you felt your sympathy for Eren grow. A cell was by far one of the most uncomfortable places you’d ever been.  _Poor Eren. And he has to sleep down in a place like this every night,_ you thought. You had no idea how much time had passed since Captain Levi left you here. All you knew was that you had no idea when he, or anyone else, would come down here. 

_ I wonder if they’ve apprehended Bertolt and Reiner yet. But what would that mean for me? They’d be executed and as enraged as I am, I don’t know if I could bear to watch Bertolt killed in front of me. He deserves it, there’s no doubt about that, but I don’t know how this is going to affect me. And Ymir. Eren will be safe, but what about Ymir and I? Captain doesn’t trust me, which I understand, and I figure no one will trust me or Ymir when word gets out. Will we be executed too? I can’t risk escaping. That’ll make me look guilty of something. My best bet is just staying put until the Survey Corps comes back and they decide what to do with Ymir and I. Maybe if I can convince Commander Erwin, and then my home’s government, if we can be allies in the war, I can save my skin and help save everyone. I just need to figure out how I’m going to convince the Survey Corps and their government that I mean no harm to them.  _

The sharp clack of thick boot soles against the stone floor bounced off the stone walls as someone walked down your hallway.  _Maybe they’re bringing me food,_ you thought, patting your stomach. It’d been too long since your last decent meal. The lock turned to your cell block and the door opened. 

“Hello, [First],” Jean said.

“What are you doing here? You’re going to get in trouble if you’re seen down here,” you told him. “I don’t think I’m supposed to have visitors.”

“I won’t get in trouble if we both stay quiet about this,” he said with a conspiratorial wink.

“Why are you here, Jean?” you inquired, getting straight to business. You didn't want him to be caught down here.

“I figured someone needed to fill you in what’s going on,” he said, pulling up a chair.

“Okay then. Tell me what going on. When did you get back and is everyone okay?”

“We got back a few hours ago. Most everyone’s asleep right now so I decided to take my chances and sneak down here. We . . .” He sighed, putting his head in his hands. “We faced some casualties. But we managed to save Eren.”

“What about Ymir? And are our friends okay?”

“Yeah, we’ll be fine. [First], I don’t know how to tell you this, but Ymir . . . she fought against us.”

“What?” A chill ran through your body, your organs and blood freezing in your body.

“She was aiding Bertolt and Reiner during the fight. She escaped with them.” It felt as if someone had grabbed your heart and ripped it out of your chest.

“She helped them?!” you demanded quietly. He nodded.

“I’m sorry. I knew you two were close. Or something. Love/hate relationship, right?” You nodded. _I can’t believe she’d do that. She betrayed us. She betrayed me. How could she do this?! We were in this together!_ “I just need to know, [First]. It seems like everyone and their brother is a shifter. Ymir, you, and now Berolt and Reiner. Did you know about them?”

“No, they never said anything. I didn’t know until they shifted,” you told him, trying to keep in the tears burning at your eyes and throat. “I knew Ymir was. I found out and, well, I wouldn’t say we were working together, but we stuck together until now.” 

“Were you guys planning something?” he asked.

“I come from somewhere outside the walls and I thought that maybe my people and yours could make good allies and finish off all of the titans. Ymir and I argued about it a lot. I wanted to go to Commander Erwin once our stay in that isolated base was over and talk to him, and Ymir was all for running away to my home with Krista and doing negotiations from there. I thought running away wasn’t the way to go and staying here would be the best and we fought about that a lot,” you explained. 

“Well, I’m glad you stayed. God knows the mess we’d be in without you,” he said, raking his hair with his hand. The faint sound of voices floated into your holding area. Jean swore and stood up abruptly. 

“I need to go before they get here. I’ll try and give you more news when I can,” he said. He gave you a short wave and quickly left the room. A few moments later Captain Levi, accompanied by Commander Erwin and Squad Leader Hange. Levi shut the door as Hange and Erwin grabbed some chairs and sat in front of your cell door.  _Oh my God,_ you thought as you saw Erwin was missing an arm.  _At least he’s alive, but oh my God._

“We want to know everything,” Erwin told you. You obliged, recounting everything. How the war had been going on for decades. How after several attacks your home decided to join the war. You being chosen for the mission. Losing everyone on the way into the Walls. Decided to stray from the plan the Council had given you. Every little detail you could remember, you told them. Hange even took notes; in fact, she seemed to really be enjoying herself.

“So, what’s your titan’s full height?” she asked eagerly once you had finished telling them everything.

“Fifty meters is my maximum height. I can change my height, but I’m not very comfortable in smaller sizes. It’s like the smaller I get, the less room I have inside my titan and the harder it is to move and breathe,” you told her. “We lost the serum that was given to us by our coastal allies. We had notes about it and scientists tried to recreate it. Mostly the prototype serum killed whoever had it. But the ones that survived, me and a few others, it’s defunct. We don’t heal at the same rate Eren does. We heal slower. And if we try to force it, it screws up our body. That’s why my ankle’s kind of messed up,” you explained. “The others in my group got a later version of the serum and they were normal. At least, what I’d call normal. They were on par with Eren.”

“So, where exactly is your home?” Levi asked. “Where are the other villages we need to know about?”

“It’s a few islands southeast of here,” you explained. “I could draw a map, if you want.” 

“I got it,” Hange sad, flipping to a new page in her notebook. “Tell me what to do.” You instructed her, telling her how to draw the continent, the islands, where forests and mountains were. Once it was done, you started pointing out locations.

“The walls are kind of centrally located. At the far south there are some mountains. That’s where Reiner, Annie, and Bertolt are from. East of that, right on the coast was where our allies were located. It’s destroyed now, but my people use some of the towers as lookouts. And then those islands are my home. The Beast Titan is north of us, high up in the mountains right there,” you nodded your head towards the mountain range.

“And you think he’s a shifter?” Levi inquired.

“That’s what my Council thought, but we’re not one hundred percent sure,” you admitted. “I haven’t been in the loop so I don’t know if we’ve found that out or not.” Erwin nodded and motioned for Hange and Levi to join him. 

“I’d like to run some tests on you later,” Hange said as she gathered up her things.

“Okay,” you replied. “I’m sure I can make room for that in my schedule.” Hange laughed, giving you an affectionate smile. 

“You’re a lot funnier than Eren is,” she commented. “We’ll see you later, [First]!”

“Bye,” you replied, giving her a small wave. As soon as they were out of earshot, you started crying. You had never felt so alone in your life.

And so the testing and waiting began. Hange came and visited you several times during the next few days, taking blood samples and conducting tests. You never shifted for her, but you prefered it that way. If you did it’d be a big affair and you weren’t feeling up to that. Erwin and Levi visited too, getting more information from you and asking several odd questions. You figured they were trying to figure where your loyalties were and you answered truthfully. After all, if you answered in a different way they’d have a reason to distrust you and that was the last thing you wanted. 

A week passed when, once again, the three came into your holding cell. Erwin dragged a chair over and sat right in front of you. 

“We’ve conducted some research and we’ve done several interviews with your fellow cadets. We are deciding to trust you for the time being,” Erwin began. Delicious relief relaxed your entire body at his words.  _Oh, thank God!_ “But let me make it clear: one wrong move and we will take you out without any hesitation.”

“I understand, sir.” He stood up, pacing the room.

“You mentioned earlier you think your hometown would team up with us to fight off the Beast Titan?” he asked.

“I’m sure they would, sir,” you told him. 

“If we wanted to, how would we get in touch with them?” 

“Our intelligence agency used carrier pigeons, sir. We had a secret base located in southeastern Wall Rose. Whether or not there are still pigeons there, I don’t know. But if there are, they’d be able to fly back home and send your propositions to the Council,” you told him. 

“Would we need to have you write it in your native tongue?”

“No. The Council knows your language. You should be fine.” He thanked you and left with Hange and Levi. There was no sign of them for a few more days and then late one night Hange came in alone, a bag in her hands.

“This is a little late for an examination, isn’t it?” you asked her as she let herself into your cell. 

“I’m not here on business,” she told you. “Well, I mean I am, but not scientific business.” She started undoing the ropes keeping you bound. It felt like your skin could breathe again, relishing the feeling of nothing against your skin. 

“Why are you untying me?” you asked. “I thought I was going to just stay down here until I died or I had a purpose to the Corps.”

“You have a purpose,” Hange informed you, removing the last of your binds. She handed you the sack. A quick peek inside showed that it was full of your clothes and some supplies. “We’re sending you and a few soldiers back to your hometown.”

“Why? I thought Commander Erwin wanted to communicate with them via -”

“Erwin thinks person-to-person communication would be more efficient,” Hange explained.  _That doesn’t make sense. Why are they sending me home? Do they want me to leave the Walled Cities? Why?_

“I’m confused. Squad Leader, what’s going on?” you asked.

“You’re leaving with a few other soldiers for your home. You’ll do alliance negotiations from there,” she repeated herself.  _Why are they keeping me in the dark? Is there something else going on here?_

“All right. Are we leaving right now?” you asked her as she motioned for you to follow her out.

“Yes. Everyone’s waiting for us.” She took off in a run and you followed her down several hallways and up too many staircases. Your heart was pounding as you reached the other soldiers on top of the wall. The sun was just beginning to rise. The sky was a beautiful dark lavender color. It was still dark, but there was just enough light to see. If any titans came near you, you’d be able to fight. The area was completely empty except for you eight. Erwin and Levi stood with a few other soldiers you assumed would be your teammates. A few horses were on a lift, ready to be sent over the wall. 

“Remember, brat, they’ll kill you if you make a wrong move,” Levi said as you approached him and Erwin. 

“Sir, what’s our objective,” you asked your commander, ignoring Levi.

“Get to your home safely and the soldiers accompanying you will start alliance negotiations,” he said. 

“Sir, we’re ready,” one of the girls in your team called out.

“Good. Get ready for departure,” he instructed. Hange grabbed your shoulders and gently pushed you towards the lift. 

“Go get on your horse and be careful out there,” she told you.  _None of this makes any sense,_ you thought as Erwin and Levi lowered you all down the edge of Wall Rose.  _Why would they be sending me home? Do they think I’m better off there? Why wouldn’t they just kill me? Maybe this is all a ruse and these soldiers will just kill me outside the walls. But no, that doesn’t make sense. It’d be easy to make me disappear within the walls. But why does Commander Erwin want us outside? And why is he sending me with them?_

You sighed shortly and once the lift hit the ground, your team was off. It was obvious you were being kept in the dark. But about what, time would tell. All you knew for certain was that you were going home.   



	19. Chapter 19

The air turned colder and the marine layer frosted the atmosphere like icing on a cake as your team got closer and closer to the coast. After a week of traveling, you were almost there. It had been so long since you had been here and it felt good to return. You weren’t sure what you were going to tell the Council yet, but you hoped they would be understanding about the situation. And if would feel good to know everything that was going on. If the others knew what Commander Erwin was planning, they didn’t tell you. The feeling of being left in the dark made you sick to your stomach, but you felt relieved to be coming home and soon find out what was happening.

The marine layer wasn’t very thick, but it was enough to block out the sun. That suited you just fine; God knew you’d gotten enough sunburns for a lifetime during this journey. The first thing you wanted to do when you got home was see your parents and then put something on your skin to heal it. Slowly the giant wall that once protected the coastal village came into view. You weren’t sure if they were made with titans or not, but you imagined they weren’t. They looked man-made, rock upon rock cemented together and built thick to last centuries. You certainly knew the fixes to the wall had been man-made. Your parents had told you about working on fixing the wall after the mountain village attacked. 

Shouting cut through the marine layer as the soldiers manning the wall noticed the five of you approaching, the noise almost like music to your ears. It had been far too long since you heard your first language. The gate slowly opened, allowing your team to pass through into the safety of the ruins of the coastal village, which now served as a base for people. Your comrades murmured, taking in the strange sights and sounds. Of course, they wouldn’t know the language. _I guess I’ll have to play translator during this trip,_ you thought. You got off of your horse as a few soldiers approached you, their hands on their weapons. 

“Wait, how do they have maneuver gear?” one of your teammates, Lucy, asked. 

“We got it from you guys,” you explained. “We’ve had spies in the walls for a while.” 

“That’s not reassuring,” Jacob commented sardonically. You shrugged, eyes watching the other soldiers. You saluted them, muscle memory urging you to do the Walled Cities’ salute instead. _This is going to get some being used to._

“I’m Elite Cadet [First] [Last], officers,” you spoke to them in your mother tongue. “I was sent to the Walled Cities in order to wipe out humanity. I’ve come back.” 

“I know her. My daughter was a part of this team. She’s definitely from the islands,” a man spoke up. Immediately your heart froze. _His daughter was my comrade? Oh no, how am I going to tell him that she’s dead?_ “Someone go let the Council know the Special Forces team is back.” One of the soldiers nodded and ran off to spread the news. 

“This isn’t your team though, isn’t it?” one of the others inquired, pointing at the Survey Corps soldiers. “They looks like strangers.” 

“No, it’s not,” you replied. “I lost my entire shifter team. These are Survey Corps members. They’re soldiers from the Walled Cities.” Your eyes shifted to the father. To say he looked stunned was an understatement; he looked utterly broken and you kicked yourself for having to deliver the bad news. 

“Why did you bring prisoners back? That wasn’t a part of the plan, was it?” another asked. 

“It wasn’t and they’re not prisoners. They’re my new team. We were sent here on diplomatic purposes and we need to talk to the Council about the war immediately.” 

“They’re not going to like that you brought back non-native soldiers,” one commented. 

“I know, but I had no other choice,” you told him. He shrugged. 

“It’ll be your neck on the line, not theirs,” he said. “You all came at a good time. The next boat to the islands should be here any moment. Go on ahead, Elite Cadet [Last]. You know the way.” 

“Thank you, officer,” you told him, giving him one last salute before returning to your team. “We’ve gotten clearance to go on ahead. A boat will take us to the islands and from there we can find lodging at the military base or, if worse comes to worse, my parents’ house,” you explained to them, getting back on your horse. 

“That was an awfully long talk to just get clearance,” Lucy pointed out. 

“I know. They were confused why you were all with me so I had to briefly explain you’re with me for diplomatic stuff,” you replied, urging your horse forward. They looked a little skeptical but followed you anyway. 

The buildings looked a lot better than they did when you left. It was clear the military was still rebuilding, but it appeared that quite a few buildings had been renovated and fixed up. No doubt they would fix up more and more of the buildings as their numbers grew. 

Your team was in awe as you approached the docks. They had never seen such a large expanse of water before and even you had to admit that it was a welcoming, majestic sight. _If only I could have taken Armin with me,_ you thought with a sigh. _He would have loved this. Maybe someday I can bring him here._ A few soldiers were milling around the dock when you all arrived. They all looked away from their duties, giving you all a critical eye. 

“Names?” one asked, a clipboard and quill in hand as he approached your team. 

“We’re not a part of the wall crew,” you told him. “We -” 

“I still want names and branches,” he cut you off. 

“Elite Cadet [First] [Last], member of the Special Forces for The Initiative,” you told him. “Lucy Minden, Georgia Van Der Wahl, Jacob Breckinridge, and Patrick Muir, all Diplomatic Soldiers.” 

“‘Diplomatic Soldiers?’” the man asked, raising an eyebrow. 

“They’re here with me for diplomatic purposes, but they are trained soldiers from the Walled Cities,” you explained. He shrugged and wrote their names and positions down. 

“Are we expecting the rest of the Special Forces soon?” 

“No. I’m the only one that made it.” 

“I’m sorry to hear that. Go ahead and wait here for the boat. It should be here any moment. I’ll make sure someone puts your horses in the stables here,” he said. _What?_

“We can’t take them with us?” you asked. 

“Not on this boat. We’ve started putting horses on the cargo boats instead of the soldiers’ boats. They should be on the island by tonight,” he told you. 

“All right. I’ll let my team know.” 

“Just hitch them over there.” He jerked his head to a rudimentary bar. You motioned for your team to tie the horses’ reins to the bar. 

The boat came quickly, thankfully, and the ride to the island that also very faster, fast than you recalled. “Oh, we got a nice steam engine for the boats,” a sailor was telling you when you asked about it. “It cuts down the travel time by a lot.” It made you think about everything else that might’ve changed since you left. How were the other people in your trainee class were. How the buildings in town may have changed. _What if everything’s changed? What if nothing is the same and nothing is familiar and homey,_ you wondered with an anxious stomach. 

But as luck would have it, the island was just as you remembered it. Full of vibrant fauna and warm. The marine layer had burned off, showing everything under the full glory of the sun. It was going to be a gorgeous day. A perfect day to come home to. Your team was crammed into the front of the top deck, all of them clamoring to get a better view of the islands. 

“This is where you _live?”_ Georgia demanded. “This is so beautiful. I can’t believe you had to stay away for so long. I don’t know if I could have.” 

“Yeah. Well, if we win the war and if you survive, maybe you could move here,” you suggested. “We have room for more people. At least we did when I left.” 

“I imagine once the titans are gone everyone’s going to be clamoring to live on the coast,” Patrick said. “After all, who _wouldn’t_ want to live here?” 

“Fair point,” Lucy agreed as the boat slowly came to a stop. Your teammates practically ran off of the boat, acting like kids that had been set free in a candy store. A well-dressed women approached the five of you, holding a scrap of paper in her hands. 

“You’ll be Elite Cadet [Last] and the Walled Cities Soldiers, right?” the woman asked in your teammates’ language. 

“That’s us,” you confirmed. The woman stuck her hand out for you to shake. 

“I’m Jane and I’m with the Council. They’ve asked for Elite Cadet [Last] to report to them immediately while the Walled Cities Soldiers are given a place to stay and some food,” she said. _Wow, they’re really not wasting any time,_ you thought. 

“I’ll go see them,” you told her. You glanced back at your team, adding, “I’ll see you later.” 

“They’ll be around the Council Building when you’re done,” Jane informed you. You nodded in response and went on your way. 

The building looked like it hadn’t changed a bit since you were last here before your mission started. You made your way through the large and magnificent hallways, each one getting smaller and smaller as you got closer towards the back to the small meeting room used in most intimate meetings. You opened the door and ushered yourself in. 

The Council looked like they all aged ten years; you noticed a few new people and a few others gone. _New Council members? That’s not good. They never bring in new members unless something’s happened,_ you thought, taking a seat in front of their curved table. A few soldiers inside shut the door and guarded it. _It’s not like I’m going to bolt out of here. Talk about nervous,_ you thought. _Although, I did come here with foreigners. I guess they’re scared I’ve turned on them._

“Elite Cadet [Last], it’s about time you came home,” Councilman Harris said. “We expected you back a few months ago.” 

“I’m sorry for my tardiness, sir. I hit a lot of snags during my mission,” you told him. 

“We heard that your team was killed and we will ask you about their deaths so we can properly prepare a ceremonial burial for them,” he said. “Elite Cadet [Last], we’re curious why you brought Walled Cities soldiers back with you. Please explain your actions.” 

“Your speculation about the mountain village sending shifters to the Walled Cities was correct,” you began, starting at the beginning. “One of them managed to break Wall Maria. But then they tried to break Wall Rose, humanity was able to plug the hole in the wall and fight off the titans. Councilmen, I know that the popular opinion is that humans are better off dead than being turned into titans, and that’s true. But I think humans could be useful allies in this war. I came back with some Walled Cities soldiers in order to convince you humans are ready to fight in this war. Together, we could take down the Beast Titan and then the mountain village.” 

“They managed to save one of their walls from destruction?” Councilman Jones asked. 

“Yes. They have a shifter in their military. It was accidental from my understanding, but they know how to use one in battle. We could easily work together and -” 

“We’re not interested in listening about alliances. We will do that tomorrow,” Harris cut in. “All we want to know is what happened and what’s the current status of humanity?” 

“Two of the walls, Wall Rose and Sina, are still standing strong. But I don’t know for how long. The mountain village shifters have returned home but whether or not they made it home, I don’t know. And recently I saw the Beast Titan in Wall Rose territory. We also believe he turned a village into titans,” you informed them. 

“The situation is as dire as we thought,” Councilwoman O'Neill sighed. She looked towards you. “But, they do have a shifter?” 

“Yes. He fights in the Survey Corps, which is the military branch that fights off the titans and tries to gain back territory for humans. He wasn’t placed there by the government and we’re not completely sure how he became one as he doesn’t remember it.” 

“So in other words he’s massively under trained?” 

“Yes.” 

“If we do ally ourselves with them, we can always train him,” O'Neill pointed out to her fellow council members. 

“That will only work if they end up allying themselves with us,” Jones said. 

“And we will work that all out tomorrow morning,” Harris waved away their conversation. He turned to you. “I think we’ve heard enough here. Go to the records room and tell the historian and soldier records keeper about your mission. And start preparing a speech to give at your comrades’ funeral.” 

“Yes, Councilman,” you told him, standing up. _And now for the hard part,_ you thought as the memories of the past five years tugged on your heart. 

  
  


Two hours later you came out of the Council Building. The four Survey Corps soldiers were on the beach a few blocks away, sitting on their capes as they ate. Lucy waved you over, a big smile on her face. 

“How’d it go?” she asked, handing you some food. “Your military is nice. Didn’t even question us. Just gave us some food and told us to eat on the beach.” 

“Yeah, they do that,” you said, sitting beside them. “We’re going to meet with the Council tomorrow and discuss an alliance.” 

“Good,” Jacob commented, putting down his banana. “We need to get to work quickly.” 

“We’re in a new land and you’re all about business? The discussion will take days anyway. We might as well take it slow, especially considering the . . .” Lucy’s eyes slid over to you and her voice trailed off. 

“Considering _what?”_ you asked, raising an eyebrow at her. The soldiers became eerily quiet, either shoving more food into their faces or slowly putting their fruit down. 

“Have you wondered how in the world our government will even think of allying with your people when they don’t even support the Survey Corps?” Georgia finally asked you after a long silence. 

“To be honest, I haven’t really thought about. I guess I just thought we were going to go under the monarchy’s noses,” you admitted. 

“Commander Erwin asked us not to tell you until it was absolutely necessary, and that time’s come,” Georgia continued. “Right now, the military’s planning a coup back home. We’re going to take control of the government.” 

_“What?!”_ you exclaimed, looking from soldier to soldier in confusion. “We’re having a coup?!” 

“Yes. That’s why the commander sent us here with you. In case something goes south and the coup fails, he wanted somewhere safe for the military to escape to. He figured that if your people were willing to set up an alliance with us, they’d also be willing to house us while we figured out a plan B,” Patrick said. 

“Well, he’s not wrong,” you commented. “My people will definitely give the Corps refuge. But should we be having an alliance discussion when we don’t even know if we’re going to have control of the government yet?” 

“I don’t know. But I think we should start the conversation just in case,” Jacob said. “We don’t know what’s going to happen and we need to at least secure a safe place for the Corps and some of the Garrison if they join the coup movement. If we don’t and the Corps doesn’t manage to escape a wrathful monarchy, it’s all over.” 

  
  


The barracks where you were all supposed to be staying were comfortable enough. Your team was confused about the mosquito nets but you figured they’d get used to them pretty quickly. Your hammock wasn’t as comfy as you remembered it being. _I got spoiled in the Walled Cities with a mattress,_ you thought, trying to get comfy. You pulled your blanket up to your chin, looking out of the window. _I wonder if Bertolt and Reiner got to their village safely. God knows we barely made it here. I guess unless they do a raid or go into battle I’m never going to know,_ you mused. _I wish there was some way I could get a hold of him. I just need to talk to him about this. And maybe punch him, too. I don’t know if I can forgive him for everything he’s done, but I just want to know he’s alive. If I just know that, I’ll be fine._

_You can’t let yourself get distracted by him,_ your conscious scolded you sharply. _Right now your job is securing a safe place for your friends if this coup fails and an alliance if it’s successful. The fate of humanity and this war depends on you. Bertolt can wait. You need to focus on the big picture and not him. After all, we don’t even know know if he really loved him. So why waste your time on him anyway?_ You bit your lip. 

_You’re right. I need to focus on the war. Bertolt will have to wait until I get all of this sorted out._


	20. Chapter 20

By the time you and your team had all gotten dressed and were ready to start your day, you had noticed someone lurking outside of your door.

“Your meeting with the Council has been postponed,” Jane said, striding into the room as soon as Lucy opened the door.

“What? Why?” Jacob demanded, eyes narrowing suspiciously at Jane.

“Some of our spies in the mountain village sent some intelligence earlier than we expected and the Council is discussing it. Your meeting has been postponed to one o’clock,” she explained. “In the meantime, they requested that Elite Cadet [Last] goes and helps our recruits with training. They also said you four are more than welcome to explore the base or work with our soldiers in improving their skills as well, especially the ones learning the language.”

“What am I doing now?” you asked.

“The Council, and particularly the Director, wants you to help the recruits with various skills. You’re scheduled to help them with language and culture first,” Jane told you. _Well that’s not going to end well, but it's not like I can turn this down. And I really shouldn't. It's for the best I play along,_  you thought. 

“All right. Whatever I can do to help the little ones,” you replied. 

 

The training grounds were the same as you remembered it. The lush grass, the simple dirt track, various equipment strewn across like a child’s many toys lying in their room, many pavilions for learning about other cultures and military strategies, a bridge to the tiny island full of trees right off of the coast that was meant for maneuver gear training. It felt weird to be back here now that you graduated, but it felt like you were home. After all, you’d spent several years here training in the military. 

Jane dragged your teammates over to the island to help trainees with their maneuver gear and you headed over to the language and culture pavilion. All of the recruits looks like they all varied in age, although you were positive they were in the same Corps as they were studying together. _There’s a lot more variance here than there was in the one hundred and fourth,_ you thought, giving a short wave to your teacher. Her face lit up and she sprung up from her chair to give you a hug.

“[First]! It’s been so long since I last saw you! You’ve grown up so much,” she said. 

“Yeah, it’s been a while, hasn’t it?” you replied. She didn’t look like she’d changed a bit since you left. “Well, I’m here to talk to your soldiers about the language and culture of the Walled Cities, if that’s all right with you.”

“I’d love that! It’s always great to have a live example and have someone with experience living in that society to talk about it,” she said. She moved in front of her desk and when you turned back to face the class, you noticed many of them were staring at you. It was unnerving, really, to see all of those eyes on you. 

“Today we actually have one of our graduated soldiers coming to help us out. Elite Cadet [Last] is a part of the Initiative and just got back from her mission in the Walled Cities,” the teacher introduced you to the recruits. “She’s agreed answer any questions you may have about that area, but please ask them in the Walled Cities’ language,” she stressed. Hands shot up into their air almost immediately. Oh _, I guess they’re eager to learn,_ you thought. It looked like everyone had a question. 

“Uh, you in the back with the black hair and flower crown,” you called out, pointing to a girl.

“What’s the food like there?” she asked. _Okay, I can do this._

“It’s really bland. We . . .  _They’re_ landlocked so they don’t have a lot of access to salt. Their fruit’s pretty good but other than that, meh. They eat a lot of stews and soups. Not a lot of bread. There’s currently a food shortage so stews and soups are fairly popular, since they fill you up but don’t take a lot of ingredients,” you answered. _One down, forty-nine to go._ “All right, um, you with the red hair.” _God, he looks just like Antonia,_ you thought with an invisible hand ripping your heart into pieces. _I wonder if they’re related. Is he going to ask about her? How she died? If I was close to her on our journey to Shiganshina?_

“Is it hard sticking to the language all of the time?” he asked and relief poured into your body.

“Sort of. For the first month it was pretty hard, but then it gets easier over time and you ease into it. It becomes natural after a while. Next question, blonde girl with the ponytail.”

“Do they have strict gender roles like the mountain village supposedly does?” she inquired.

“Uh, it’s kind of complicated. In the civilian population, yes. In the military, not so much. I did face it a little during training and according to rumors there is a bit of that sort of thing in the two other branches of their military, but the one I was in there was no gender roles or sexism. It was really nice,” you admitted. “I did meet some people from the mountain village and it was kind of jarring to talk to them. The girl took that gender role thing and used it to manipulate people. It was artful in a way, but she was kind of a cold fish.”

“So you did end up running into the mountain spies?” the teacher asked. _I shouldn't have said that. Now they'll want me to talk all about them._

“Yes, I did. The girl I wasn’t overly fond of, especially after she took out several of my comrades in the Survey Corps, which is where I was serving while in the Walled Cities’ military, but the guys were actually fairly nice. It was a huge disconnect to find out they were spies; I didn’t know it until they ousted themselves.”

“I heard that the Walled Cities have a shifter. Is that true?” another boy asked. _Man, information  must have leaked like crazy. I’d hate to be the one getting in trouble for that,_ you thought with a small shudder.

“Yes, they do. His name is Eren and he’s a sweetheart. Very . . . _passionate_ about taking down titans and the Beast Titan, but he’s a very nice guy,” you told them. 

“What about the other shifters? You said that the mountain shifters were actually nice,” a girl said.

“Yeah, the guys were nice. There were two of them. Reiner and Bertolt. Both were really friendly, which is weird considering where they’re from. Especially Reiner. God, he was outgoing. He was that guy cracking jokes all the time. And Bertolt . . . he was really sweet. I cut my foot during hazing and he carried me back to base so I wouldn’t get dirt in my wound. They were the opposite of all of our prisoners of war and every mountain villager we’ve met. I never got the impression they were acting, though. It’s funny who you make friends with when you don’t know their dark secrets,” you said. Thinking about the good old good felt like someone was tears through your heart with a rusty knife. Bertolt had always been so good to you. He’d always made sure you were doing well. He’d always check with you and see if you were coping well. Despite his lies, he’d been a good boyfriend.

_But he purposefully burned you,_ your conscious reminded you coldly. _He had no problem severely burning you. He killed Marco. He’s a mass murderer. He’s done horrific things. You can’t excuse him just because he treated you well a few times._

“Would you kill them if you had to?” the red-haired boy inquired. _What if I have to make that decision? What if I see him fighting us and I have to take him out? Could I do it?_ The thought of Bertolt dead made your heart want to stop beating and you couldn’t think about it for too long; only a few seconds of thinking about it was making your heart feeling like it had to work twice as hard to pump blood.

“If they gave me a reason to kill them, I’d have to,” you replied. 

                

“First things first, there’s something we would like to discuss with you,” Patrick said as the five of you, the military leaders, and the Council sat at a table together, talking about alliances. “As you may or may not be aware, because our current monarchy is putting humanity in danger, a revolution is going on. We humble request on behalf of our fighting brothers and sisters that if the revolution should go south, you would give the survivors and refugees a home. They could either go into the military or become civilians, we don’t care, but we request a home be given to them in case of the revolution failing.”

“What’s the severity of the revolution?” Jones asked.

“Our military is trying to get dethrone the current king and get a proper leader on the throne,” Jacob said. The Council exchanged glances with the two commanders.

“We will allow the revolutionaries to come into our country on the one condition that if they are military, they must transfer into our military and swear loyalty to our country. Civilians may continue their lives here, but your military must join ours. We will harm no one and we won’t send anyone back to the Walled Cities to be prosecuted as long as our one condition is met,” Peace Commander Davidson told you all. _Thank God, my friends will be safe,_ you sighed in relief.

“Thank you, Peace Commander,” Georgia said sincerely. 

“Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, we need to figure out how we’re going to take the Beast Titan down,” Combat Commander Dalca said, pulling out a quill and some paper. “Assuming all of your military joins us, what numbers are we looking at?”

“The entire military is about forty thousand, I think,” you answered, looking to your comrades for confirmation. Jacob nodded.

“We have about three thousand, so we still end up with a military under fifty thousand,” Dalca said. “Which if we were only doing negotiations might work, but -”

“Well who says it’s not going to work?” Davidson said, giving her co-commander a dark look. “If we get a treaty it could prevent more deaths. I’m not throwing my soldiers into a bloody battle without trying to have peace negotiations first.” 

“With all due respect, Peace Commander, I don’t think a treaty is a viable option to stop the war,” Councilman Harris butted in. “With a threat like the Beast Titan and how ruthless he is I don’t think he will be open to negotiations.”

“We’ve never penetrated his community. We don’t know that for certain,” Davidson argued. “Our focus in the military is to save as many lives as possible. If we just off and fight him we will be risking thousands of lives. But if we have a large enough military and we have the threat of force, he could back down and we can eliminate him as a threat.”

“I just don’t think that’s -” Dalca began but O’Neill cut her off.

“That’s actually a good idea,” she said. “I think we should continue to keep putting our soldiers safe and keeping them out of battle as our top priorities. And I know what I’m about to suggest is risky, but if we sealed an alliance with the mountain village, our military appearance will increase at _least_ by double and they more threatening we are, the better.”

“Do you honestly think those assholes are going to side with us on anything,” Dalca glared at O’Neill. “They’re monsters and I would rather die than work with them.”

“Now, wait a moment,” you piped up. “They sent spies on the exact same mission we had. They _are_ our enemies, but maybe we’re not so different. If we have the same goals, then why don’t we team up with them? Or at least try to. It would increase our army size and it wouldn’t be with just humans, we’d have more shifters as well.”

“See, this girl knows what’s going on,” Davidson said, gesturing to you. “I don’t like the mountain village either but if we could come together, maybe this could work.”

“But what if they refuse? What if the Beast Titan turns down our peace negotiations and we have to fight? Are we going to trust them to cover our asses? Kaimana, we need to think realistically here,” Dalca said heatedly.

“I think Elite Cadet [Last] and Peace Commander Davidson are onto something,” Council Member Toole said. “We’ve gotten word that there was an attack on the mountain village, and maybe that’ll soften the villagers up to ally themselves with us. It’s worth a shot, anyway. And then if we do have to resort to violence, we have more military power to help up come up with a  solid  and complex attack strategy.” 

“What, you don’t want to think of one _now?”_ Dalca demanded, eyes narrowing at Toole, who simply shrugged their shoulders. 

“I think we should go to peaceful strategies first, and then aggressive ones,” they replied. Dalca let out a frustrated growl.

“That kind of thinking is what left us open to attacks from the mountain village and our poor military in the first place!” she said angrily. “I’d like to save lives but it’s not realistic. This war has been bloody and the only way we’re going to successfully end it is with a battle. The Beast Titan isn’t going to want to talk things out. He’s going to try and kill us. We need to kill him before he gets the chance to wipe us all out.”

“We do need to take him out but what if we could have done things peacefully? What if we went straight into battle but later learned we could have done things differently and saved lives? Combat will probably happen but I want us to try peace and alliance first and then go to violence as a final resort,” Davidson retorted.

“I think we should have a vote. All in favor of us going to the mountain village and trying to get an alliance with them and then try and have a peace treaty with the Beast Titan and his followers?” Councilman Harris asked. Your hand shot up, along with Peace Commander Davidson’s, Lucy’s, Toole’s, Patrick’s, and several others in the group. _Eight people want this too?!_ you thought, surprised and happy as you counted the amount of raised hands in the room. _Fuck yeah! We’re going to try peace first!_ “And all not in favor?” Combat Commander Dalca, Jacob, and two others raised their hands. You fought a smug grin off of your lips, looking down at the table to hide your grin.

“That settles it,” Davidson said, not bothering to hide her smile. “We’ll be going and trying to gain an alliance. Our next topic should be planning this trip to the mountain village. Personally, I think we have a few different ideas on how this can go down . . .”

 

People devoting their lives to politics was a concept you couldn’t understand. It should have taken only a day to figure out the alliance party and strategies but instead it took a week and a half just to get the peace party settled and then another week to coordinate supplies and plan your speeches. As you suspected, you were chosen for the negotiations. A handful of high-ranking soldiers, O’Neill, Toole, Georgia, and Jacob were all coming on the trip as well. Peace Commander Davidson was taking the helm by herself for this mission. 

On the morning you were leaving for the mountain village, the coastal base was quiet. There weren’t a lot of people present outside of the peace party and the lack of people made the area feel a lot more gloomy and foreboding than it had when you first came home.

Your heart was pounding as you saddled up your horse for the journey to venture to the mountain village. Thanks to the traditional sleeping drugs taken before trips into titan territory, you’d gotten a good nights sleep but when you woke up you’d had the realization that you may run into Bertolt while in the village; assuming you made it there. Georgia walked up to you, handing you a few bananas to put in your food sack.

“Thanks,” you replied softly. 

“You all right there, [First]?” she asked. You shrugged.

“I just don’t know how I feel about maybe seeing Bertolt again,” you confided in her. “I was involved with him and now knowing what he’s done, seeing him again makes me sick, but I still care about him, you know? I just don’t know what physically seeing him’s going to make me feel.” 

“If you gotta do it, punch a man in the dick. That should cover most feelings,” she advised. A laugh forced itself out of your throat and the two of you were howling with laughter. Jacob gave you two a disgusted look as he rode by, already saddled up and on his horse.

“We need to be serious here, guys. This is no different from an expedition,” he said. You choked back the laughter, nodding.

“All right, Team Leader Buzz Kill,” Georgia replied, hauling herself on her horse. You followed her lead. As the brief joy died down and you approached the wall with the rest of your team, the anxiousness returned. _What if I do see him? Do I say hi? Do I hug and kiss him? Do I punch him in the dick like Georgia said to? Or am I going to do something regrettable like pass out or start crying? And what if we don’t secure an alliance with him and his people? Then our military will be smaller and can we really afford that? Especially if we end up going into battle. Am I going to fight by Bertolt’s side again? Do I even trust him enough to be able to fight with him? Or even talk to him? And what if I have to fight against him?_ You recalled the red-haired boy’s question from your Q and A few weeks ago. _And if I have to fight against him will I have to kill him?_


	21. Chapter 21

The educational buildings blended into the mountains, with dark bricks and dark wooden doors with black hinges. Only snow and occasional movement inside could betray the fact there were buildings on the side of the mountain, facing out towards titan territory. Bertolt sat slumped at his desk, waiting for the next batch of warriors to come into his classroom. The last language teacher did something to piss off the heads of the program and he was executed, leaving a teaching position for Bertolt. Well, rather the position was left open for a long time until Bertolt came back and his superiors gave him the job.

It was a nice change in pace. Wake up, train, get a fifteen minute prep period, teach for a few hours, wash up, have dinner, and then go to bed. The same routine every single day. No guesswork. They gave Reiner a similar job teaching, but their superiors decided conditioning and strength training would be better suited for Reiner. They were right, he was good at training younger warriors, but nothing had helped him mentally. He still switched around his soldier and warrior mentalities with almost nothing to anchor the two.

There were footsteps and speak of the devil, Reiner stepped into the classroom.

"Hey, I'm sneaking off to the market to get something decent for lunch. Want to come with?" he asked.

"I can't. I have a class starting soon," Bertolt replied.

"That sucks. Do you at least want me to bring you back something?"

"Could you get me some bread and cheese?"

"That all?"

"Yeah, I'm not that hungry." Reiner sat on the edge of his desk, looking his friend straight in the eye.

"Wallowing around isn't going to fix anything," he said. "I miss her too. Hell, I left someone behind too. But we just have to hope that everything turns out well and we'll be able to reunite someday."  _Yeah, well Krista wasn't your girlfriend,_ Bertolt wanted to say.  _And you only like women when you're in soldier mode. You don't know what I'm going through. The moment you got your soldier persona you stopped understanding me._

"Yeah, someday," Bertolt said, forcing a smile. "You go ahead to the market. My class ends an hour and a half from now."

"I'll bring you your lunch then," Reiner said. He got off of Bertolt's desk and left the room. Bertolt sighed, looking out of the window.  _I wonder what they're all doing right now. Are they on another expedition? Are they all resting? Is everyone safe?_

  
  


The market was lively as Reiner made his way through the crowds. It actually wasn't too bad, but there were enough people to make walking a little bit difficult. Kids saluted him as he made his rounds; at least they were giving him respect. His superiors, while happy to get their hands on Ymir, had been very displeased that he and Bertolt hadn't completed their primary tasks. Hell, the only reason they had their new jobs was because their superiors had no idea what to do with them yet. Reiner was hoping they'd get back into combat, but he knew it would be a while before that happened.

"Make way! Warriors and soldiers coming through!" a deep voice cut through the crowd. Civilians scrambled to get out of the way. Two of Reiner's comrades were on horses and a handful more were on foot, surrounding a group.  _Soldiers?_ Reiner wound through the crowd, craning his neck to get a better look at the group getting escorted through town. They wore light clothes with earthy colors, but a bright seal adorning their clothes.  _Islanders? What're they doing here? And is that . . . I'll be damned._

“Kitten!" Reiner yelled as a large smile appeared on his face. You perked up visibly, looking around wildly at the sound of his voice. He broke through your escorts and ran to you, picking you up in a bone crushing hug.

"Reiner?!" you squeaked, body practically as he spun you around like a rag doll.

"God, I missed you!" he said sincerely. He placed you on the ground and held you at arm's length, giving you a good look over. You seemed to be in too much shock to respond. "[First], you look great! You haven't changed a bit! How have you been? Why are you here?"

"Can you let go of me?" you asked, a shade of irritation in your voice.

"Instructor Braun, what are you doing?" one of the escorts demanded, clearly annoyed at his antics.

"She was a part of my trainee squad back when we served together in the Walled Cities," Reiner replied. "I know her, it's okay." He turned back to you. "So what are all of you doing here?"

"I don't think I'm at the liberty to say," you said.

"You know how long you'll be here?"

"I'm here on business, Reiner. I can't really talk right now," you said like your teeth were gritted.

"Right, right! I'll find you later and we can catch up! And I'll bring Bertl with me! He really misses -"

"Stop talking." He'd never heard you say something so coldly before.

"What?"

"Stop talking to me."

"Why, is something wrong?"

"Is something wrong?  _Is something wrong?!"_ you exclaimed heatedly. "Are you serious, I . . ." You let out shaky breath. "Don't talk to me about him."

"Oh my God, I'm so sorry. I'll stop," he apologized.

"I accept your apology," you replied formally.  What's wrong with her? This isn't the [First] I know.

"So, uh, I’ll catch up with you later. I’ll let you get to your business, [First].”

“Thank you.”  _Who shoved a stick up her ass,_ he wondered as he let the warriors escort you and your team away.  _And why is she with the Islanders? She can’t be . . . she can’t be one of them, can she? But then again, I thought I saw a Survey Corps soldier with her too. Have the Walled Cities teamed up with the Islanders? If that’s the case, we’re fucked. You couldn’t put together a better team of people with more hatred of us than them._

  
  


The dorms were built into the mountains. It seemed everything military was built into the mountains.  Guess it provides good protection and camouflage, you realized as you got escorted inside. The common areas were simple and drab, all plain colors. There were no plants to provide a pop of color.  _ You couldn’t try  to get more depressing. I guess they think color is a luxury, or something. _ A few warriors gave you odd looks as you all made your way to the spare dorm rooms. You doubted they were used to letting strangers into their domain. 

“These will be your rooms while you’re here,” the Captain said, opening the door and ushering the women into a tiny room with a few cots in it. “The men will stay next door. We’ll escort Ms. Davidson to our Commander and they will plan a meeting.”

“We aren’t coming with?” Toole demanded, folding their arms in front of their chest. The Captain gave them a dirty look. 

“For preliminaries, no. There’s no reason to have more than Ms. Davidson and the Commander talking, ma’am.”

“Not a girl.” Toole shot him a dark look.

“Miss. We’ll be back soon. If you need anything, there will be guards down the hall.” The Captain beckoned to Peace Commander Davidson and the two left, shutting the door behind them.

“Now what?” Georgia asked, plopping down onto one of the cots. “We just wait here for them to finish talking?”

“Unfortunately, yes,” Toole replied. “They don’t like us so I think it’s safe to say they won’t talk much. They want us out of their hair and frankly I don’t want to stay here long either.”

“Same,” you said, sitting by Georgia. “The sooner we’re out of here, the better.”

“You all right? Reiner seemed to be annoying the hell out of you,” Georgia said. You sighed and gave her a small shrug.

“He was and I hate him for everything he’s done, but he was a good friend. He’s still a nice person. How, I don’t know. But it’s just such a disconnect,” you confided in them. Toole nodded and sat on the other side of you. “That and he was acting like nothing bad ever happened. I just don’t know what to think.”

“God knows what’s going through his mind,” Toole shrugged. “Be rest assured if we do ally ourselves with the mountain people we’ll make sure you aren’t on a squad with Reiner or the other boy he talked about. But dwelling on it won’t do us any favors. For now, we should start refining our speeches until Peace Commander Davidson returns. We will probably give them tomorrow or the day after and we need every second we can get to perfect them.” 

“You have a point with our persuasive speeches,” Georgia replied. “If our speeches aren’t perfect, they’ll probably disregard everything we say.”

“They might do that anyway, but we still need to give it our best shot,” Toole said. You nodded and pulled your notes out of your bag. Everyone had a different angle to talk about and yours was friendship and economic opportunities. _Ironic, given my friendship with Reiner and relationship with Bertolt,_ you thought. _Oh God, what if they’re at the meeting? What if I have to talk to them? I’m not keen on talking to Reiner again and Bertolt . . . I think it’s just best I cut him out and move on._ You’d been rehearsing for three hours when someone knocked on your door. 

“It’s about time,” you commented, standing up and hurrying to the door. “I thought Peace Commander Davidson would never come back.” But as you opened the door a very different sight greeted your eyes. Reiner and Bertolt stood in your doorway. As soon as your eyes locked onto Bertolt’s green ones you felt the familiar spark, the butterflies in your stomach freaking out and your knees turning into jelly. Your body was screaming at you to go in for a hug, but your mind told you otherwise.  _No, you can’t take him back,_ a voice in your head said sternly.  _Remember what he’s done._ You started to slam the door in their faces but Reiner caught it, keeping it open. Preferring to keep the impending fight away from your team, you stepped outside of the room and shut the door.

“What? What do you want?” you demanded. You fought off a wince as you saw Bertolt’s eyes flash with hurt.

“I just wanted to see you. I’ve missed you so much,” he said. His hand extended out to yours, but as much as you wanted to hold his hand you fought off the temptation. 

“Yeah, sure. You lie to me for three years and defect from the Walled Cities and you have the balls to say you want to see me? Who the hell do you think you are?!” 

“I really have missed you,” he insisted. “I’m sorry I had to do all of those things. You can’t even begin to understand how horrible I feel for everything I’ve done.”

“Yeah, I can’t because I don’t believe you. You’ve lied to me before, so how do I know you’re telling the truth now?” you asked harshly, turning to go back into your room. Bertolt caught your shoulder and turned you back around, desperation in his eyes. 

“Please, let’s just talk about this,” he pleaded with you, putting his other hand on your shoulder. You wanted to talk to him. You wanted to resume your relationship. But how could you after all of the things he did? You threw them off and shot him another hateful look.

“What is there to talk about? You killed thousands of people, you burned me on purpose. Are we going to discuss how you led Ymir to her death? What can we possibly talk about, Bertolt?” you demanded. “Look, I really care about you but we’re done. I’m not going to be with someone like you.”

“[First], please. I’m sorry, you know I am. Can we please just talk about this?”

“No.” 

“Please! We can clear all of this up! I love you and I still want to be with you.” Something in you snapped. There were too many conflicting feelings raging for control in your body and anger won out. You grabbed the doorknob to your dorm and pulled the door open. You turned back to give him another spiteful look.

"Marco loved me more than you ever could," you hissed before slamming the door in his face and barricading it shut with a chair. Toole, Georgia, and the few other soldiers in the room looked at you curiously. “It’s nothing,” you murmured, sitting back down on Georgia’s cot. Regret flowed through your veins like snow coming down during an avalanche.  _Shit, I shouldn’t have said that. I shouldn’t have been so harsh,_ you told yourself.  _God, why did I do that? He didn’t deserve all of that. I went over the top and I shouldn’t have. He had some of that coming but I shouldn’t have been such an asshole about it. Fuck, what have I done?_

  
  


Their meeting hall was stark and foreboding, built into the mountain and, as you learned, heavily guarded.  _Leave it to a bunch of mountain dwellers to be scared over nothing,_ you thought as you finished being searched. It was the next day and thankfully the military agreed to have the meeting sooner than later.  _The sooner we get this over with, the better._

The Mountain Commander was already in his seat and surrounded by his subordinates when you entered the hall. Your heart was pounding in your chest and you prayed to God you wouldn’t fuck up. A few military captains were present, as well warriors that you figured were somewhat higher up in the food chain.  _Wait, what are they doing here,_ you wondered, dumbfounded as you saw Bertolt and Reiner sitting with a few of their superiors.  _Why the hell would they be in on this? I thought that one guy said Reiner was only an Instructor and God knows what Bertolt’s doing._

“As you all have heard by now, we have a few guests visiting us,” the Mountain Commander began and all eyes found you and your comrades. “They would like to talk to us about creating an alliance. We’re very busy, what with being active in the war, so your speakers get three minutes each. We feel this is fair.”  _Fair, my ass,_ you thought angrily.  _That’s no time at all to make a good argument! Why are we even trying? It’s clear they don’t want us here._ But despite your frustration, you nodded along with your teammates. There was no point in being outright angry with them.

Nerves boiled in your stomach as you watched Peace Commander Davidson, then O’Neill, Jacob, and Toole make their cases. Their speeches sounded so eloquent and well thought out compared to yours. _No, I’m appealing to things they can understand. I’m getting a different angle than my team is,_ you told yourself. _I’ll do just fine. I just need to calm down._ There was a quiet smattering of applause as Toole finished their speech and sat back down. _All right. It’s go time._ You stood up and went to the small podium in the center of the room.

“State your name,” the Mountain Commander commanded once you reached it. Everyone’s eyes bore into your body, burning you. You knew they didn’t trust you and this would only work if they trusted you.  _I need to make them trust me. To like me._

“Elite Cadet [First] [Last] of the Wame nu Maka Peace Corps, sir,” you informed him. 

“How old are you, Ms. [Last]? How long have you been in the military?” 

“I’m sixteen, sir. I was chosen to join the military when I was eight years old.” 

“You didn’t chose to join?”

“Not in my division, sir. I was chosen to join the Initiative, which is full of titan shifter soldiers. No one chooses to enter that branch. We were all handpicked out of the population.”

“I see. What are your shifting powers?”

“I can change my size.”

“I see. Let’s hear your case,” he said, leaning against the back of his chair and folding his arms across his chest.  You can do this. You got this.

"Five years ago I was sent on the mission to the Walled Cities to destroy the walls. While I was serving as a spy I met two warriors who quickly became good friends with me: Reiner Braun and Bertolt Hoover. We worked very well together during our separate missions; I would say that out of everyone I met during my time as a Walled Cities soldier, Reiner and Bertolt were my two closest companions and I love them dearly.

"Our villages have been at odds with each other for the past century, but if elite soldiers like myself and warriors like Reiner and Bertolt can work together and even be friendly with each other, it shows our villages could form a successful alliance that will create not only military success but lifelong friendships that will usher in a new era of peace and prosperity. Friendships bring alliances, which bring not only military strength but an economic boom. We'll be able to trade with each other and that will boost both of our economies.

"In short, our nations having an alliance would bring great things for the both of us. Our militaries will have added strength and we could trade with each other and have economic prosperity. But the bottom line is that if we work together, we can accomplish our goals together and have a better chance of succeeding. After all, if Reiner, Bertolt, and I can work well together, then our nations can come together too." You looked up to the Mountain Commander, heart thudding in your chest as you waited for him to speak.

"A very interesting approach, Ms. [Last]," he said. He turned Reiner and Bertolt, giving them a critical look. "Is she telling the truth? And be mindful, Private Hoover, we are well aware of your past conduct transgressions."  _“Past conduct transgressions?” Does that mean he knows about our relationship?_

"She's telling the truth, sir," Reiner backed you up. “[First] worked very well with us. Hell, she even outed herself as a shifter to try and save us during a titan attack. If given the opportunity, I would love to work with her again.”

“I agree with Reiner,” Bertolt said. “I think she makes some very valid points.”

“We will consider your arguments and decide on whether or not we should take up your offer,” the Mountain Commander said. “Please wait in the hall while we decide. A guard will come and get you once we come to a decision.” The guards led you all out into the hall.  _Please, let this work,_ you silently prayed.  _We need the extra manpower. We all need to team up against the Beast Titan and take him down. If they don’t join us, we’ll be at a big disadvantage._

Although it was only fifteen minutes until the Mountain Commander had the guards bring you back in, it felt like days. Your eyes slid over to watch Bertolt and Reiner. They both had grim looks on their faces that made your stomach sick.  _Shit, that doesn’t seem like a good sign._ The Mountain Commander got everyone’s attention by pounding on his desk, his face apathetic as he cleared his throat.

"After due consideration we've decided to turn down your offer for an alliance," the Commander said. "We work alone and the possibility of betrayal is too much of a risk for us. We thank you for the offer, but we will decline."  _What?! God, I knew this was going to happen! These mountain dwellers only think about themselves! What fuckwads!_

"Thank you for giving us the time, at any rate," Peace Commander Davidson said gracefully, nodding her head slightly. "We wish you good luck in your future prosperity." 

"Thank you,” he said brusquely before dismissing the entire room. As soon as you got to the privacy of your dorm room, you let out all of the pent-up rage coursing through your body.

"I can't believe they turned us down!" you cried indignantly.

"I was afraid this would happen," Toole sighed, pinching the bridge of their nose. "We just need to figure out what to do from here. Hopefully the Survey Corps is almost to Wame and we'll be able to regroup and plan once we get back to the Islands."

"Have we heard back from them?" you asked.

"The last we heard Commander Erwin was just released from prison and the king was dethroned. But that was before we left. We have no idea what's going on right now," Georgia told you. "They should be in Wame by now but since we've been out of the loop for a while we can't be for certain." You sighed, running a few fingers through your hair.

"I just hope that everyone's alive and safe back home," you said. Pausing, you glanced out the window. You knew you should be packing, given that you all were leaving in two hours, but you needed to get out. “I’m going out for a quick walk if they let me. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

“Do you really think it’s wise to walk around this place?” Toole said disdainfully.

“It probably isn’t, but I need to get out for a moment,” you said, pushing your door open. After a brief argument with the guards, they allowed you to walk on a short mountain trail where they could watch you from the window. The air was cool as you walked around. It was a beautiful day and it was a shame no one else was coming outside to enjoy it. As you walked back to the base you caught sight of Reiner and Bertolt on the same path as you, approaching you with determination on their faces. _What do they want? Can’t I just be alone? They’re making this hard for me and besides, I don't even know what to say to them._

“What are you doing out here?” Reiner asked as he and Bertolt stopped you in your tracks.

“I could ask you the same thing,” you replied.

“Fair point.”

“Look, [First], we need to talk to you about the war, not personal things,” Bertolt spoke up, discreetly glancing around to see if anyone could overhear you three. 

“Fine, I’ll bite. What’s up?” you asked.

“We disagree with the verdict made earlier,” Reiner said. “We think that if we’re working towards the same goal we should work together.”

“But we can’t outright say that,” Bertolt interjected. “What we’re trying to say is that we want to . . .  _assist_ you in your plight.” He said the last part delicately.

“What, you want to come home with me?” you asked.

“Basically. But you know we can’t do that. We wanted to propose a meeting at Shell Cove on the other side of this mountain. A week from today, we’ll be there. Come pick us up and we’ll join you.”

“How do I know you’re not tricking me?” you questioned them.

“Please, just trust us. You don’t have to talk to me ever again after this. But I want to help,” Bertolt said. The look of determination and pleading in his eyes struck a chord with you. No one what that good of an actor and your gut told you he was telling the truth. _Even if I say yes, Davidson might not okay it. But a few mountain allies are better than one. They could be valuable to us. And it's selfish, but I want them on the right side. I just want the old boys I knew back._

“All right. I’ll talk to Peace Commander Davidson about it,” you told them. “If she agrees, I’ll come get you. If not, I won’t.”

“We won’t let you down, [First],” Bertolt promised.  _I hope you don’t,_ you silently replied. 

  
  


Leaving was anticlimactic. You packed up your things, tidied your room, saddled up your horse, and waited for the gate into the outside world to open. The civilians paid you no mind as your team positioned themselves in front of the gate. Lines of warriors surrounded you, making sure you all went forward and only forward.  _It's not like we're going to start a fight,_ you thought, looking at the warriors with disgust.  _Fucking paranoid assholes. I don't understand how Reiner and Bertolt were raised in this place and ended up like they did._

The ground shook slightly as the gate was raised and you moved out, leaving the mountain village behind. You knew that in a few days Bertolt and Reiner would be on their way over the mountains, making a beeline for the coast where you meet them.  _I just hope we get home in time so I have time to boat over there to meet them. Peace Commander Davidson knows about and okayed the plan. She’ll make sure we get there in time. She has this under control._

A few days passed as you and your team made your way back to the coastal base. It was a cloudless and sunny day when you got closer; by Jacob’s calculations, you would all be home by that evening if it was smooth sailing.  _We’re almost there,_ you sighed in relief.  And not to mention it’s gorgeous today. A faint and sharp popping sound soared through the air from a distance.  _ Is that a flare gun? Sure enough, in the distance to your left a streak of green flew into the air. _

“The Survey Corps!” Georgia gasped, a smile on her face. No doubt she was excited about seeing her comrades again. “Peace Commander Davidson, that flare means our comrades are nearby. Permission to go assist them in battle if need be?”

“Of course, Team Leader Georgia,” Davidson said. “Change course, everybody! We’re going towards the flare! Stay on guard. We might have to face titans.” As you drew nearer to the Survey Corps, excitement boiled in your belly. But along with the eagerness to see your friends again, you felt nervous. You had no idea how overthrowing the monarchy had gone and whether your friends survived it or not.  _What if they’re all dead,_ the horrible idea struck you.  _What if none of them made it? No, they had to have made it. There’s no way they could all be dead._

You made contact with the survey team first, who told you where Commander Erwin was. Although you wanted to stay and ask about your friends, you knew it’d have to wait. Erwin and his team weren’t far from the initial survey team and your team got to him and the others fairly quickly.  _Oh my God, he lost an arm?!_ you thought incredulously as he got close enough to inspect properly. He had his team slow down once you all got close enough and all of you stopped. 

“Commander Erwin Smith, it’s a pleasure to meet you. I’m Peace Commander Kaimana Davidson,” she introduced herself, moving towards him and putting her hand out for him to shake. “I look forward to working with you.”

“As I, Commander Kaimana,” he said, a warm smile on his face as he shook her hand. “It’s lucky we ran into you. I was worrying about our manpower.”

“I’m sorry to hear about that,” she said. “We’re almost to our coastal base. Maybe about one hundred more kilometers, more or less. You won’t have to worry about it for much longer.” 

“Good,” he replied. He motioned for his team to keep moving forward. You all fell into the back of their formation.  We’re almost home, you thought as relief spurned through your body.  Just one hundred more kilometers and then we’ll be safe. And God, was the sight of the coastal base’s protective wall a more welcomed sight. The Wall team raised the gate and as soon as you made it it you all filled out, letting the last of the formation come in. As the gate shut you rode around the crowd, desperately looking for your friends.

“[First]!” You looked around wildly, heart thumping in your chest.

“Sasha!” You yelled back. Her brown ponytail and flailing arms stuck out over the crowd and you hurried towards her. _Yes! She’s okay! She’s alive!_ You almost fell off your horse as you disembarked, running to her and giving her a big hug. “I can’t tell you how relieved I am to see you!”

“Me too! I was worried you weren’t going to make it here or back home,” she said. “Everyone’s dying to see you! And Krista . . . I mean, Historia, she sends her regards. She’s taking care everyone home right now but she told me to tell you hi and she can’t wait to see you again.”

“Is everyone else here? Is everyone else okay?”

“Yeah, we’re all here! Connie and Jean are in a squad together, and of course Eren, Mikasa, and Armin are too, but I’m not sure where they are right now,” she added, looking around for them. Relief melted away the tension in your body.  _Thank God they’re all safe. It’s a miracle._

“Soldiers, follow us! We’re going to the dock. From there, we’ll get on boats and get to another military base!” Commander Erwin shouted, motioning for everyone to follow him and Peace Commander Kaimana. Sasha stuck by your side and the two of you scanned the thick crowd for your friends. But once you reached the docks and the small section of beach next to the very long piers, you could hear elated shrieking and from there, you and Sasha figured out where Armin and Eren were. Even Sasha’s mouth was open in awe as the vast sea spread out in front of her. 

The boats were nowhere in sight and maybe that’s why a few people decided it was all right to break ranks. Armin, Eren, and Mikasa were off their horses and on the beach in seconds, boots, capes, and maneuver gear left on the beach as they plunged into the water. Connie came next, and then Jean, and then a few other soldiers you didn’t recognize.

“Come on! Let’s go!” Sasha pulled on your wrist and the two of you were flying down the dock and onto the small beach. Heart pounding in your chest and elation bubbling up in your stomach you took off your gear and boots and joined your friends in the water. It was chilly and sent shivers down your spine. But from the way everyone was splashing around you’d never know the water was cold. Sasha screamed and tackled you, pushing you under the water for a brief second. As soon as you came up you splashed her. She was savvy enough to move out of the way and the water hit Jean. He gave you a dark look and started splashing you. Shrieks of laughter and delight filled the air as you all played in the water, waiting for the boats to arrive. You couldn’t remember the last time you’d had this much fun. 

_I just hope we can have more moments like this once the war’s over,_ you thought.

  



	22. Chapter 22

You’d been through some intense things. Seeing your comrades killed in front of you, fending for yourself on the streets, pulling a dead body of one of your supervisors out of a bathtub, multiple expeditions outside the walls. But one thing you wouldn’t expect to be so intense was traveling on a small fishing boat with Bertolt, Reiner, and a handful of soldiers. The past two days had been awkward, to say the least, and no matter how you tried to ignore them, it just lead to pregnant silences that felt far too heavy. 

The night was pitch black as you inched towards the islands and hopefully you’d reach Wame nu Maka by morning. Reiner was asleep in the small cell aboard the ship, slumped on the floor. He looked incredibly uncomfortable, tied up in chains and ropes. However he was managing to sleep was beyond you.  _They really must’ve knocked them out with that pacifier drug,_ you thought with a shiver. The air was crisp and with no heating down in where you were, it was even cooler. You hugged your jacket closer to your body.  _Why the hell do they even have me down here? They shot Reiner and Bertolt up with so many drugs they can’t do anything. Why do I have to be on guard duty when they can barely walk?_

“You okay?” Bertolt asked.  _If the only the drug knocked him out too,_ you thought. 

“I’m fine,” you replied tersely. Being on guard duty while the others slept was the worst job you could have been assigned. Clearly the team you were with didn’t get the memo that being near them was a no-no for you. Hell, just being on the same ship was enough to make you feel awkward.  _I really should talk to him but I don’t want to. Not after what I said to him and when everything seems so sensitive._ “Are you tired?”  _If he’s sleepy, I’ll put off talking until tomorrow._

“No, not really,” he admitted quietly.  _Damn it._ You sighed, looking down at your feet.  _Here goes nothing._

“Okay. It’s just that . . . I’m sorry about what I said back when we were in the mountains. That was a low blow bringing Marco into the equation and I shouldn’t have said it,” you told him.

“I know you didn’t mean it,” he replied. “But I can’t forgive you for that just yet. It hurt no matter what your intentions were and the wound is still too fresh. He really cared about you, you know,” he added, almost reluctantly.

“I never would have been with him. You’re the only one I ever had eyes for,” you reassured him.

“I know, but it doesn’t negate  his feelings,” Bertolt pointed out.

“I guess you’re right,” you sighed. “Bertl, the truth is I still love you but I just don’t know if I can be with you after everything that’s happened. And there’s no guarantee we’re going to make it out of this war alive anyway.” 

“Do you . . . maybe we should put our relationship on the backburner,” Bertolt suggested, vulnerability laced in his voice. “Let’s get out of this war and then think about our future together. If we both survive.”

“I think that’s a good choice,” you said. “A very adult and mature choice.” And truly it was. Right now there were more important things to think about, but mentioning the war brought unwanted thoughts into your head. What would I do if he died in battle? “Once the war is over, let’s talk about us again.”    

  
  


When you reached the military base, it was clear that the Walled Cities soldiers were still not used to the culture change, judging by their unease and how they picked at foreign food. Soldiers milled around their rooms, sitting on the floor instead of their hammocks. Sasha groaned when you entered one of the dorm common rooms, lying on the ground. Connie and Armin sat beside her. Jean and a boy with a really bad bowl cut sat on a sofa, looking at Sasha with a look of contempt.

“You didn’t tell me you had a food surplus,” she complained, looking at you with sad eyes.  _Poor girl’s going to go into a food coma any second now,_ you thought sympathetically.

“Yeah. Our population isn’t that big so we’ve got a little extra food to go around,” you said, sitting on a sofa between Jean and Bad Bowl Cut. 

“Not to mention there’s so much diversity! I didn’t know people could have different skin colors! Or genders!” Armin said excitedly. “And that’s not even scratching the surface of how diverse your culture is!” 

“Jeez Armin, calm down your learning boner,” Jean said. Armin blushed, looking down and letting his blond hair hide his face.

“Give him a break, Jean,” you scolded him. “You know, Armin, if we ever have downtime I’d be more than willing to show you around some historical sites.” Immediately he perked up, giving you a small smile.

“Really?”

“Yeah, of course! Who knows the next time you’ll be here?”

“True! Is that what you were doing the past week?” 

“I’m sorry?” 

“I just assumed you were with the rest of our military showing them around the area. Commander Erwin said Garrison and some MP backups would be joining us here,” he said.  _Oh no, what do I do? Davidson and Dalca told me I can’t tell anyone what I was doing. Crap, I have to lie and I have to lie fast!_

“Oh! N-no, I was on the coastal base doing wall duties,” you lied.

“No you weren’t. I was doing that and I didn’t see you once,” Connie called you out.  _Shit._

“Secret mission?” Armin suggested helpfully. 

“Yeah,” you admitted.

“Come on, you can tell us!” Sasha said, sitting up. “We won’t tell anyone, we promise! You can trust us; you can even trust Marlo!”

“Hey, what’s that supposed to mean?!” Bad Bowl Cut cried. 

“I’m sorry, I really can’t talk about it,” you said.  _There’s no way in hell they can know. The moment they find out what’s going on they’re going to freak out._

“You’re no fun,” she pouted, laying back down. 

“You guys aren’t either. Where’s Eren and Mikasa?” you inquired, hoping they’d change the subject.

“Eren is with the trainee shifters getting an actual education and Mikasa is off with a few other Asian soldiers. I think they’re trying to figure out where exactly Mikasa’s family is from, or something. I’ll admit, Armin’s right to have such a lust for knowledge, especially since you guys have access to stuff that was taboo back inside the walls,” Jean commented. “It must’ve been hard to keep your mouth shut.”

“Eh. I had an adjustment period inside the walls before I joined the army and socialized with people. That and once I joined culture wasn’t the first thing on my mind,” you confessed. 

“Speaking of things on your mind, did you see Bertolt and Reiner when you went off to their village?” Sasha asked. It was an innocent question, but they weren’t a topic you were all that keen on discussing. But you’d already lied to everyone earlier, even if they caught you. The least you could do was be honest and hope they’d drop it.

“I did. I don’t want to talk about what happened,” you replied. 

“Did he hurt you?” Armin asked urgently.

“No. Actually, I hurt him a lot more than he could ever hurt me,” you said quietly, looking down at the wooden floor. “But as I said, I don’t want to talk about it.” Jean’s hand patted your back, warmth seeping into your skin. 

“I know it hurts, but you’ll find someone way better to spend your life with,” he said. Eren entered the room and he cracked a grin. “Maybe Yeager is secretly your soulmate. Imagine all the suicidal, hair-trigger tempered shifter babies you could make with him.”

“No thanks, [First] is too hardcore for me. She’s not going to stop me from fighting people and I need someone that does that,” Eren commented, sitting next to Armin. “When’d you get back?”

“An hour or two ago. I just got to the base now, though. How was shifter training?”

“Hard, but helpful. The other shifters are really invasive. They keep asking me questions about back home and they won’t shut up,” he said with an eye roll.

“I probably trained with them at some point. I can tell them to back off it you want,” you offered. He squirmed in his seat.

“That’s okay. They’re too young for that,” he said. 

“Wait, did they put you with the eight-year-olds?” you demanded. He crossed his arms and looked to the ground, making you laugh. “I’m so sorry, I thought they would have put you with the shifters our age.”

“Eren’s got a lot to learn, though,” Armin pointed out.

“True, but still.”

“Besides, once we get put into squads it won’t matter,” Eren said. “I know we’re all in Squad Levi besides Marlo, but do you know where you’re going?”

“No idea. Peace Commander Davidson might put me in her squad again, but since this is a war expedition and not a diplomatic one I’d be surprised if that happened,” you said. “It’s a crapshoot, honestly.”

“Don’t you already have a set squad?” Marlo asked. “Surely you had one prior to this mission.”

"I did, but they got killed. Both of them did,” you answered. “So as of now I don’t have a squad.”

“I’m sorry,” he replied quietly. 

“It’s fine.” Soles against the hardwood floor announced the arrival of Toole, poking their head into the common room.

“Yes, mux?” you asked, standing up and giving them a quick salute. 

“You and Sasha are on special prisoner care duties tomorrow. Meet at the dock at six,” Toole said. 

“Wait, _Sasha?”_ you demanded. _Sasha can’t be a part of that! How will she react when she sees Bert and Reiner?_

“Yes. Commander Erwin thought she should help you since you’ve worked with her before.”

“Does the Peace Commander and Combat Commander know he added Sasha?” you asked hurriedly.

“Is something wrong?” Sasha asked defensively, getting up and standing uncomfortably close to you.

“No, he just made the decision. Why? Don’t tell me you think you can handle the duties by yourself, because you can’t,” Toole said, folding their arms in front of their chest. 

“I . . .” You bit your lip. You could feel your friends’ eyes staring holes into your body. Hell, you could feel Sasha’s hot breath on your face. “Councilmember, this pertains to the mission I just came back from and I’m not at liberty to discuss the details with anyone but I can tell you that Sasha should not be performing those duties.”

“Oh yeah, that mission that Davidson and Dalca refused to tell anyone about. Mind filling me in on the details?” Toole questioned, voice dangerous. 

“I can’t, mux. Please, just take my word on this,” you begged them. 

“No, I’m not. Tell me what this is about. And that’s an order,” Toole said. You looked down, terrified at the decision you had to make.

“I was told not to tell any Walled Cities soldiers about this.” This was your last chance. The one last card you had to play.

“Seriously? That’s ridiculous. We’re one army here. You can tell your superiors and your peers the same information. You’re sounding like Commander Erwin and I don’t mean that as a compliment. What’s wrong?” Toole asked.

“We brought back informants who defected from the mountain village and they’re currently being held on the small island east of us. I was asked to keep quiet about it because having these informants may upset those from the Walled Cities.” You hoped you had worded it well enough to be vague, but from Eren grabbing you harshly and making you face him was any indicator, you had failed miserably.

“Are you fucking serious?! You brought Bertolt and Reiner here?!” he screamed, fire in his eyes. 

“It wasn’t my call, Eren. Let me go,” you told him. 

“Oh really?! Your boyfriend just happened to be recruited to be an informant?” Eren demanded.

“He’s not my boyfriend you piece of shit and I wasn’t the one that dragged him into this! He came to us wanting to help and I get you have a grudge, I do too, but just because I used to date him doesn’t mean I’m the reason he’s here? Yeah, I was on the team that brought him and Reiner to their prison here but I wasn’t the one who decided to recruit them. That was Davidson and Dalca’s doing. So you can shut your fucking trash mouth.” Toole sighed, putting their head in their hands.

“I can’t believe I’m saying this and know this is going against everything I’ve ever done and believe in, but I agree with Davidson and Dalca that it’d be for the best if this information isn’t public yet. You’re all sworn to secrecy until they make a formal announcement about it, you hear? I don’t want anyone but you kids knowing this. I’m going to go talk to Commander Erwin about this but in the meantime, don’t breathe a word. Got it?”

“Yes, mux,” you all replied.They left the room and all eyes turned back to you.

“Okay, spill. What’s the full story behind this?” Sasha demanded. You sighed and sat back down on the couch.

“I’d had a few run-ins with Bertolt and Reiner while I was on the diplomatic mission to their village and I made it clear that I wanted nothing to do with them, but they both kept trying to talk to me and apologize. Me and the other diplomats spoke to several of the military leaders. We wanted to form an alliance, but they declined. We’re enemies but you know what they say, ‘the enemy of my enemy is my friend.’ They were present during the hearings and they came to me afterwards and begged me to talk to Davidson about joining us. So I told her and we all met and talked about it and she okayed them to come to the islands and be our informants. Really I think she’s just having them as prisoners of war, but she got them here nonetheless.”

“It’s still your fault they’re here,” Eren said. “You’re the one that got them involved.”

“I was a middleman. I’m hardly the one that okayed them being here,” you defended yourself. 

“Yeager, just drop it,” Jean said. “None of us want those traitors here. Being an asshole to [First] isn’t going to solve anything.” 

“I’m sorry, am I missing something?” Marlo asked, looking around at everyone with confusion written on his face. “What’s the big deal about these two?” 

“You guys fill him in. I’m tired,” you said, walking back towards your dorm. _I’m done talking about this. I’m done talking about_

  
  


It took an hour to reach the island the next morning but it felt like years. Nerves made your stomach ache and the boring boat ride made the minutes drag. Guard towers were erected on the shores and there must have been a small army on the tiny island. 

_They’re really not taking any chances,_ you thought as you reached the dock. Part of you was thankful the journey was over but the other part of you was wishing you were anywhere but here.  _At least Toole got Sasha taken out of this chore,_ you thought thankfully as you were escorted to the prison and given your task checklist and supplies. A few guards gave you a weary look as you entered the small facility. It looked devoid of any other inmates besides Bertolt and Reiner, but the large amount of guards made up for this in numbers and the prison felt cramped as you made your way to the center of the building. The whole place looked rather old as well, walls looking like they’d crumble at the lightest touch. 

“Is this structure safe?” you asked one of the guards. She shrugged.

“Probably not. It’ll be torn down once this is all over,” she replied. “Davidson and Dalca will probably return it to the public or sell it off for some extra funding. Who knows.” 

Bertolt’s cell was the size of a standard dorm room. He was lying in a hammock, looking up at the ceiling. His head turned sharply as he heard you approaching, and the look of relief on his face was confusing. But looking around, the only interaction he would have are guards and they probably didn’t talk to him. He was probably lonely. You plopped down on the hard stone floor.

“So I managed to smuggle in some food for you,” you joked, reaching into your bag and putting some fruit through the bars of his cell wall. He walked over and sat in front of you.  

“Thank you,” he said, grabbing a banana and peeling it. From the way he ate it he didn’t seem hungry, but God did he savor that fruit. 

“Yeah, you wouldn’t believe how I got  that in here,” you told him. He gagged, making you laugh. “I’m joking, I’m joking. So . . . how’s prison been going?”

“Great up until you made that joke,” he retorted and you laughed harder. “Really, we’re fine here. Davidson and Dalca have been good to us. I mean, they’re letting me see you,” he pointed out. 

“Well, yeah, I’m bringing you guys food. The commanders can be harsh but they aren’t going to starve you guys,” you said. 

“Thankfully. Back home they wouldn’t hesitate to do that,” he said, taking another bite.

“Your home is pretty fucked up, though,” you said bluntly.

“This place isn’t perfect, either.”

“Yeah. But it’s home, you know?” Now that you were with him, you nerves seemed to calm and if it weren’t for the bars dividing you two, it’d feel like old times. “I’m just glad they’re treating you well.”

“I am too. I was worried we’d get mistreated, but so far it’s been all right here. I mean, they’re letting me see you.” _What a dork,_ you thought with a chuckle. You gave him a small smile. 

“You’re such a sap.”

  
  


“I still don’t know where to place Elite Cadet [Last],” Davidson said, looking at the squad roster. “I’d like her to work with Team Leader Georgia again, but for this mission I think she’d work better somewhere else.”

“Weren’t we talking about making our own elite squad that’ll mix with Captain Levi’s? Why don’t we put her there? She’ll work better with her old comrades anyways,” Dalca pointed out. 

“Then that giant squad will have two shifters,” Davidson replied.

“So? Cadet Yeager is still learning how to use his powers to their fullest extent. He needs someone with him who knows better. [Last] isn’t an expert but she’s better than nothing and she’ll be comfortable and work better on a squad with her friends,” Dalca said.

“Put her in special squad,” Erwin spoke up as he entered the small room. He shut the door and quickly sat down with the two women. “She works well with Levi’s squad members.” Dalca nodded and added your name to the roster. “Eska Toole will be heading the Islander’s elite squad, correct?”

“Yes.”

“Levi is very bad at working with others, so if this elite group doesn’t work out -”

“We’ll split them up,” Davidson finished. He nodded. “How are the other preparations?”

“They’re going smoothly. The backups from my home are ready to go into battle and meet us there for the ambush. But that’s not what I came here to talk about,” he said, giving the two a serious look. “I wanted to ask about your informants.”

“For the last time Erwin, we told you that we’re not giving up their identities. It’s not important anyway,” Dalca argued. 

“I have a right to know where we’re getting this information from,” he responded. Davidson sighed sharply and gave him a stern look.

“I understand your concerns, but I can guarantee our information is accurate and from trustworthy sources,” she said.

“How can you guarantee that, Kaimana?” he asked sharply. Davidson glanced at Dalca before giving Erwin a defeated look.

“Fine. You win. I’m tired of playing this game. When we went to the mountain village, two of their shifters defected to us. We’ve been getting information from them,” Davidson said. Erwin already looked grim and she know he wasn’t liking what he was hearing. “We know about Reiner Braun and Bertolt Hoover’s past, but the boys are genuine in the fact they want to help us kill the Beast Titan. We’ve been keeping them in line with threats and rewards if they cooperate with us. They still have loved ones and we’ve told them if they don’t give us correct information, we’ll kill them.”

“You took in mass murderers and then threatened to kill your own soldiers if they didn’t cooperate?” If anything, he sounded like he needed to clarify.

“We're not really going to kill our own, but they don't know that,” Dalca said. “I’d rather not kill for the sake of keeping informants in line, especially since I feel like those boys really do want to help. But we need to let them know we mean business just in case. If they work with us, they keep loved ones safe.” 

“That’s why we’re pulling certain soldiers out of training to perform ‘prisoner duties,’” Davidson said, putting air quotes over her last words. “It’s to show them we’re holding up our side of the bargain. They give us information, they get proof their loved ones are safe.”

“I’m still hesitant about following the advice of those two,” Erwin said.

“We know, but it’s not like we have any better leads anyway,” Dalca pointed out. “At this point, we just have to hope they held up their end of the bargain.” 

“What are you going to do with them after this battle is over?”

“We’re thinking we’ll either induct them into our military if they prove useful and dedicated to our cause or just keep them as prisoners.”

“I want custody of them. They need to pay for their crimes against my people.”

“I’m not giving them over to you. They can be useful to us.”

“Now wait just a minute Alanna,” Davidson interrupted, turning to her partner. “Reiner and Bertolt are useful _now,_ but what about once we defeat the Beast Titan? We don’t need two foreign shifters in our ranks.”

“We have Yeager in our ranks,” Dalca reminded her.

“We have an alliance with the Walled Cities. We don’t have one with the mountain village and frankly I don’t want them in our official roster. They can give us information, and maybe some labor, but I will not accept them into our army. And Erwin has a point. The boys are sweet but they’re murderers. It doesn’t make sense for us to keep them after they stop being useful.”

“They ranked in the top ten of their class. They’ll be useful as soldiers,” Dalca raised her voice. 

“I will not fight with them. I will take this to the council and they will all agree with me and Erwin that the Walled Cities should have custody of them. Do you really want to make a giant hooplah over two teenage boys?” Dalca gave her partner a dark look before leaning back in her chair.

“Fine. Once this battle is over and if they prove that they serve us no other purpose, Erwin will get custody of them and they’ll be put on trial.”

  



	23. Chapter 23

“Do the injections hurt?”

“A little. But it only lasts a few seconds.” You and Bertolt sat on the floor, his cell door in between you two as you conversed. Flowers were strewn around as you both made crowns out of them. It was an odd job to perform, and even odder considering Dalca had asked you to do it, but there were worse things she could make you two do. As usual, the guards were doing nothing but lazing around talking amongst themselves, so you two had no assistance. 

“Have you been constantly doped up ever since we got you two?” you inquired.

“Basically. It’s not too bad, though. It’s kind of nice, really. It makes me feel somewhat normal,” he confided in you. Recently, he’d been a lot more open with you than he had even been before, and vice versa. Maybe finding out you were shifters was a good thing in the sense that there were no more secrets between you two. It was a liberating feeling and although you definitely wished the circumstances were different, you liked this new aspect of your relationship with him.

“Would you have your powers taken away if you could?” you asked. He shrugged, lifting up the crown of anthuriums he was working on to inspect it.

“Maybe. I’d like to live a normal life so in that sense I would, but I don’t know if I could live normally after everything that’s happened to me. Not to mention it’s nice having a little extra kick to help you heal,” he added. You nodded in agreement. “What about you? Would you get rid of your powers?”

“No. I like having these powers and I mean, yeah, I would’ve like to have had a normal childhood, but this is who I am now and I think that I’d be capable of living a normal life after this is all over no matter what I am,” you said, glancing at your own flower crown, vibrant flowers mixing with strands of fake pearls and strips of lace. “I’d like to live a little before that happens, though.” As a child, you dreamed about the day you’d get to wear one of these flower crowns. All brides wore them and as a little girl, you’d often thought about marriage and once you started dating Bertolt, it was a thought. A fantasy. Perhaps if you hadn’t found out about his secret and all of this drama happened, you would have married him once you turned twenty. Or sooner; after all, by Walled Cities’ standard, you were already an adult. You put the crown on and wished there was a mirror you could have seen yourself in. “How do I look?”

“Incredible,” he replied sweetly. You felt heat rise to your cheeks and you prayed you weren’t too red. He put his half-finished one of his head, a crooked grin on his lips. “How do I look?” This was a sight you never thought you would see; after all, the Walled Cities didn’t have these flowers so wearing these crowns was a far off dream. But here he was, bright red flowers with yellow spadixes wrapped around his head and it sent a painful twitch through your heart. As open and wonderful things were now, it was easy to pine for the days when you were dating and everything was so sweet and loving.  _Maybe one day we can go back to that if I survive this war,_ you thought.

“A mixture between adorable and handsome,” you said. You reached into the bars and fixed the lopsided headpiece. “There you go.”

“Thanks,” he chuckled. “What are these for, anyway? I know prisons put inmates to work, but this seems like a weird job.”

“They’re for weddings,” you explained, taking your crown off and starting another one. “In our military, we always have an influx of them right before battles. Couples want to be married before they go off and possibly die.”

“I guess that makes sense,” he said, taking off the crown. “But doesn’t that mean you have a large widow population?”

“Kind of. We definitely have widows but our army prides itself in saving the most lives possible. Our casualty rates aren’t  bad, but they aren’t perfect, you know?”

“Yeah, I get it,” he said. “So, couples wear these when they get married or are they for the minister?”

“The couples. It’s an old tradition. You wear a flower crown and your marriage is supposed to be fertile and will thrive, or something like that. I never really paid attention to the vows and chants at weddings, to be honest,” you admitted, cracking a small smile. “I was always too busy daydreaming.” 

“Really? About getting married?”

“Yeah. I mean, you know I get distracted easily so when there’s a ceremony like that it was easy to get lost in my head.”

“I never would have thought you’d want to get married,” he said. “I always assumed if I asked, you’d say no.” 

“Were you going to propose to me?!” you demanded, giving him a shocked look. 

“No! Well, I mean, eventually I was going to. I thought about it once or twice but I always figured I’d ask you if we survived our teen years. I was under the impression you wouldn’t be the kind of girl that wanted to get married and so I just imagined you say no. You’re such a free spirit,” he explained as a slight blush rose to his cheeks. You didn’t have to see yourself to know you were blushing too.

“Well, you’re not wrong. I’d like to explore the world first before settling down. I have shit to do before I marry and have babies. If I have babies. I’m still not sure how I feel about that,” you added. You laughed. “To be honest, I always thought if I did have a baby it’d be when we were dating and it’d be like, ‘hey remember that time when we snuck off after bathing? Well there’s kind of a little accident growing in me now.’” He choked, dropping everything in his hands. When the guards looked over they were greeted to the sight of you laughing hysterically on the floor and Bertolt’s bright red face poorly hidden by his hands. 

  
  


The colosseum where military events were held had hardly changed since you first came here years and years ago to show off your shifting powers. It had a fresh coat of paint but was otherwise the same. You sat with Toole and the rest of the diplomacy team as you waited for Erwin, Davidson, and Dalca to take the stage and explain the plan to everyone. A few rows down you could see Squad Levi and you wished you could sit with them. 

“How did prisoner duties go?” Toole asked suddenly, grey eyes glancing towards you. “Did anyone give you any trouble?”

“No, no one gave me trouble,” you replied. “Well, except Dalca who’s forcing us to make flower crowns.”

“I heard about that. I actually got one yesterday and it was very beautifully made. My husband’s though, not so much,” Toole admitted.

“Yeah, Bertolt isn’t the best at it,” you chuckled. 

“What about your other friends? Yeager isn’t antagonizing you anymore?”

“No, mux. He’s not. I haven’t seen him much actually since I started performing prisoner duties, but when I do see him he’s been fine.” They nodded.

“Good. I already had to have a talk with him so I’m glad I don’t have to have another,” they said as the three commanders took the stage. All looked rather intimidating: Erwin with his stature, Davidson with her queen-like presence, and Dalca with her astute looks.  _No wonder they’re leaders. Talk about having the right look for the job,_ you thought, watching as they stepped towards the edge of the stage. 

“Good evening, soldiers. Tonight we will briefly go over what’s going to happen in the next few weeks,” Dalca began. 

“After due consideration from both sides, we’ve devised an attack strategy that, if pulled off correctly, will eliminate our largest threat: the Beast Titan,” Erwin said. 

“We have informants who have told us where he resides and the weak spots of his base. We will go to those spots and surround him with the full strength of our armies. Back up from the Walled Cities Garrison and Military Police will join us. A special squad will go and take him out specifically,” Davidson explained.

“Our expedition will take a month. We leave in two weeks and tomorrow you will all meet your expedition squadmates and start training with them,” Dalca said.  _Two weeks?! Why are we leaving so soon? I don’t think I’m ready for that._ “We’re mixing you all up to promote unity, so each squad will have a mix of Walled Cities and Islander soldiers. Each squad will also have one shifter with them in case drastic measures must be taken.”

“You will all learn more about your roles within your squad tomorrow, so for now, our discussion is over. More debriefing will occur. Get some rest tonight. We’re heading into a storm,” Erwin said grimly and the pit in your stomach grew. 

  
  


The next morning you checked the bulletin board outside your dormitory, scanning the squad list for your name. 

_Eren’s with Captain Levi, no surprise there, so are my friends, also no surprise . . . Georgia has her own team, of course . . . Ah! I’m on Toole’s squad! We’re meeting on the beach under the Kauai Palm. Ugh, I hope they don’t make us run on the sand. That’s the fucking worst._ There was a direct path to the beach from the training grounds but with everyone scrambling to meet their squads that morning, there was a lot of traffic as you made your way towards the shore. 

When you reached the large palm tree you saw a few friends sitting on the grass, lounging in the large tree’s shade. There were a few people you didn’t recognize, but surprisingly you saw the inseparable trio of Eren, Armin, and Mikasa.

“Guys, what are you doing here?!” you called out to them, hurrying over to them. “Toole’s squad is meeting here.”

“So is Captain Levi’s,” Mikasa said, dark eyes watching as you sat down beside her.

“That’s weird. I wonder if we’re doing exercises together,” you said. 

“Maybe. Who knows?” Armin shrugged. You sat chatting for a few minutes until the rest of Squad Levi showed up, followed by Captain Levi and Councilmember Toole walking together. Everyone rushed to their feet, giving their superiors the proper salute. 

“At ease, everyone,” Levi said.  _Does that apply to me,_ you wondered, and you decided to take the chance. “Let’s sit down and talk about what our role is here.” 

“Our commanders have decided to try something different,” Toole said, wasting no time as everyone sat down. “As of now, Squad Levi and Squad Toole are one giant squad with two captains.”

“If this arrangement doesn’t work out, Eska and I will split up our squads and we’ll operate normally,” Levi continued. “But we want this to work so we’re going to be friendly and work well with each other, all right?” Armin raised his hand. “Yeah?”

“Sir, why are we making a large group? Aren’t most squads five to seven people?” he asked.

“We’ve got a special job and the commanders want to make sure we don’t fuck up. This is basically insurance,” Levi answered. 

“Our role in this mission is to stay alive and once we ambush the Beast Titan, take him out,” Toole said. Alarm bells were ringing in your head and waves of nausea crashed against the walls of your stomach.  _What?! Why am I in this squad?! Why am I a part of the squad that has the highest chance of dying?!_ “From now until the expedition, we’re going to be building our strength, agility, and precision when it comes to delivering killing blows. In addition to this, you all have special skill sets that will be vital to the mission succeeding and you’ll be perfecting and honing those skills from now until we leave.”

“I think that’s enough talking for now. We need to get to work. Let’s take a five laps around the courtyard for a warm up,” Levi said.

  
  


Training under Levi and Toole was hard, and while most of your squadmates felt stronger after every session you just felt more stressed out. Nausea was constantly plaguing your stomach and you blanched at every mention of the mission. To be honest, you didn’t want to go. You didn’t want to think the worst, but it scared you to think these might be your final days. 

You gasped for air as you ripped yourself out of the nape of your titan form, the cool breeze feeling like heaven on your burning skin. To be free of that cramped, hot inferno was such a blissful feeling. Eren followed suit, pulling himself out of his titan. 

“How are you feeling?!” you yelled over to him as you pulled your feet out of the sinewy mess. 

“I’m fine. What about you?!” he yelled back.

“I’m hot but I’m fine too!” you shouted. Using your gear, you made a graceful descent onto the ground. Levi and Toole approached you and waved Eren over. He was over in no time.

“Good work today. Eren, you’re improving drastically and [First], your fine-tuning is coming along well,” Toole said, a faint note of pride in their voice. “You two will be deadly on the battlefield. You should be proud of yourselves.”

“But don’t let this go to your head. Anything can happen out there,” Levi reminded you two.  _Like I don’t know that,_ you thought. “But Eska has a point; you two are coming along very well. Your specialty skills, however . . .”

“I’ve told you sir, I don’t have a specialty,” Eren said. 

“I know and that’s why you aren’t improving,” Levi replied. “If shifting is the only power you have, you need to work on killing titans with your gear.” His blue eyes flitted towards you. “What about you? What’s your skill? Pickpocketing?”

“I was going to give you back your coin purse! I was just seeing if I still had the skill!” you defended yourself. 

“[First] is good at throwing knives,” Eren piped up. 

“Oh, is she now?” Levi asked skeptically, giving you a side-eyed look. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” you demanded. Toole put a hand on your shoulder.

“Calm down, there’s no need to start anything over this. I’ll go get you some knives and you can show off,” they said, giving you a light squeeze before heading over to the armory. 

“Does anyone else on your squad know how to throw knives?” Levi asked.

“I have no idea, sir. If I had to guess, I’d say I’m the only one,” you told him. He nodded.

“If you’re good enough, I want you to teach Arlert and Yeager how to throw knives as well. It always pays to have more than one person have the same specialty.”

“If I’m good enough?” you repeated, feeling somewhat insulted by his words.  _Oh, this is it. I’m going to show him who’s boss at this._ Toole came back carrying a bucket full of knives and a small table under their arm. They placed it near some targets and placed the knives along the table.

“All right, so here’s what’s going to happen. I’m going to time you and see how many knives you can throw in a minute. Got it?” Levi asked. You nodded and exhaled slowly, looking back at the target.  _I can do this. I can do this._ “Ready, set, go!” As fast as you could, you picked up blades and threw them at the bull’s eye. One, two, four, seven, nine, eleven knives ended up being thrown when Levi called your time. Your arms ached ever so slightly and your stomach lurched from nervousness as Levi sauntered over to the target. 

“Not bad,” he said, pulling a knife out of the target and inspecting it. “Not bad at all. I think I have a special job for you.” 

  
  


It was getting close to curfew as you sat in Bertolt’s prison, fingers playing with the flowers in a crown you had just finished. Tomorrow morning you left for the expedition and you were feeling terrified at the thought of coming face to face with the Beast Titan. It didn’t help you were forbidden to speak about the mission, so you couldn’t vent to Bertolt. Hell, this may be the last time you ever saw him and it killed you not to talk to him about what was bothering you. But he seemed to know something was up as he seemed more talkative tonight, picking up the conversation when you couldn’t contribute. 

“I heard the guards say you’ll be gone for three weeks to a month,” he was saying. “I’m going to miss you. I’ve gotten used to seeing you every few days.”

“Yeah. I’m going to miss this too. We’ll just have to pick this up if I get back.” He nodded sullenly.

“Has anyone we known gotten married?” he asked. You shook your head. 

“No one in our friend group. I think Lucy and Patrick talked about it, but no one from the Walled Cities. One of the councilmembers did a few days ago.” Bertolt had looked so handsome in that flower crown. He would have looked so good in traditional wedding garb, clad in loose pants and the ceremonial sash. The image of him dressed like a groom made your heart ache and for a moment, you considered asking him to marry you in case you didn’t come back alive. Even if it was for one night, you wanted to be Mrs. [First] Hoover. You wanted at least that much to be done before you died. You knew you still loved him despite what he was, but you had a promise to keep. You wouldn’t talk about your relationship until after this was over. But that was assuming you’d live. What if you didn’t? 

“Bertolt, I . . . I know we said we’d talk about us once this war is over, but to be honest I don’t know if I’m going to be alive that long,” you said, feeling the walls you had build up crumble. “There’s no guarantee I’ll make it back home -”

“Hey, don’t talk like that,” he interrupted, fingers brushing some hair out of your face.

“But it’s true! These might be my last days on earth and I just want to have a solid ending. I don’t want anything to be left uncertain,” you confided in him, hot tears stinging your eyes. “I love you and I know I can never forgive you for what you’ve done, but I know what pressure you did that under and I know how much it traumatized you and I know you’re still the shy, sweet boy who stood by my side all through training and I really love you and I still want to be with you. You are not perfect and you have blood on your hands but I love you and I’m sorry I’m rambling and I’m trying not to cry and it’s hard to express what I’m feeling, but I still care about you and I still want you in my life.” 

“I don’t deserve you,” he blurted out, reaching out for your hands. “You’re too good for me but I appreciate everything you do and everything you’ve done. You’re funny and you understand me and I could go on all night singing your praises. I still want to be with you too.”

“I want to get married!” The words were out of your mouth before you could stop them. 

“I-I don’t have a ring for you,” he stammered.

“I don’t need a ring. I just need you,” you replied.

“Are you sure?” 

“I’ve never been this sure in my life.”

“Then let’s do it. I don’t know how, but let’s get married.” A few tears fell from your eyes and a smile broke out on your face.

“Hey! Can one of you guys marry us?!” you yelled over to the guards. 

“Seriously? You guys are pretty young,” one of the guards said.

“Let them do it. It’s not like they can’t get divorced if things don’t work out,” another said. “You’re only young once and she’s going off on the mission. Just go with it.”

“I’m never going to understand military culture,” the first guard said. “All right, let’s do this. I can probably remember the speech if I think hard enough.” You grabbed one of the flower crowns on the ground, hands shaking ever so slightly as you put the wreath of flowers and fake pearls on you head. This felt so surreal in the most beautiful way. To see Bertolt in a groom’s flower crown, to be getting married at a prison. It was weird in all ways but you wouldn’t change it for anything. You had never felt so alive.

“Stand up and let’s get this over with,” the guard said and you two obeyed him. Bertolt’s hands reached out for yours, calloused skin rough but warm between your fingers. “Ah shit how does it start again . . . oh, right. Tonight we’re celebrating the union between these two souls, Bertolt Hoover and uh, [First] [Last]. They ask the gods to bless their relationship and guide them through the years they will spend together. Uh, something about love is eternal and asking the gods to protect that love. Hoover, say your vows.”

“Wait, what?” he asked. The guard rolled his eyes.

“Say your vows. Make some promises that you can actually keep.”

“Oh. I, uh, I promise to protect you and stop you from getting into fights with people. I promise I’ll always love you and I’ll be the best husband I can be, and I just want to make you feel loved and appreciated every single day and I want to spend the rest of our days together no matter what,” he said, squeezing your hands as more tears streamed down your face. He glanced at the guard to silently say he was done.

“[Last], it’s your turn,” he said apathetically. You nodded, sniffing and using your sleeve to wipe away the tears.

“I promise I’ll try not to get into too many fights, and that I’ll love you forever and I’ll try and be the partner you deserve to be with and I want you to feel loved too and I’ll do my best to make you happy and I just really love you,” you said, choking on your words and you kicked yourself because of how much you were crying. You couldn’t tell if it was because you were happy or if it was the result of pent-up fear from the past few weeks.

“How sweet. May the gods bless your marriage and help keep your love for each other strong. Your marriage is approved by the gods and may you live long lives together. You can kiss the bride. But don’t expect to be able to consummate your marriage,” the guard added harshly. But you didn’t pay attention to him. You leaned forward in what was probably the most wonderful and most awkward kiss of your life. The kiss itself was full of love and unspoken promises, his lips warm and full but metal bars biting into your face and chilling your skin. 

“I love you,” Bertolt whispered, nose pressed against yours.

“I love you too,” you replied.

  
  


The morning of the expedition felt unlike anything you’d ever experienced. Fear flowed through your veins but you also felt a sense of renewal and motivation. The memory of last night made you smile ear to ear and if anything, you felt even more driven to return home to Bertolt. Now that you were married, you had more of an obligation to make it back alive and in that groggy, tired, but exalted state of mind you vowed you would do whatever it took to make it back alive.


	24. Chapter 24

_Don’t freak out, don’t freak out, don’t freak out, don’t freak out,_ you chanted in your head, trying to steady your breathing as you rode through the forest. Blood covered you from head to toe, seeping through your clothes and stiffening the fabric of your uniform. Your arm had been bitten by a titan while fighting in a skirmish, but that wasn’t the source of all the blood. One of your comrades had fallen victim to a titan and you had been too late to save him, in the process getting your arm injured, getting drenched in blood, and nearly losing your life yourself

“Hang right! The fortress is not too far from here!” Toole yelled. “Our objective is to get to there safely!”

“Yes, mux!” you yelled along with your squadmates, albeit your yell was a little shaky. Glancing behind you, you looked out for any more titans. None were in sight, but surely there were ones lurking in the shadows of the trees. It was getting late and the lack of sunlight was really affecting visibility in this forest.  _At least we’ll be there soon,_ you thought, but your stomach still felt sick from nerves. Already this week you had four close calls. You were ready to go home and be safe.  _What wouldn’t I give to be back on the island, sitting on the prison floor talking with Bertolt._

The stone castle came into view, thick doors and thicker window shutters keeping the titans out. It seemed you were near the last to arrive at the fortress. Soldiers were milling around the stables, putting horses in stalls and maneuvering wagons into the large area so unloading could take place somewhere relatively safe. You sighed a breath of relief as you entered the stables, doors shutting and locking behind you.  _One more day. I’ve gotten to live for one more day._

“Good work today, soldiers. Let’s unload and get settled in for the night. We’ve got a big day tomorrow,” Toole said, swinging their legs over their horse and getting off. You wasted no time in getting off your own horse and stretching, cringing as you felt your blood-stiffened fabric scratch at your body. 

“Tch, your uniform is ruined,” Captain Levi commented, wrinkling his nose at you. “Throw what you can burn into a fire and get yourself clean before you do any work.”

“Yes, sir,” you replied. He made to keep walking but paused, blue eyes gently sliding back to you.

“Are you okay?”  _When have I ever been okay on this mission?_

“As okay as I can be.” 

“Good. I’ll see you when we regroup. Now go wash off.” You nodded and left the stables, entering one of the several halls in the castle. Right now all you needed was a quiet place to get clean and to cry without having anyone hear you.

  
  


Thirty minutes later you emerged from an underground room, rubbing your eyes to get rid of any itch left over from crying. No one noticed your absence it seemed, various groups staking out various spots around the fortress, eating their food and relaxing after a hard day. You knew reinforcements were supposed to meet you here, but it seemed like only a few, maybe one hundred at the most, had shown up and were walking around mingling with the other soldiers. 

_This doesn’t look good,_ you thought.

“Hey, Marlo, have you seen my squad?” you asked him as you saw him sitting with a few Islander recruits. 

“Yeah, they went up that staircase over there,” he said, pointing towards a lone stairwell at the far corner of the castle.

“All right. Thanks.” Without another word, you went up towards them. Your friends were hidden away in a tower of the fortress, rations spread out like a meager buffet and eating what they could. Throwing your stuff next to Sasha’s, you sat down in between her and Armin and started digging into the rations, adding your own to the pool of food.

“You know, I really expected more backups from the Walled Cities,” you commented as you grabbed a banana. 

“I know. I guess a lot got killed on the way here. They’re not trained for titan combat like we were,” Armin said. 

“That makes sense,” Jean replied with a shrug. “You know, I was thinking the same thing. We barely lost anyone in the overthrow and yet we have only one hundred backups for this battle.”

“I guess Davidson and Dalca should’ve made more of our military come. If only we’d known so few would have made it here,” you said. 

“At least we’re still in good shape for fighting the Beast Titan tomorrow,” Eren said.

“We stand a pretty good chance against him, lots of backup or not,” Mikasa piped up. Footsteps rung through the stairway and Toole and Levi appeared in the small area, relief on their faces.

“You fucking brats, we’ve been looking everywhere for you,” Levi said, sitting down beside Sasha. “When I said sleep on a top level I didn’t mean find the most remote part of the fucking fortress.” 

“At least we found them. Excuse me,” Toole said, getting between you and Armin. You cozied up to Sasha to give them more room. “All right, we’ve lost some people along the way, but if we keep up our decent track record, we’ll be in good shape for the ambush tomorrow.” 

“Remember our plan. We will only engage titans if necessary. We need to swoop in and take out the Beast Titan. That is our goal. Once we’ve completed that, then you can help everyone else fight off the titans. No doubt we’re going to run into them tomorrow. And don’t forget, this guy maybe be able to turn people into titans so we need to act quickly before he gets any of us,” Levi instructed.

“Sir, what do we do if one of us gets turned into a titan?” Connie asked. Levi looked to Toole.

“People don’t automatically get absorbed by their titan form, so you can cut them out. You’ll latch on and cut at the nape and spine and dig them out. Remember, if you cut too deep you’ll kill them but if you go to shallow, you won’t save them. Keep that in mind,” they replied. 

“So, really it might take a while to save someone?” Sasha asked.

“Yes.” She bit her lip and nodded, looking downtrodden at that prospect.

“But our goal is to take him out fast enough that we won’t have to worry about that,” Levi butted in. “So let’s focus on taking out the Beast Titan as fast as possible.”

“Yes, sir,” you all chimed in.

“Now get some rest. We leave as soon as it’s light enough to see outside.” Toole stood up and gave you all a stern look. “You need all the sleep you can get. Tomorrow will be hell.”

“Yes, mux,” everyone replied. Levi got up and left with his co-captain, leaving all of you in silence.

“You heard them,” one of the Islander soldiers on Toole’s said, spreading out his thin sleeping mat. “We should get rest. We have a big day tomorrow.” 

“It’s only what, eight o’clock?” Connie said. “We can stay up for at least another hour or two.” 

“Normally I’d be all for a sleepover, but I’m exhausted too,” Jean said with a yawn. “I think going to bed early is a good idea.” With a rather hesitant and silent agreement, everyone put their rations away for the morning and went to bed. The tower was pitch black as you laid there trying to sleep. No stars, no candlelight, nothing. Sasha’s arm was thrown over your waist, face buried in your hair as she slept. She was a pretty big cuddler so it wasn’t like this was new to you, but the feeling of someone spooning you like this made you think of the few times you and Bertolt had managed to sneak into each other’s dorms and slept together. 

_I wish Bertolt was here,_ you thought.  _ I just need him to hold me right now. Hell, I just need him.  I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be around all this death anymore. I just want to be with him and have that happy ending. I don’t want to fight titans and risk my life anymore. I just want to have a normal life. _ Tears welled up in your eyes for the second time this night.  _But what do I do once I get home? I can’t live with Bertolt. He’s in prison and I don’t think they’ll let me stay in there with him. I can’t kid myself, I’m never going to have that normal life. I’m never going to be able to live with him and I’d be surprised if they let us have a moment alone to get me knocked up. So what are we going have? Are we just going to be married legally and that’s it? We live separately, we don’t have that married life?_

_And what if I don’t come back? Who’s going to tell him I died? How is he going to react?_ A few tears escaped your eyes as a painful sore feeling spread through your throat.  _What’s going to happen to me? What’s going to happen to us?_ Your fingers found Sasha’s and wove themselves into hers. You felt slightly disgusted at yourself for using Sasha as a Bertolt surrogate, but right now you needed affection like you needed air.  _I just want to go home alive and be with him and live normally._

  
  


Morning came far too early for your liking, with Armin gently shaking you and Sasha. Both of her arms had managed to wrap around your body and her head was pressed against your shoulder. Your hands still held hers and a blush creeped onto your face as you realized everyone could see you two cuddling. Sasha yawned and pulled herself away from you, stretching. 

“You know, going from Bertolt to Sasha is quite the type jump, [First],” Jean grinned as he ate breakfast.

“Shut up, Jean! Cuddling makes sleeping  way more peaceful, right?” She looked expectantly at you.

“Right.”  Well, I mean she’s not wrong. Jean just smirked and passed your ration bags to you. There was the sound of someone running up the stairs and Toole poked their head into the tower room.

“Thank God you’re awake. Come on, pick up the pace, people,” they said. “We leave in fifteen minutes.”

“Yes, mux,” a few of you mumbled. You shoved an apple into your mouth as you rolled up your supplies and packed them away. Despite how sick you felt, you managed to eat the entire apple and not throw it up in the time it took for you to drop your things off with the supplies team and saddle up your horse.  _No throwing up today,_ you told yourself sternly, playing absentmindedly with a knife.  _Your goal is to take down the Beast Titan and stay alive. No vomiting today._ Captain Levi rode past you and motioned for you and your teammates to follow him out. Steeling your nerves and putting your knife back into one of the many sheaths strapped to your body, you followed him out, falling into place in the formation. Everyone was heading towards the Beast Titan’s lair and the moment of reckoning was here.

  
  


The fortress, and the lair, were not that far from a mountain range. “He resides in the lowest dip of the mountains,” Toole had said long ago when you all had been training. “We’re going to go there and face him head on. If we’re lucky, we’ll be able to sneak up on him and take him out while he’s asleep.” But as you approached the area you found it was crawling with titans and although you all tried taking them out as quietly as possible, the fact was fighting titans was not the quietest occupation in the world. Eren growled as he finished one off and got back into position.

“I’m going to scream if we have to engage another titan that’s not our target,” he seethed. 

“I know, who would have thought so many titans would be in this area?” you commented. 

“I hope he’s not sending them out to get us,” Connie worried. 

“Doubt it. They probably just linger in this area since we’re here,” Armin said reassuringly. You sighed, hoping he was right.  _I don’t like the idea of fighting something that can summon titans._ The dip in the mountains laid in front of you and if the area had been populated by humans, it would’ve made a great area for a road to cut through the mountain.  _ This is it, this is our chance to take him down. Our biggest chance of gaining peace. _

A flare shot through the air and you grit your teeth.  _Shit. More titans? This is going to be as bad as I thought._ And speak of the devil, a few more large titans approached from the mountainside, grotesque grins on their faces.

“There’s no chance of changing course now. We’ll have to engage them if they get close enough, but remember our main goal,” Captain Levi called out.

“Don’t engage unless absolutely necessary,” Toole commanded. 

“Got it!” you all called out. More flares went up into the air and it was then you realized this was a bigger problem than imagined. Titans were pouring out of the gap at a huge rate and came running at you, drool dripping from their mouths and hands ready to grab at victims.

“FIGHT!” Toole screamed, engaging their gear and heading straight for a titan. You gritted your teeth and did the same, aiming for a larger titan and latching onto its arm. You swung around and sliced its nape. As it fell to the ground you went for a smaller one, easily killing it and so your rhythm was built, going after one after another whether it was on your own or helping others take titans down. Energy was draining from your body, constant moving and anxiety sapping power away from you.  _No, I can’t stop now,_ you thought as you helped a few Islanders take down a very large twenty-meter titan.  _I need to keep going. I can’t stop._

From the dip in the mountains came the Beast Titan, looking at all of you quizzically.

“I was wondering what those flares were about,” he said in his deep, growl-like voice that sent shivers down your spine. Even though he looked confused he wasted no time joining the battle, going after you all. He grabbed titans and hurled them towards all of you. You shot out wires in a frenzy, trying to avoid the flying titans. 

“GET BACK ON YOUR HORSES!” Toole screeched, landing haphazardly on their own. You found yours trailing you flawlessly beside you and you let yourself drop onto her (albeit a little painfully). The rest of your squad was dropping onto their horses and Levi’s hawk-like eyes watched them very carefully.

_“NOW!”_ Captain Levi shouted as soon as everyone was back on, giving the signal for you all to split up. His squad, lead by Mikasa, went right while Toole’s split off to the left, both merging with the commanders’ squads. You and Levi rode straight on and you could feel your heart pounding in your chest. 

“You’re gonna get him for me, right?” Levi asked, his blue eyes trained on your teammates.

“Of course, sir” you replied. Inhaling shakily, you engaged your gear. Your heart was pounding so hard you thought it might stop. Hooks latched into the Beast Titan’s legs, then belly, and then shoulders while your teammates shredded his arms. You sailed up into the sky, higher than you'd ever been before as you shot yourself high above the Beast Titan’s head. Praying to God that you wouldn't die, you let go of your maneuver gear controls and quickly pulled your knives out. You flung them into the Beast Titan's eyes. He visibly flinched and you kept going, throwing five more knives into his eyes before falling too low under him to hit anything. You scrambled for your maneuver gear controls, trying to grab at the connecting cables.  _Shit, I can't get them!_ You were falling faster and faster and becoming more panicked; if you didn't get them in time, you'd be be dead as soon as you hit the ground. From this height there was no chance of survival, even for a titan shifter. 

Arms wrapped around your waist, a body hitting you like a bullet and pulling you to the safety of a tree. Despite your feet shaking, you found your footing on the thick tree branch high above the ground.  _Oh fuck, that was close,_ you thought, clinging tighter to the body holding you. You didn’t have to look up to know it was Georgia.

"You okay?" she asked. You laughed nervously, feeling adrenaline course uncomfortably in your veins. 

"I'm fine. Thank you," you replied. 

A loud battle cry erupted from the battlefield, rising above the already loud din of the violence. Levi flew towards the Beast Titan and with a splash of red, his nape was cut. A loud roar erupted from the army as the body fell towards the ground. You and Georgia screamed, pure joy flooding your system as you watched the titan hit the ground.

The Beast Titan lay lifeless on the grassy forest floor.

The war had been won.

  
  


Although it was late and there was still a lot to be done before the world was truly safe, the armies were celebrating. You watched as people danced, the Walled Cities folk dancing clashing with the traditional dancing of your home. Clapping and loud singing replaced instruments and you were sure it was echoing through the mountains. Armin spun you around before pulling you back to him, guiding you through a dance. He dipped you suddenly, making you screech and then giggle.

"Jesus Armin, you're in a good mood," you said.

"Well, we've had a big victory!" he said, giving you a warm smile. "Why shouldn't we all celebrate? We still have to deal with titans and the mountain village, but we're one big step closer to making this world safe!"

"Fair point," you replied.

"If you survive the rest of this, what are you going to do? Are you going back to Wame or Trost?" he asked.

"I think I'll head back to Wame nu Maka, but I think I want to do diplomacy work instead of combat."

"I never thought I'd hear you say that," he said. "You know, you've changed a lot since we first met."

"We all have," you shrugged. "After everything we've been through it'd be hard not to. But what about you? what do you wanna do once this is over?"

"I'd like to travel the world. But once that's over, I'd like to settle in Wame. In fact, I was wondering that if you're still not married by the time I stop exploring, could we be roommates?" You weren’t sure if it was Armin’s sweetly optimistic face or his comment that made your heart hurt more. You weren’t ready to tell anyone about your marriage but you didn’t want to let Armin down. 

"Of course! Armin, I'd love to share a house with you!" you said. 

"Thank you! I'm so glad you said yes! I wasn't sure if you would, what with deciding where to stay or what's going to happen to Bertolt." You knew he meant no harm and yet his words stung like a hundred knives slicing into your flesh.

“I, well, I don’t know what’s going to happen with me and Bertolt,” you admitted. “I’ll just have to play it by ear, you know?” He nodded and you two continued dancing. Davidson approached you two, a warm smile on her lips.

“Great job out there today, cadets. You both did a phenomenal job,” she said, putting her arms over your shoulders. “You are truly on your way to becoming great soldiers. And that’s what I need to talk to you about.”

“Oh, what is it, Peace Commander?” you asked her genially.

“Commander Erwin and I have been talking and we’ve decided we’re going to split up our armies. Armin, you’ll be heading back to Trost along with your squad and [First], Alanna and I have both decided we want you to accompany her and the others back to Trost as well,” she said brightly.

“Wait, what? I’m going to Trost with Combat Commander? Who else from Wame is going?” you inquired. 

“It’ll just be you two. Toole will be helping us here, so you’ll be transferred into Captain Levi’s squad temporarily,” Davidson said. “I expect you to be on your best behavior while you’re there, okay? And make sure Alanna doesn’t step out of bounds.”

“I-I . . . can do, Peace Commander!” you stammered, trying to hide your disappointment.  _I’m not going to see Bertolt? Why am I getting transferred back into the walls?_ She smiled and gave you a side hug.

“Good girl! Now enjoy your night! We’ve made a big step and we should celebrate!” She walked away. Armin reached out and squeezed your shoulders, looking utterly delighted. 

“This is great! You’re coming back to Trost with us! It’ll be just like old times!” he said cheerfully. You put on a brave face and smiled back at him.

“Yeah, it will be.”

  
  


It was a gorgeous day as you approached Wall Rose. The sky was was streaks of pastels, red, orange, pink, lilac stripes bleeding into each other over your head, and fluffy golden clouds glided gracefully as they traversed the sky. You rode alongside Squad Levi towards the back of the formation with Sasha, who looked at the walls as if they were a blessing. But they didn’t bring you the relief you thought they would. Sure, you were excited about not having to worry about fighting titans for a little longer, but the walls felt even more cage-like than usual, looming over you as you rode towards the opening gate. 

The sound of horses running seemed to get louder and at first you thought it was noise from inside the walls pouring out, but you realized it was coming from outside. To your left came a very small group of soldiers, maybe ten total, riding towards you. You recognized them all, but you felt confused.  _Wait, what are they doing? They weren’t at the battle with the Beast Titan. What are they doing here?_

“Wait, what?” Sasha voiced your thoughts aloud. “Why are they outside the walls?”

“Don’t worry about it,” Levi replied. 

“Uh, sir?” Armin asked.

“I’m not at liberty to talk about it,” he replied.  _A secret mission? Can I even assume that’s what it was? What’s going on here?_ You rode through the gate and approached a cheering crowd. Civilians were screaming their blessings and thanks as you all headed towards the military base. Commander Erwin and Combat Commander Dalca were at the head at the formation; surely they had spread word that humanity’s greatest foe had been defeated. You waved to the crowds with a smile;  _I might as well give them what they want,_ you thought. Several bright, young faces were among the crowd throwing flowers at you. You made sure to catch them all and by the time you reached the military base you had a very small flower crown perched upon your head. 

As you put your horse away in the stables you noticed Dalca speaking to some soldiers that although they seemed to be from your home, they were already lounging around and came up to her as you all got there.  _Okay, what the fuck is going on? Why were they here before us? None of this is making any sense._ You had just gotten off your horse as Dalca approached you, looking at you softly.

“I need you to go put your gear and weapons away. Meet me in the mess hall in five minutes,” she said before turning on her heel and leaving.  _Well that isn’t cryptic,_ you thought sarcastically. But you obeyed her orders and in a few minutes you met her and she led you down into the underbelly of the base. 

“Ma’am, I’m really confused by everything going on. I keep seeing soldiers here that weren’t a part of the Beast Titan mission. I thought all troops were deployed,” you said as you two walked down a hall. She nodded.

“Truth be told, not all of them were. A select few were remaining here and another were running a secret mission that you’re not cleared to know about yet,” she replied. She opened a door to another stairwell and led you down it. You went past a door and went to the very bottom of the base. There were only two rooms here, both leading to cells. “Take your jacket, harness, and boots off. Stand so I can pat you down.”

“You want to pat me down?” you asked in confusion as you did what she asked.

“I need to make sure you don’t have any concealed weapons,” she said. 

“Combat Commander, what’s this about?” you asked. You spread your legs and put your arms up. She sighed heavily before patting your body.

“Bertolt and Reiner are here. They’re facing trial for their crimes tomorrow and I want you to see your husband right now. Yes, I know. The guards at our prison told me and Davidson what you did,” she added when you made a shocked face. Your stomach felt violently sick and you wanted to throw up then and there. 

“They’re going on trial?!” you demanded. Dalca nodded. 

“We can talk about this more later. I was only able to convince Erwin and the others to let you see him for a short time, so make the most of that and then we’ll talk. I know you’re a good girl, [First], and I’m going to trust you. Don’t make me regret my decision, okay?” 

“Okay.” Your voice was barely above a whisper. She unlocked a thick wooden door and gently pushed you in. “I’m locking you in and I’ll be in the stairwell. You have forty-five minutes.” WIth that she locked the door behind you and retreated towards the stairs. Bertolt was laying on a cot, green eyes dull and looking utterly exhausted. But when you two locked eyes he sprung out of bed and ran to you and vice versa. His arms wrapped around your body, pulling you into a warm hug. Your hands scrambled to cup his face and you pulled him down into a deep kiss. 

“Are you okay?” he asked, peppering your face with small kisses. 

“I’m okay, I’m okay. What about you?” you responded, running your fingers up and down his back. He was so warm and his presence felt so comforting. For the first time in a long time, you truly felt peace. 

“I’m fine. Scared, but fine physically,” he said. “I . . . I don’t think I’m going to get out of this alive.”

“Don’t say that,” you told him, looking up at him. “I’ll talk to Dalca. Maybe we can get you out of this. Or at least keep you alive.”

“Everyone here except you in my enemy. They hate me and I know they want my head on a spike -”

“I promise I’ll do whatever it takes to keep you safe, all right?” You gave him a squeeze. “I don’t know what I can do yet, but we’re going to get through this, okay?” You both knew that chance was slim. Things had never looked so dire but you couldn’t handle that right now. After everything you had been through, this toppled everything over. He seemed to know it too, hell maybe he needed a break from these thoughts too. “Right now, let’s just enjoy each other’s company.”  _It may be the very last time we do._

  
  


The ride to Stohess was like fingernails scratching a chalk board. Even though it was rather short, it was still too long and it was painful. Nausea seemed to be a permanent feeling now. You rode in a carriage with your friends, eyes trained on the ugly carpet in the carriage. It had been a silent trip. In front of your carriage was the transport vehicle carrying a very doped up Reiner and Bertolt and in front of them was Dalca, Commander Erwin, and a few other high-ranking Survey Corps officers. You hadn’t paid much attention to the landscape of the trip until you arrived in Stohess. The buildings were beautiful and the courthouse was no exception. 

The carriages stopped and you stepped out into the blinding sunlight. Some MPs came to Bertolt and Reiner’s carriage and pulled them out. They had to carry the boys into the courthouse they were so drugged. The commanders followed them and you fell behind them. You’d talked to Dalca last night after visiting Bertolt and she assured you she would do her best to convince the judge to spare their lives. But with grudges held by the residents here, who knew how this trial would go?

Once inside, Dalca pulled you aside and made you follow her down one side while the rest of the Survey Corps went to another. You gave her a quizzical look.

“Commander Erwin and I are on opposite sides of this. We can’t stand with them right now,” she said. The MPs brought in Bertolt and Reiner, chaining them to a stanchion and shooting them up with some kind of drug. 

“Is that really necessary?” you commented.

“They want to be cautious,” Dalca replied. The room fell silent as the MPs retreated and a door swung open. Historia walked into the room and sat at the podium, giving Bertolt and Reiner a cold, almost deadly, look. The pit in your stomach deepened.

“Due to the special circumstances of this trial, I’ll be acting as the judge,” she announced. “That being said, I know we all have other things to be doing so let’s try and make this as short as possible.” Her cold blue eyes flitted to Bertolt and Reiner. “Bertolt Hoover and Reiner Braun, you’re charged with mass homicide of the residents of my kingdom and attempted extermination of my people. We all know you’re guilty: a confession from Reiner and several eyewitnesses won’t save you. However, your fate rests with whoever can convince me their plan for you is best in terms of punishment. Commander Erwin Smith of the Walled Cities Survey Corps, present your plan.”

“Thank you, Queen Historia,” he replied, stepping forward from the crowd. “I think I speak for everyone inside these walls when I say we should eliminate the threat these boys pose to us. They may have helped us defeat the Beast Titan, but nothing can wash the blood off of their hands. They’ve caused too much damage. We’ve eliminated the threat of their people, and the only thing left for us to do is to execute them and completely rid ourselves of any danger.”  _Wait, “eliminated the threat of their people?” Does that mean . . . did the backups we were supposed to receive go to the mountains and slaughter everyone?!_

“Well said, Commander,” Historia replied with a slight nod. “Combat Commander Alanna Dalca of Wame nu Maka, you have the floor for your argument.”

“Thank you, Queen Historia,” she said, coming forward. “There’s no denying these boys have blood on their hands and there’s nothing they can do to make up for what they’ve done. But don’t we have enough bloodshed here? The mountain village is gone, we’ve lost many people during this war, do we really need more death? These boys have come over to our side and with the shifting-suppressing drugs we can give them, they’re incapable of causing more destruction even if they wanted to. They know the ramifications of their actions and they deeply regret what they’ve done.

“Don’t you think letting them live with the guilt would be punishment enough? Bertolt and Reiner are haunted by the lives they’ve taken and letting them live with that is punishment enough. But I understand not wanting them to go back to their old ways of being a threat, and with your blessing I would take them back to my domain and keep them imprisoned while we work on a way to take away their shifting powers. If you decide it, I will keep them locked away and let them live with the fact they have murdered several thousand people.” She looked over to where you sat. “[First], do you want to speak for them?” From the look she gave you, you knew it wasn’t a question. It was a command.

“Yes, ma’am,” you replied. Slowly, you stood up and approached Historia, a wobble in your step and heart painfully beating in your chest. If you said the wrong thing, you would surely condemn them and their blood on your hands wasn’t something you could take.

“I’d just like to begin by saying that although I’m Bertolt’s wife and a good friend of Reiner’s, there’s no way they can be forgiven for what they’ve done and I think we all know that,” you began. A shocked murmur went through the Survey Corps. You could hear Eren plaintively yell, _“WHAT?!”_ in the background. “To be completely honest, I don’t think any kind of punishment would be as harsh as making them live with what they’ve done. You know them, Historia. We all know them and we know they’re kind at heart but they just got caught up in bad shit. We don’t need more deaths. This war’s already claimed enough lives and killing them isn’t going to bring back the dead. I-I think I’ve said enough.” You nodded quickly before heading past the seating to the doors, going outside of the room. 

A sob escaped and you let everything go, crying in hallway. Everything came crashing down and the mix of fear and sadness felt like anvils resting on your body. Everything rested on Historia’s shoulders but who knew what she was going to decide? And who knew if you could really live normally after this? 

“[First]?” Armin’s voice called out softly. You didn’t look up, face still in your hands. 

“I can’t do this,” you sobbed. “I can’t do this, Armin. What am I going to do?” He put his arm around your shoulders, pulling you into a hug.

“Nothing’s set in stone right now. We don’t know what’s going to happen,” he reminded you softly.

“But what if he gets executed! I’m too young to be a widow! I can’t live without him! I just want to live a normal life with him! And I’m never going to get that!” you cried. 

“True, you’ll never be able to live normally, but he might not get executed. We just have to wait and see.” He pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket and handed it to you. You tried to contain your sobs, biting them back as they bubbled up. 

“Thanks, Armin,” you sniffed, dabbing your eyes with his handkerchief before handing it back to him. 

“Any time,” he grinned. Once you calmed down, the two of you walked back into the room, sitting down in the back to not make a huge distraction. Eren seemed to have just finished talking and was heading back to his own seat. He looked at you but said and did nothing as he sat with Mikasa. Historia exhaled slowly before standing up, eyes looking around the room.

“We’ve heard all parties talk and many people have made good arguments, but I’ve made my final decision,” she announced.

  
  


Fifteen Years Later 

  
  


“I don’t think I can sit through another council meeting if it’s that long,” Armin complained, stretching his limbs as the two of you walked out of the Council Building. You grimaced.

“I’ll say. I had no idea Peace Commander Toole would talk so much. They had a lot to say on diplomatic shit. I mean, we have a good enough relationship with Maria, Rose, and Sina We don’t need to keep sending diplomats to those countries,” you said.

“It’s not too bad. It’s an excuse to go see our friends again. Historia really wants to see you and the kids,” Armin pointed out. “Every time I go she asks if you guys came with me.”

“I know, but I don’t want to drag three kids on that journey. Even if we take a air balloon, it’ll still take forever to get there. I might just leave the kids at home and go with you and the other diplomats, but only for a short time. I don’t want to have the baby in Sina,” you commented, giving your baby bump a small pat. Armin chuckled but nodded, rubbing your belly.

“Your kids have never seen where everything happened. It’d be a great educational experience for them,” Armin pointed out.

“They’re twelve and under. I don’t think they care about education,” you laughed. “But fine. I’ll keep it in mind and I’ll talk it over with my husband when I get home. Speaking of, I need to go by the market and pick up some things for dinner before I go get them from the children’s center. I’ll see you at the next council meeting.”

“All right, I’ll see you then!” With a friendly wave, you said goodbye to Armin before rushing over to the market.

Shopping went smoothly and you even had the pleasure of running into a few friends while getting fresh meat for dinner. Your children were excited when they saw the icebox you carried as you picked them up.

“Did you get beef, Mom?” your middle child, Kalanie, asked excited as she gripped onto the hem of your shirt. 

“Yeah, I did. We’ve gone too long without it. I’m sick of fish every night,” you told her. 

“I’m not! I could eat fish for days!” your youngest, Lily, pouted. 

“Not everyone loves the same thing over and over again,” Kalanie told her.

“Hey, hey let’s not get into a fight. Let’s just be happy we’re having meat tonight,” Maleko, your oldest and only son, stood between his sisters to stop the brewing fight. You sighed in relief. _Crisis averted._

Kalanie and Lily remained on their best behavior with their brother in between them all the way to the boat home. As much as you had wanted to, you couldn’t reside on this island. Taking a boat to and from your home on a very small island wasn’t ideal, but it was the only way to get to your job and with your husband barely getting any income, it was the only way to put bread on the table. Or beef, in this case. 

The journey back home took an hour, and surprisingly your kids kept themselves occupied playing card games. _Should I really take them back to the mainland? Maleko would be the only one to enjoy it. Kalanie would be ambivalent but Lily’s only five. She’s too young to make the journey and I don’t want to leave her behind. That wouldn’t be fair. God, I just need to talk this out with him and see what he thinks. I know he wouldn’t mind having quality time with his kids if I have to leave them behind. Hell, should I even be travelling when I’m this pregnant?_  

The dark water was still as you approached your private island. From the long day you had all you wanted to do was eat and lie down and cuddle with your family, but dinner had to be made and the kids needed to be washed and put to bed first. The only complaint about parenting you had was that you had significantly less time for you and your husband.  _God, just some quick snuggles with him sound great right now,_ you thought wistfully. You started to tie the small vessel to your dock and before you could stop them, your kids jumped out and took off running towards your lit-up home.

“Guys! Guys, get back here!” you yelled after them. They collectively ignored you, running and shouting for their father.  _God damn it._ Grabbing the icebox, you ran after them. You could see Kalanie throw open the front door and the three rushed inside. By the time you got inside the spacious living room, you found your three kids piled on top of their father, babbling about their day and hugging him.

“Wow, it sounds like you guys had a big day!” he said, sitting up and rubbing his head. 

“Are you okay, Bertl?” you asked, putting the icebox down and rushing over to help him up. He grinned at you, motioning for you to sit down on the floor. 

“I’m fine, [First],” he replied. You sat beside him and gave him a quick peck. “What about you? How’re you and the baby?”

“We’re doing fine,” you smiled, leaning into him for some cuddles. He nuzzled your neck, eliciting a disgusted groan from your kids. 

“If you guys are going to be gross we’re just going to go,” Kalanie said in a very matter-of-fact way. You choked back a laugh as she led her siblings upstairs. 

“I guess that’s one way to get rid of the kids,” you commented. Bertolt laughed and nodded.

“True. Come on, I’ll help you cook dinner. Unless you’re too tired from work and not getting a lot of sleep,” he added. You shook your head and let him help you get up.

“It’s all right. I’ve got enough energy to cook. What about you, thought? You didn’t sleep at all last night either,” you pointed out, putting your food on the kitchen counter. 

“I was able to nap this afternoon after doing labor,” he said. 

“And no nightmares?”

“No nightmares.” 

“No panic attacks?”

“No panic attacks.” You sighed in relief. 

"So I need to talk to you about something," you told him.

"Yeah?"

"Toole asked me to go on a diplomatic trip to Maria, Rose, and Sina. It would last six months, but I could possible get it down to three but that’s asking a lot of them," you said.

"Do you want to go?" he asked.

"I don't know," you sighed, grabbing a bell pepper and washing it off. "It's been twelve years since I've been there and I really need to see Historia since I left so abruptly last time. But I'm not sure if I want to travel while pregnant again and I don't know if I want to drag the kids along or split them up."

"Maleko would love to go but I don't know if I'm ready for him to know the full extent of what I did," Bertolt said.

"I get that, but we promised we would be open with our children about what we've done in the past," you reminded him sternly. 

"He's at that preteen age where they get mad at a drop of a hat and I don't think I could stand him hating me," he replied. You put down the bell pepper and grabbed your husband’s warm, calloused hands. 

"Babe, he's not going to hate you. Maleko loves you and if anything, he'll just hurt for a bit. But he's not going to hate you," you reassured him.

"You can't guarantee that," he said darkly. 

"I know, but we know Maleko is full of nothing but love. And besides, it's only fitting I take him to the place I realized I was pregnant with him." You let go of his hands. "But this is only if I go on the trip, which I might not."

"I think you should go for as long as you can and leave me with the kids. You need some time to travel and explore since I cut that short-"

"Oh my God, you did  _not_ cut it short!” you interjected. “We've been over this! I came back here because I didn't want to be travelling with Armin while I was pregnant! I wanted to have a sedentary pregnancy and spend it with you and that's why I came back."

"But you would have spent longer in Maria if I hadn't gotten you pregnant," he replied, guilt all over his face. Once again, you put your things down but this time you went over to his side of the counter and put your hands on his shoulders. 

"Bertolt. I have seen the world. I got to travel and have fun before settling down with you. Did it end abruptly? Yes. But I wouldn't have it any other way. I don't need to travel or try to feel like I'm young again. I'm happy like this. I promise," you reassured him softly. His hands rested gently on your waist, thumbs rubbing circles into you.

"Are you sure you're okay with staying home?" he asked.

"I'm sure." He nodded and leaned down and gave you a sweet kiss. 

"I love you."

"I love you too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I have a LOT of notes on this series and the majority of them can be found [here in a doc in my deviantart stash, but I'll give a few here bc I think they're important.](http://sta.sh/014x4otna0u5)
> 
> 1\. Right now I'm working on a side lemon so there will be at least one side story, but it's optional and like most lemons it has no relevance to the plot.  
> 2\. Like most of my series, an OC came out of this (well, if you wanna be technical a LOT did) but the protagonist OC I made out of this is my bae and I love her. So at some point in the future, the far future, I will be rewriting this series and having it be a canon/oc story. However, I'll be posting that on ff.net and not here so yeah.  
> 3\. The firstborn babu, Maleko, is the Hawaiian form of Mark. It's a slight nod/naming after of Marco.


End file.
